Half Empty, Half Full
by Villana Del Amor
Summary: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.
1. And it begins

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Introduction**

I sat low in my car, flicking the ash of my cigarette outside of the window. Who knew that I would find myself in this situation? Parked under a street lamp, in the middle of the night, on an empty street. This is usually the opening scene of every good Law and Order episode. Single, white female. Dark, empty street. Suspicious activity. Who came up with this cockamamy idea? To meet up with him in the middle of the night. Me, that's who. I could be at home right now, sleeping in my comfortable two bedroom house. The one with the Jesus shaped water stain in the bathroom ceiling. The one down the street from the interstate. Oh, the joy of living in such posh conditions.

They say- if you knew better, you would do better, but who the hell is "they"? They don't know how I got here, or the fact that this could probably be the last thing I ever do on this earth. I have no other option. Risk my low paying job for some extra cash, protection, and piece of mind. It would be good to not have to look over my shoulder every 15 minutes, but it sucks that I'm getting into bed with them. I guess I don't know any better, huh? Lord knows that I tried, that I fought, but yet here I am. Fucked 10 ways from Sunday.

I heard the rumble of the bike, before it turned onto the street. I sat up in my car seat, leaning forward onto the steering wheel, my eyes probably trying to crawl out of my head as I watched him park his bike across the street from my car. I ran some fingers through my wavy hair, trying to tease some life back into. 10 hour work days tend to suck, especially when you work in a stuffy office all day that is probably giving you cancer from all the black mold that lined the walls.

I used my shoulder to push open the car door, a loud groan coming from the car. Yeah, she's older than me, but she gets me around town- when I can manage to turn her on. As I walked over to him, I smoothed my discount JCPenney blouse and skirt, trying to look as less pitiful as I could. I couldn't remember the last time I saw him and actually had a conversation that didn't end in an argument, but I'm sure I would leave a lasting memory in my current condition. $5 flip flops. Panty hose with a run in it. Yeah- the memory will be etched into his brain forever accompanied by my self-loathing.

I leaned against my car, staring at the ground as his footsteps got closer. When they stopped, I finally looked up and came face to face with him. I almost dropped right then and there, my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach while managing to skip a beat. He cleared his throat and held a hand out, all pleasantries skipped. I knew he was pissed at me, but damn he's been mad for like the last 2 years. How long can he hold a grudge for? You would think he would've cut me some slack by now.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the bundle of heroin he was here to pick up. My hand wasn't even fully extended when he reached over and snatched it away from me. He nodded and turned on his heel, heading back to his bike. I stood there, in absolute shock, as he climbed onto his bike and drove off. I stared after him, still trying to process what the hell just happened.

If you haven't already pieced everything together, I sold my soul to the devil a few months ago. I knew coming back to Charming would cost me, but didn't know what the price was going to be. My soul? 10 to 15 years in the penitentiary? This all started off with a simple deal, but I knew better, nothing was ever this easy in this town. I should've known that the favor could possibly kill me, or land me in jail. But the scarier and more exciting thought was that this would bring me closer to him. Back to him.

**Chapter One: **And it begins...

I was back in town after being away for 2 years. It was the first time I had set foot in Charming in all that time. I'm surprised the ground didn't open up and eat me whole, but I knew I would soon wish it. My father, in the delirious and drunken state that was his last year alive, managed to stay sober long enough to sign a will that left his entire estate to me. A broken down trailer, a motorcycle, a beat up pick-up truck and a safety deposit box that I could've sworn would contain enough booze and pills to get me through his funeral. Boy was I wrong. What it did contain was his beloved gun, the SOA icon etched into the handle. And so I stood outside of the city bank, feeling the weight of it in my purse, pondering what the hell I was doing back in Charming.

I had left for several reasons, none of them ego flattering, but how could I ever possibly think that coming back home would do me or anybody else any good? I felt a tugging on the bottom of my skirt and looked down. Oh yeah... that's right. Him. Andy. I smiled at my son, before opening the car door and helping him into his car seat.

I kept glancing into the rearview mirror at him, wondering what his life would be like. I still had time to make a run for it, I hadn't signed a lease yet and all of our crap was stuffed into the trailer attached to the car. Would his life be like mines? Would he follow in his family's legacy? I sighed and pulled over into a parking spot down the street from the real estate office, considering the possibilities.

After climbing out of the car, I walked around the other side and picked Andy up, a balancing act occurring as I locked the car. When I turned around, I found Gemma coming down the street, pushing a stroller. Now was the perfect time for the ground to swallow me whole, or for a mutant pigeon to come out of the sky and snatch me up. I slung my purse over my shoulder, and tried to walk away as fast as I could, but it was too late- she had spotted me.

I could hear the clomping of the heels she used to crush the town with, speed up to catch up with me. Every step was like she was chiseling away a piece of my heart. I knew I would not be able to outrun her with Andy on my hip, so I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to face her. If all else failed, I had the gun in my bag. Or the ground could open up. Any minute now God, okay?

"Gemma," I said, plastering a fake smile on my face. Okay, so maybe I hadn't thought this entire "move back to Charming thing" out. I knew I would have to run into them eventually, but damn, I figured not this soon. She gave me a small smile, her eyes glued on Andy. She matched my own fake smile. "Jessie Mae," she responded sourly. "Sorry to hear about your dad," Gemma added. I nodded accordingly- isn't that what people do when others say sorry? Did she kill him? No, so why apologize? It's not like the apology means much to me, especially coming from Gemma. "Well, I'll see you around," I said, turning slightly to run away.

"You back in town for good?" She asked, putting her hand on her damn hip like she always did. That was her bitch stance. Good for scaring off men, women, and children everywhere. I drew in a deep breath and faced her again. "Yeah. Dad left some stuff to tie up, and then my job offered me a promotion near by. So I figured, what the hell?" Yeah, what the hell? Charming was a marvelous place to grow up, if you were able to survive the shootings, death threats and bombings.

Gemma nodded and pursed her lips. I glanced down to the kids in the stroller. "Jax's kids. They are gorgeous," I said. I'm sure if the kids weren't here that this conversation would be going completely different. There was a time when Gemma despised me. Would probably sell her soul if she had one to get rid of me, but my ties to Charming ran deep. "Yeah, just helping out with everything. What about the kid?" She asked, motioning to Andy. "This your boy?" I nodded, taking a few steps back. Couldn't stand too close to the devil.

"Yeah. Listen, I have to go. Got an appointment with a realtor. See you around," I said, feeling my nerves begin to tighten. If there was one person who could make me want to pull my hair out, it was her. I smiled and turned around, heading down the street. "You know, you won't be able to outrun him," she said to my back. I could hear her frozen face cracking, turning her mouth into a scowl.

And I knew that with that encounter my fate was sealed. In mere minutes, all of Charming would know that I was back. SAMCRO would know and eventually he would appear out of thin air. My fate would be sealed. Lots of whiskey will be consumed, and many packs of cigarettes would be bought and concurrently smoked. Global warming can suck it. And it would all go to shit. Like usual.

* * *

><p>I chuckled to myself, pushing the leaves away from my father's head stone. He lay buried next to Johnny in the family plot. We figured with two SAMCRO members in the family, it was just a matter of time for one of them to kick the bucket. I sat down between their headstones, my feet up on the side of Johnny's headstone, my head leaning against my father's. I just never figured it would be Johnny first. I thought that bastard would outlive us all.<p>

I watched as the leaves fell down from nearby trees, the light breeze dragging them across empty plots. I closed my eyes, and let the world pass me by. "You should really show some respect for the dead," a voice said behind me. I raised an eyebrow and turned towards the voice. "Well, I didn't appreciate him dying on me, so then there's that," I responded to Jax.

He walked in front of Johnny's grave, a cigarette dangling from his fingers. "He was a good man, but your father, that was real man. One of the original 9," he said. I nodded, agreeing with him. "My father was a real man. Loved his whiskey and his women. Could never say no to a damsel in distress." Jax laughed. I laughed along with him because it was true. My father met my mother when she several months pregnant, a crow-eater who had no where to go. He ended up falling in love and marrying her, but she ended up skipping town before my first birthday.

"I was over visiting Tara when I saw you," he said, sitting down next to me. I reached into my leather jacket's pocket and pulled out a cigarette to smoke. "I'm sorry about Tara, Jax. She was a good, strong woman. If there's anything I can do to help, don't hesitate," I whispered, passing him the cigarette. I had known Tara back when we were growing up, the usual childhood bullshit. When she came back to Charming, we briefly connected again before my departure. He nodded, throwing me a small smile. "How did you do it? Move on with your life?"

I had to laugh, staring into the sky. "You never move on. You get stuck in this revolving door for months, years. Wake up, breakfast, work, sleep. To break up the monotony, you drink and fuck everything in sight. Anything to make you feel alive again. If you're really stupid and weak, you'll hurt yourself, think about suicide, hole yourself away from all of your family and frieds, but then one day it'll all pass. One day, you'll wake up and someone will pick you up off the floor, remind you what's it like to feel again. One day, but for now, you'll sit and wallow." I didn't realize I had been babbling for so long, until I found Jax staring at me. I wasn't going to sugar coat it for Jax, he needed to know. He was headed for a dark and lonely place, if he wasn't already there.

"Was Chibs the one?" I glanced over at him. "The what? The one that saved me? No... that was Happy. Him and Johnny were really good friends. When Johnny died, I fell hard and fast. All I wanted to do was drink and forget. Happy knew everyone in Charming that had a hand in drugs, so I wasn't surprised when he showed up the night that I overdosed. He helped me detox and get my shit together. Chibs came a year after that, when I could finally hold my head up on my own."

He whistled, surprise on his face. "It's hard, when someone that is a part of you is suddenly gone with no warning," I whispered, feeling even crappier about leaving Chibs behind. After being in a relationship for several years, I left him and Charming in my rearview mirror on night. I glanced over at him, a reassuring smile on my face. "It will get better, you know. Hopefully you won't make such a mess out of things, like I did." Jax nodded, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Have you seen Chibs yet?" He asked. clearing his throat. "No, and I'm deathly afraid to do so. It's been 2 years Jax. I lost my best friend and the man that I was in love with," I responded. "I chose to save one, and lost the other." I turned away from him, drawing in several deep breaths. I was too much of a coward to come home. I knew what I was risking by coming back to Charming if Chibs ever found out about me and Happy. Fights. Exile. Torture. Death.

"And Happy?" He asked. "I can only assume that Happy was in love with me long before Chibs came along. And I couldn't see it, I was too caught up in my grief to see that he was grieving with me and falling in love at the same time. I'm sure he hates me for choosing Chibs over him, and for using him when we were on the rocks. I abandoned him just like I did Chibs," I replied. Happy was my everything, my lifeline when Johnny passed away. Somehow, lines got blurred and we couldn't find our way back to square one.

"You were going to rip the club apart. You're lucky I'm the one that found the two of you and not another brother. How could you do that to Chibs?" He asked. I could feel his accusatory stare boring a hole into me. "You think I don't think about that every day. That I had to leave my friends and family, my home, because I fucked up. My father died and I was too afraid to come back home!" I yelled. I drew in a deep breath, gathering myself. "I love both of them, in different ways. You made me leave town, and I did. It killed me inside, but I can't ignore the feeling anymore. I needed to come back here and try to fix everything."

"What will you do now? It won't be easy to get back in Chib's good graces." I nodded, realizing Jax was right. Chibs was Catholic after all. I would need to make a big comeback. I shrugged, and looked at all the headstones surrounding us. "I'll do my time, wait until he let's me back in. I can't do any else but wait." How could I leave now? Chibs could throw hell and high water at me, but I couldn't do anything about it. At this point, I would give it all up to be with him.

"I got a job over at Stockton P.D., I figured Charming P.D. would object to the conflict of interest. That should keep me busy for a while," I replied. He sat up, his eyebrow raised. "Oh no... don't go getting any ideas," I said, turning towards him. He nodded, smiling at me. "Oh, come on. Just throw us some information here and there," he whispered, patting me on the arm. I stared down at his arm and laughed. "First of all, I have no real power. I'm simply a clerk. All I deal with is evidence, logs, and crap," I responded. Jax smiled even more, standing up from his seat. He wiped the back of his jeans, brushing off the leaves. "Evidence you say?"

I stood up also, facing him, while brushing off the leaves from my black tights. "Yeah, like drugs and stuff that are being used to prosecute people," I replied, walking back towards the main road with him. He continued to nod and stared off in silence. Plotting, I'm assuming. We approached the main cemetery road, our vehicles parked about 50 feet from each other. "I may know a guy who is interested," he said, lighting a cigarette and leaning against my car.

I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out what the hell Jax was talking about. My eyes went wide, realizing that this was some kind of business deal. I laughed, pointing at him. "You want me... to get into bed...," I said, laughing. Oh, if my father could see me now. "Do you know how many times I promised my father that I would stay away from SAMCRO?" I said, motioning around myself. "How many times did you break that promise?" Jax asked, a slick smile on his face. "Three times- Johnny, Chibs, and Happy."

I smirked, crossing my arms over my chest. "What's one more time, darling?" He asked, with that stupid grin on his face. The one that most likely made every girl melt. I sighed, feeling myself give in. "My dad left some bills that need to be paid. Plus, I should really be saving up money, get my dad's truck up and running again," I said, agreeing to what I'm sure I would eventually regret. I was more interested in socking away the money, in case things got messy in Charming. I need to be able to get away- quick and quietly. Again.

"And college tuition, right?" He asked, another smirked on his face. I glanced over at him, my lips pursed. I wasn't finding this amusing anymore. "My mother told me about the kid. Said he's the spitting image of a certain Scot we know," he muttered. "That's up for interpretation," I threw back. Yeah, right! Andy had the same hair, nose, and damn chin. He barely resembled me. Here I was, light eyes, wavy, dark brown hair. There he was- the complete opposite.

Jax nodded, and reached over for his helmet. "I'll see you around," he said, throwing a smile at me before climbing onto his bike. I watched him drive off, standing still as the leaves fell down around me.I walked back to my car, dragging my feet as I went along, thinking about the deal I had just made with the devil. My daddy warned me to stay away from SAMCRO, but I was never any good at listening.


	2. The Tide

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Warning**: This chapter has smut in it.

**Chapter Two**: The Tide

I knew I couldn't avoid him forever too, that I would eventually have to see him. However, I never thought I would be this scared. Jax was kind enough to shed light on where he was laying his head nowadays, a beat up, old house on the edge of town. I was a little creeped out when I pulled up, but was reassured when I saw a motorcycle in the driveway with the SOA logo. I walked up the driveway, the heels of my boot clicking loudly.

The front door ajar, I opened it wearily, using my boot to close it behind me. "Oh boy," I whispered to myself, taking in the scene before me. Two naked females were passed out on the couch. Somewhere, music was playing softly. "Happy?" I asked, making my way through the house. It was clean and organized, nothing out of place. I would expect nothing less than that, Happy was notoriously clean.

I found him passed out on his bed, a sheet wrapped around his body. I walked over, picking up the corner and peeking inside. "Damn, beautiful as ever," I muttered, dropping the sheet back on to him. I walked around the room, my eyes scanning everything. I paused, my eyes zeroing in on the lone picture frame that was on the dresser. The silver picture frame glinted from the sunlight coming in behind me. I picked it up, an old picture of us. I ran my fingertip across Happy's face, one of the few pictures where he was smiling. There I was, in happier times, my arm wrapped around him, a shit eating grin on my face.

"That was the day we went to the pumpkin patch," a raspy voice said behind me. I placed the picture frame back in it's spot, watching him in the mirror. He stood up, facing me naked. I rolled my eyes, spotting the hard on he was wearing. I opened the top drawer, reaching in and grabbing a pair of boxers, throwing it at him. "How's your mother?" I asked, averting my eyes from him. Small talk to avoid the elephant in the room.

"She's doing okay," he replied, lighting a cigarette and climbing back into bed. I turned to face him, my face feeling like it was on fire. Happy was... God, I know I am not perfect. I am not trying to be, but could you please put a shirt on him? I cleared my throat, motioning to the front of the house. "You have company," I said. I watched him rub his chest and take a drag from his cigarette.

He nodded, and shrugged in a lazy way only he could pull off. I ran a hand over my face, feeling like it was a 100 degrees in the bedroom. "You look a bit stuffy, why don't you take your jacket off?" Happy said, a small smile on his face. Oh, my jacket you say? Why not my underwear instead? I drew in a deep breath, trying to get a hold of myself. This man... this man could do all sorts of things to me. This man... I shook my head to clear it.

I knew what was happening here. I could see the seductive look on his eyes. "Just like old times, huh?" I said, picturing how differently this conversation would be going if I didn't get my shit together. Less words, more moans. He climbed up off the bed and approached me. Happy trailed a fingertip from my neck, over my breasts, stomach, and ultimately stopped at the fly of my jeans. "I can't," I half moaned, half said, my resolve wavering right in front of me. In the back of my mind, I was picturing Chibs, but that had never stopped me before.

"Come on... it'll be our little secret," he whispered, placing a soft kiss on my neck, his usual stubble making me shiver. I drew in a deep breath and almost melted. With Happy, there was always that fire, that raw, crazy passion. I could never say no to him. I could never forget how he could make me feel. And so, I pulled away from him and headed to the living room.

Technically, me and Chibs were not together, but I still felt the guilt. Maybe keeping me and Happy a secret is the thrill that keeps driving me back to him, I thought as I grabbed the dresses off of the floor and threw it at the naked girls. "Ladies, time to pack it up and head on home," I shouted, grabbing their purses too.

As they made their way out of the house, and the door closed behind the last one, I ripped my jacket off, letting it fall to the floor. I turned around and found him standing behind me, a big smile on his face. "Welcome home," he said, before stepping towards me. Happy grabbed my face with his rough, calloused hand and began to kiss me. I could've died right then and there, the passionate kiss making me want to pass out.

I had known him for years, he was Johnny's best friend. He would come to our house every day, I knew him better than most. He rarely kissed, rarely cared, and rarely talked. So I was surprised when he showed up at my house that night, the epitome of a bad boy professing his love for me. We had both loved, loss, and were grieving the same man, but everything changed after that. I knew I was his soft spot, he was different with me. His dark side and his good side were one in the same. I knew he was in love with me the moment that he shed his first tear in front of me, the night he made love to me.

His fingers crawled underneath my shirt, pulling it over my head. We parted momentarily to let the shirt pass, but his fingers pulled me back to him, grasping roughly at my chin. How could I be in love with two men at once? How could I be so different with each? Happy brought out this primal instinct in me to just be free. Chibs made me thoughtful and passionate. Happy fucked me, Chibs made love to me.

I pulled away from him, breathless and shirtless, my mind reeling. "Are you back with him?" He asked, wiping his mouth. I shook my head, reaching for my shirt. He grabbed the shirt from me, holding it in his grasp. "So why are you here?" I thought about the question, one I had spent several nights pondering. "Here with you because you're familiar. Here in Charming because he's Andy's dad," I admitted to myself and him. I wasn't going to lie to him, Happy had tough skin. I needed him to know this was real. We weren't playing games anymore. The stakes were too high.

He dropped the shirt, as well as his shoulders. Happy shook his head. "Jax found out about us. He saw us that night behind the bar. I couldn't stick around after that," I said. I walked over to the couch, plopping down on to it. "And? You left because Jax knew? I would've made it work!" I scoffed, watching him slide into the nearest chair. "Work? There was no way to finagle the fact that you were screwing another member's old lady, Happy. I left because I needed to protect you!"

There the truth was out. I left because I couldn't see him get hurt because of me. He was my best friend. He has saved me from myself. I could not do anything to save him. While I was gone I missed him dearly, but I missed Chibs more. Andy was a constant reminder of everything I had lost. Happy slammed his hand on the table and glared at me. "I missed you so much, Happy. I had lost everything at once. My friends, my family, you. I need my best friend back."

He laughed lightly, shaking his head. "I know you visited my mother. She kept telling me about some pretty girl that always brought her cookies. Chocolate chip, your specialty. That's how I knew you were okay," he whispered. I stood up from the couch, walking over to him and climbing on top of him, my arms wrapped around his neck. "I lost Johnny, and then you. I was so angry. You left me," he said, his eyes finding mine. I nodded, fully understanding his emotions. "I was so scared, I couldn't lose you after losing Johnny. So I left because if Chibs found out about you, I knew he would kill you. And then I found out I was pregnant..."

He reached up and rubbed the side of my cheek slowly. I never imagined that things would end up like this, me back at square one again. This is how all of my problems started, me wrapped up in his arms. Me not being able to let go of him. Me not being able to pull away. And here I was, him between my legs. One hand on my hip and the other on my cheek, as I began to slowly grind against him.

I moaned, as his hand gripped onto my hip tighter and the other wrapped around my neck, bringing me closer and harder to him. I could feel him between my legs, pulsating, as he reached over and began to kiss me again. I moaned into his mouth, the intensity driving me insane. I dug my finger nails into his shoulder, as I struggled to maintain control of myself. He picked me up, walking towards the bedroom.

He put me down at the foot of the bed, another cigarette magically appearing between his fingers. I watched him climb into bed, and turn towards me, his back against the headboard. I knew what he was waiting for, as I slowly unbuttoned my jeans and let them slide down my legs. He liked to watch me, as I danced out of my clothes and teased him. I watched him play with himself, as I worked my way over to him, my body feeling like it was on fire.

As I climbed onto the bed, he pinned me down, ravaging my body with his mouth. There I was, naked and pinned down, my body screaming his name. He flipped me over, me assuming the usual position, on all fours. I arched my back, as he entered me, taking him all in. His hands grasped onto my hips, digging into me. I moaned loudly, slamming myself into him. He spanked me and rode me until I couldn't hold myself up, collapsing on the bed.

We laid there, him on top of me, until we fell asleep and woke up a few hours later. The sun was already going down, when I peeled my face off of the bed and started the search for my clothes. "Happy," I said, poking him in the side. He woke up, a smile on his face, and threw his arm around me, drawing me closer to him. "Ready for round 2?" He murmured, kissing me gently.

My ears perked up, as I heard the far, away rumbled. I pulled away and grabbed my clothes. "Oh no," I muttered, sliding into them as fast as possible. I ran to the front of the house, grabbing my shirt and jacket off of the floor. I slid into them, running into the bedroom for my shoes. Happy was dressed as the front door opened. We stared at each other as the footsteps drew closer.

I could've shot myself as Jax walked into the room, one of the last people I ever wanted to see me standing within 50 feet of Happy. His eyes went wide when he saw the both of us there, standing on opposite sides of the bed, like it was a dead body neither one of us wanted to claim. "Really?" He said, a shocked smile on his face. He walked over to me, pushing back my jacket collar and glancing at my neck. I'm pretty sure my neck was bruised from his hold me on. You could have probably pulled fingerprints off my neck.

Happy stared at him, frozen, watching his every move. "We have club business to attend to," he said, pulling away from me and shaking my head. He stood in front of me, and stared into my eyes. "You should wait until we leave, to make your great escape," he said, before walking away. Happy followed at his heels, leaving me alone in the room. I waited for the rumble to become faint before letting go of the breath I was holding in.

* * *

><p>I hadn't been in the clubhouse since that fateful evening, when Jax threw me up against the wall and shoved a gun into my mouth. I hated him that night, but with time I realized he probably hated me too. I was threatening to rip apart his club, all because I couldn't keep my legs closed. I was threatening to take away his brothers. I stood in front of the spot, breathing in what was supposed to be the faint smell of booze and smoke, emanating from the worn in couches and stains. But instead everything smelled fresh and clean, the clubhouse rebuild in full swing.<p>

"And the prodigal daughter returns," a voice said behind me. I tensed up, turning to face Bobby. I smiled, stretching out my arms to hug him. He was a childhood staple, bringing back memories from years ago. "Bobby, how are you?" I said, wrapping my arms around him. We embraced before he let go and gave me that concerned look of his, the same one my father most likely taught him. "Worried about you, kid. What are you doing with your life?" He asked.

I shrugged. I wasn't really sure myself. I came back to Charming with this crazy idea, that might just get me killed. "I'm not even sure, Bobby. Mostly just taking it day by day," I responded. He nodded along, and then motioned around him. "Waddya think?" I looked around, and smiled. "It won't be the same. If these walls could talk..." I said. He walked over and patted me on the arm. "What brings you by?" He asked, his brows knitted together.

"Jax. I wanted to talk to him for a bit," I answered. "Sure, he's in the back. I'll walk you over," he said, motioning towards the back of the newly built clubhouse. I followed him down the hall, a bit afraid of what would wait for me at the end. But there was no one with him, just Jax in a make shift office. I knocked lightly on the door, waiting for the head nod to tell me it was okay to come in.

As I entered the office, I dropped the cocaine brick I had smuggled out of work on to his desk, taking a seat on the other side of it. I kicked my feet up on the desk, crossing them at the ankles and waited for the lecture that was sure to ensue. "You have some balls, lady," he said, picking up the bundle and dropping it into the drawer. "Well, Jax, when two consenting adults like each other..." I began to say when he slammed the drawer shut. My eyes drew back to him.

"The last thing I expected was to find was you at his house. In that condition," he said. I rolled my eyes, watching him lean back into his chair. Why was it such a shocker? You've already found us worse than that- ass naked. "How do you expect this to end? Which one gets to be the lucky bastard?" I didn't know. Happy was a chance encounter. I came back for Chibs, for Andy. "Do you think I don't know? I clearly can't control myself," I said, exasperated at the idea of it all.

"I just don't want the blowback of you coming back to Charming to land on the club. We're just starting to get back up on our feet. I can't have two brothers fighting, especially if you want this to work between us." I didn't know where I stood with Jax right now. Was he protecting me? Protecting our new relationship? Or was he protecting himself? Who could I trust right now? I nodded along with him, playing the part of a scolded child. "I will try to be more discreet with my extracurricular activities," I said, giving him whatever he wanted to hear right now.

I knew eventually I would have to make a decision, but I wasn't ready to make one yet. "What about the goods? When will I see a return on my investment?" I asked, eager to change the topic. "I brought it to the table last night. The club voted on it. They are willing to support us on our little endeavor. It will only be for a little while, while funds are tied up in the rebuild. This will give us a little more breathing room," he responded. Jax looked down at the table and tapped his fingers on it. He paused for a moment before looking up at me. "Chibs doesn't want you to be a part of this. There still might be hope for you yet."

I rolled my eyes. Of course! He would talk to Jax about it. "I know I'm taking a risk, but I need to do what's right for my family. Being a single parent ain't cheap or easy, Jax." I figured he would understand the struggle, or he soon would. "You're single by choice, sweetheart. By choice," he whispered, getting up and walking out of the room. I stared after him, pondering how much of a fucked up person I could be.


	3. Breathing Is Essential

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Three**: Breathing is Essential

I had pictured the moment that I would see him over a hundred times. Over and over again- I was dressed up, and had my makeup done. Every night for the first week, I would dream about it. How my hair would flap in the wind, my face would glow, and how I would have lost 5 pounds by then. It had been two weeks! I had spent the last two weeks trying to get my life in order. Andy was enrolled in day care. I was finally set up with an office at my job. I had managed to wipe down every inch of my house twice. There was nothing left to do but wait.

That's how I knew he was avoiding me, Charming wasn't that small. The entire town was talking about how I had come back with a kid in tow. How I had run away, and no one knew why. I was literally on the edge of my seat, about to fall over, waiting to run into him. Time was not on my side, I was getting older by the day.

But I never expected to run into him outside of the laundromat. My hair was in the nastiest, unwashed bun possible. Ripped tanktop, and bleach stained sweat pants. I wanted him to see pretty me, to see the abs I had spent the last year working on. The hair I was growing out. Just anything other than "laundry day" me.

I groaned, as I found him leaning against his bike as I exited the laundry mat with a laundry basket in tow, his ankles crossed. Nerves set in, as I began to fumble for words. I walked towards him, dropping the basket at my feet. "Hey," I said quietly. That was the best I could do? Who wouldn't want to be with someone so smooth?

"What are you doing here?" He asked, roughly, taking his leather gloves off. That accent. It was like I got punched in the gut. I struggled to breathe and think. I was not expecting those words to be the first thing he said to me. In my version of this very specific event, he would sweep me off of my feet and kiss me, not be giving me the death stare.

I cleared my throat, all of those dreams useless as I struggle to articulate anything at this point. "Right now, laundry. In Charming, getting settled back in," I said, mentally kicking myself. Out of all the things to say, that was the best I could do? There was a time I tell you that I was sharp witted, sexy and fierce, but that would only get me killed now. "What, Nevada didn't pan out? Forced to come back home, were we?" He sneered at me. I was out of practice deciphering the accent, so I struggled to piece it all together. Did he just admit he knew where I was all along?

It had been a while since I had seen this side of him. Seemed like everyone in Charming had this side to them. Time and research has proven that the longer you stay in this town, the darker your path becomes. "If I remember correctly, you told me to leave. That you were no good for me," I replied. I knew that was a low blow, but I wanted to make him feel as uncomfortable as I did in this moment.

"And the kid?" He asked. It seemed like he paused for a second, not sure what to expect from me, or where to go next with his line of questioning. I scoffed and I ignored him, refusing to talk about Andy with him. "I left Charming for several different reasons. You were among them, yes," I spat out. I shifted nervously on my feet, the silence between us heavier than a dead body. I stared straight at him, refusing to back down. The longer he went without killing me, the more courageous I felt.

"I hope time has treated you well," I said. After a few moments of staring at everything except each other, he drew in a deep breath and let his eyes find mine. "Why are you back here? After 2 years?" He asked. I shrugged, because I didn't have an answer. "Charming has been nothing but good to me, why not?" I said, sarcastically, feeling my sanity slipping away as I thought about all the damage that had been done in this town. I knew it was crazy to come back here, but I felt the pull. The urge to be back here. I knew it was self destructive of me to do so, but I needed to come back here. He, however, was not amused with my reply nor did it appear that he was enjoying my presence.

"You should've stayed gone," he said, before turning around and putting his helmet on his head. He climbed onto his back and looked over at me. It was like I could feel his eyes burning into me. "Charming isn't an easy place to forget, okay? I left here and didn't look back, but I did leave something behind. Myself. I just feel like I'm not the same girl anymore," I said, softly.

He smirked, looking over at me and slid back into his gloves. "Maybe you should've stayed gone. That girl you're trying to get back, wasn't easy to forget, her scars were hard to remove," he said, before turning his bike on. I stepped towards him, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "Say the words, Filip, and I'm gone," I said.

"Again. You'll be gone again," he said, before driving off. I stood there dumbfounded, staring after him. I'm pretty sure the people walking past me tripped over my open mouth on the floor. After a few moments of complete and utter despair, I grabbed my laundry basket off of the ground and climbed back into my car, rushing to get home and wallow in my misery.

* * *

><p>I was too caught up in my current game of Sudoku, that I didn't notice her enter the restaurant. Wendy slid into the seat across from me, pulling her sunglasses off of her face. There she was... the person closest to being called my best friend once upon a time. I snapped out of my trance and put my phone away, reaching over and hugging her. She smiled back at me, taking a sip of her water.<p>

Oh, wow. Wendy and I had known each other for what felt like forever. I knew her before she became a junkie, and when she became one, but this was a whole new Wendy. I sighed softly, taking a look at what you used to be my dear friend. We were thick as thieves once, but things changed soon after we both started using drugs. I managed to bounce back, but she didn't, spiraling out of control. The few times I spoke to her during those years, she resented me for giving up the drugs. She resented me for not saving her too.

"How are you?" I asked, flipping through the menu. She shrugged, leaning forward and pushing back a strand of hair behind her ear. "I need to know, are we okay?" She asked, concern on her face. I drew my eyebrows together, shaking my head softly. "I came here to apologize to you, for how things ended up happening between me and you," I said. Wendy smiled and laughed. "Can we just put everything behind us? I had a big role in everything too. I'm just happy you are back in town again," she said, reaching over and covering my hand with hers.

I glanced down at her hand, nodding and smiling at her. If only everything could be this easy. "I'm good, a little weirded out by everything has happened lately," she said, picking up her menu. I nodded along. "How is it? To be back under Gemma's watch?" Wendy shrugged, glancing through her menu. "It's difficult, you know. I just feel like she's watching me all day long, waiting for me to mess up. It's great though, spending time with Abel, being able to hold him." I knew the feeling very well. I was too under the town's watchful eyes. "At least you have second chance, Wendy. You're clean now, and those kids need you."

Wendy shook her head, motioning to the waiter. We ordered some salads, and waited patiently for them. "I didn't it want it this way. Before everything happened, Tara and I were working on it. She was finally coming around to the idea of me being a part of his life. Now, I'm afraid I'll never measure up to her. That the first time I mess up, they will judge me based on her," she said. A few moments later, the waiter appeared with our food.

We began to eat, catching up on town gossip. "How are things going for you? I'm sure you're still getting the cold shoulder from everyone," she said. I nodded along, finishing my bite. "Actually, everyone is pretty good with the idea of me being back. I think it's mostly Chibs that is holding out on me," I responded. I didn't feel bad about any of it, I knew I deserved it. "Yeah, the men in this town don't forget too easily. What about the kid?" She asked.

I paused, sighing softly. "I'm sure everyone is assuming things about me," I said. Wendy laughed. "I've heard some crazy shit, sister. You ran away with another man. You were some kind of prostitute back in Nevada. You got knocked up and came back home. All sorts of crazy stories. What happened?" There was the loaded question. The other truth I wouldn't reveal. How could I? I slept with Happy. Jax found us. I ran away like a scared little child so no one would get hurt. I abandoned everything and everyone.

"I... couldn't breath anymore. Not in this town." This part was true. Jax's hands around my throat was really cutting off all means of inhaling. "I just left one night. I didn't know I was pregnant when I did, and then by the time I realized it, it was too late." Wendy nodded along. "So it's true, the kid's his?" She asked. I nodded, running a hand over my face. "I'm sure Gemma is running wild with that one."

She shrugged. "She mentioned it in passing, but I'm not sure she's sharing it freely with everyone. I think everything that has happened with Tara is making her realize how easily people get taken away in this town," she said. I thought about it, this town has lost a lot of good people, usually in short amounts of time. "Do you think we'll ever be the same? The town? Us?" I asked, staring out of the nearby window.

Wendy nodded slowly, putting her fork down. "We won't ever be the same. Too much has happened already. I think we'll be better and smarter, next time around." I thought about her response and realized she was right. If I was going to make things work with Chibs I would need to be better stronger. This time around, I needed to be smarter.

Oh, and keep my legs closed.


	4. The Darkness

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Four**: The Darkness

I waved goodbye to Wendy and the girls I had reconnected with over the last couple of days. Some old friends from high school, people who I hadn't slept with or pissed off. It felt like I reserved that special friendship for people who I wanted to hate me. We had been out at the bar, grabbing a couple of drinks on a quiet night. Wendy had dragged me out of the house, me promising not to let her drink. She needed a night away from Gemma, and I needed a night where I wasn't at home thinking about Chibs.

The town streets were empty as I began my 20 minute walk home. Ambitious of me, I know, to take on such a feat in my current inebriated state. But after all, I am my father's daughter. I figured what the hell, my step-mother was watching Andy, I didn't work tomorrow and I had one hell of week. I needed to blow off steam before I exploded. A night out would do me good.

As I neared the wooded area by my house, I heard a rustling in the bushes and froze. "Who's there?" I asked, my voice stern as my hand slightly shook. Silence filled the air, but it couldn't mask the sound of branches breaking. Panic began to rise inside of me and I drew in a deep breath. This is it- they are finally going to kill me. Which one would it be- Chibs or Happy? I broke out into a run, heading to the nearest house.

A few feet away from the nearest street lamp, a dark figure jumped out of the woods and tackled me to the ground. I began swinging my arms, in hopes of hurting my attacker. A sharp pain blinded me momentarily as I assume that my attacker punched me on the side of my head. Everything pretty much moved as a blur, as he dragged me closer to the woods. I tried to scream, but a punch in the mouth cut it short. I could feel blood pooling into my mouth, as my cut lip pumped it out.

I don't remember much of what happened. The pain radiating through my body dulled all of my senses. My tongue felt heavy in my mouth, and all I could feel and hear was my heart beating loudly, and the branches breaking underneath me. By then I was numb, just laying there wishing it would all end. That he would finish.

He collapsed on top of me and I began to cry softly. I managed to open my swollen eye and noticed a glint of steel on his back. I could barely make out what appeared to be a handle coming from his waist band. A knife? A gun? I didn't know, but if he was going to kill me, he would have to fight me first. I moved swiftly, grabbing whatever it was. Turned out it was a knife, as I sliced my hand open and groaned.

I didn't halter, jamming it into his back. He groaned, his hand wrapping around my throat, while he tried to reach for my hand with his other. I brought the knife down again, this time into his side. He rolled off of me and I stabbed him again. I struggled to get up, so I crawled over to his body, jamming him with the knife over and over again. I wasn't sure when he had finally given up the fight, but when I realized he did, he was laying in a pool of his own blood.

I dropped the knife, using a nearby tree to hold myself up. I slid down the trunk, tears streaming down my face. I didn't know what to do now, panic rising inside of me. Here I was covered in my own blood. The former coveted bad ass, attacked. I had killed a man. Yes, the man was my attacker, but I couldn't wrap my head around it. This morning I had woken up to a beautiful sunny day, and here I was, covered in blood.

I could feel a panic attack coming on, as I struggled to pull my pants up and to reach my cellphone in the pocket. The screen cracked, my hands shaking, I fought the urge to throw up as I searched for help in my contacts list. The list was short. Few people would have experience in this area, or be actual experts at it. Even fewer people would actually pick up or give a damn. I knew I couldn't call the police, I didn't need anyone investigating me.

I sat there waiting, for what felt like forever after making the call. I'm sure at some point I either fell asleep or passed out, because the next thing I know, I'm being placed on the back of someone's motorcycle. I tried to stay coherent as much as possible, but all I could focus on was hanging on for dear life.

My eyes were swollen shut, so I wasn't really aware of much. When the bike stopped and the man in front of me climbed off, I felt hands removing the helmet from my head. I reached out and steadied myself on what felt like a shoulder, and climbed off. I stood still, not knowing where the hell I was or what would happen next. I couldn't even open my mouth to speak, my face swollen and crusted with blood.

"Love, let's get you inside," the voice said. Chibs, the accent screamed. I pulled my hand away from him, shaking my head slowly. Of course, they would send him. In case I lost my shit, someone to control me. I followed the blur in front of me, and realized we were at my house. I was so glad Andy wasn't home. I didn't need him to see me like this.

I stood in the middle of the living room, trying to piece together a plan. Some type of action or thought that would help me process this. I knew I should be upset, crying or angry, but I was empty. No emotion, nothing. I could sense him standing behind me, watching me. I drew in a painful breath and walked to the bathroom, sitting on the covered toilet.

I sat there, for what felt like forever, before removing the one shoe I had on. I glanced down at myself. Shirt ripped open, bruised and bloody. He appeared before me and smiled softly at me. I don't know if he was able to notice the scowl on my face, or even if I could scowl with my face so swollen. I watched in silence as he removed his cut and his shirt, hanging it behind the bathroom door.

Chibs turned the shower on, steam quickly filling the bathroom. He approached me, his hands outstretched. I assumed he wanted me to stand, so I did. I flinched as he pulled my shirt off, his fingers briefly touching my skin. I begrudgingly climbed into the shower, the hot water stinging me.

I merely just stood there, I guess I was in absolute shock, letting the water pelt my body. "I'm sorry this happened," he whispered, reaching up and lightly washing my face. I wanted to come up with something witty, some quirky remark to show that I wasn't jaded by it all. But all I could fathom was silence. All I could do was stare at the water flowing down the drain, the red tinged water, until I felt the tears coming on.

I collapsed on the bath tub floor, gasping for air as I cried. I felt his arms slide around me, holding me up as I shook. I tried to push him away, clearly in the swing of hysterics. "Everything is going to be okay," Chibs whispered into my ear, holding me tight. I shook my head, digging my face into his neck, as he reached over and turned the water off. He smelled so familiar, comforting. No, everything was not going to be okay. I was not going to be okay. As he wrapped a towel around me, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked dead to say the least. I should've been dead by now.

We stood in front of the bath tub, Chibs patting my wet body down gently. "Where's the boy?" He whispered, helping me change into sweatpants and a large shirt that was on the bathroom floor, my entire body screaming at me. I shook my head, that was all I could muster right now. If one word left my lips, it would only lead to more tears. It took me about 10 minutes to walk from the bathroom to the kitchen, him trailing behind me for every step. I shuffled over to the cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and one of Andy's sippy cups. The one with the bendable straw.

Another 10 minutes gone as I shuffled back to the table, where Chibs had laid out his thread and needle. I cringe at the thought of him sewing me up. There at the kitchen table where I set out frozen waffles every morning. I sit back down into the chair, wincing at how sore I was. He reached over and poured some whiskey into the sippy cup, sliding it over to me. I watched as he moved in silence, walking over to the fridge and grabbing an ice pack.

"Here," he said, handing it to me. As I placed it on my eyebrow, I realized there was another cut. I took in a gulp of whiskey, the slow burn warming my insides. I hadn't realized how dry my throat was until it was wet. I coughed a little, feeling like body was going to split into two. I never took my eyes off of him, as he lit a cigarette and slipped it between my lips. "You ready?" He asked softly, picking up the thread. I nodded slowly taking another sip. I lifted my head up, giving him access to my eyebrow. I held my breath as I felt the needle pierce my already tender skin. I kept my other eyes on him, looking at his stern face, as he concentrated on the task at hand. He bit his bottom lip, studying me.

I placed the ice pack on my mouth, knowing that was next. I was pretty sure that I had a concussion, time seemed like it was going by real fast and yet at the same time really slow. Every breath I drew, every movement I made, I felt like it was in slow motion. When he finished with my lip, all I could do was just sit there and stare at the wall. I felt like I was in a daze. I let him lead me into the bedroom, where he helped me get into bed. He handed me two white pills, which I took without even questioning him. It didn't matter what they were. Anything to dull the pain and forget the entire night.

Last thing I remember was him sitting at the end of the bed, elbows on his knees. I tried to smile, part of me was high as a kite by now, as I remembered all the times he had done that before. All the times he would sit up awake after coming home from the club house. Smelling of cigarettes and beer, at the edge of the bed. I tried to smile, tried to say something, but that was all lost in the darkness...


	5. Once Upon A Time

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Author's Note**: Thanks to Aprhodite and JCLProductions88 for their support!

**Chapter Five**: Once Upon A Time….

I woke up the next day, only because the sun was burning a hole in my face. I felt like sleeping forever and ever. The daze was gone and I could think clearly again, but my body was tired and sore. I pulled the covers back, the breath knocked out of me as I climbed out of bed. I shuffled to the dresser and looked in the mirror. Some of the swelling had gone down, but my face had turned an ugly shade of purple.

I sighed, as the bedroom door opened. I rolled my eyes as Gemma walked in. "Hey, you're up," she said, standing in the doorway. No, I'm being tortured, I thought to myself. I must be if you're here. I silently prayed that she wasn't the only person in this house, or I just might kill myself. "Yeah," I said, my voice hoarse. "There's some breakfast in the kitchen," she said. I nodded, leaning on the dresser. She stepped towards me, a small smile on her face. "I got you this. You shouldn't have to worry about anything else right now," she whispered, reaching into her pocket and placing something on the dresser top.

I waited for her to leave the room, before lowering my eyes to the dresser top. I stifled a cry as I realized it was the morning after pill. I sat down on the wooden bench in front of the bed, staring at the package in my hands. This meant that everything that happened last night was true. It really did happen. I shivered, thinking about it all. HIs hands on my body. The blood on my hands. I heard a knock on the door and looked up to find Happy standing there, a cup of water in his hand.

"I got you some water," he said, handing me the cup. No shit, Sherlock. I opened the package and pulled the pill out, staring at it in my hand. He sat down next to me, and reached into his pocket. Happy handed me two small pills, a sad look in his eye. "Something for anxiety and for the pain. This one time," he said, drawing out the last part. Oh, Happy. Always so loyal. I nodded, taking the pills from him. I stared at them also, wondering if it would be the last time. If this was the precise moment I would fall off of the wagon. I didn't care, as I threw my head back and dropped those pills into my mouth.

When I entered the kitchen moments later, I found Chibs and Jax sitting at the table, drinking coffee. I walked over to the coffee pot and poured myself a cup, wondering if I would be able to get it down. I licked my lips gently, before taking a sip. The scalding liquid burnt my lips causing me to spit it out. Gemma appeared by my side, a napkin it tow. I know I should be nicer to her, to all of them, they were helping me, but I couldn't help but be pissed at the world right now. I took the napkin from her hand and wiped my lips, putting the cup down.

"Where's Andy?" She asked. I flipped my head over to the clock on the wall, struggling to read the numbers. "He's at my step-mother's," I responded, heading back towards the bedroom. "I gotta get dressed to pick him up." I heard hushed tones behind me as they talked amongst themselves. "You can't go pick him up like this, not by yourself," she said.

I tried to scoff, but only accomplished severe pain. "I'll be fine. She isn't a SAMCRO sympathizer, as I'm sure you know," I threw over my shoulder. I walked into the bedroom and changed as slowly as possible. I felt like I was 100 times hungover, as I pulled my hair into a sloppy bun, and placed a pair of dark, over-sized sunglasses on my face. I managed to slide myself into a pair of baggy jeans and a tank top. I grabbed a hoodie to try to mask some of the bruises I was sporting.

"Why doesn't Chibs take a drive with you? Doesn't she live in Stockton?" Gemma said. As I walked into the kitchen, I could see that everything had already been decided for me. Chibs stood in the middle of the room, his cut laid on the chair behind him. If my face wasn't so swollen, I'm sure they would've recognized the disgust on it. I did not need to be locked in a car with Chibs. I did not need to show up on my step-mother's door with him in tow. I did not need to listen to her commenting on how he was back in life. Except he wasn't. He was harping on the edge of it. Happy stood in the back corner of the room, his lips set in a straight line as he watched me.

The anxiety pills were clearly kicking in, as I felt my body begin to relax and my thoughts drift into nothingness. Jax was an even worse option to show up at her house with. She detested him, mostly because of Gemma. "We'll talk when you get back," Jax said, stubbing out his cigarette. He reached over and hooked his fingers through mine, giving them a small squeeze. It was like I had been in Charming all along. The club telling me what to do. All I needed was for my father to pop up yelling about something. I snatched my purse up off of the kitchen counter and grabbed the car keys from it. I tossed Chibs the keys and curtsied sarcastically, before stumbling out of the house.

"I'm sure you remember the way," I said, as Chibs followed me outside. "Sure do. It's burned into the back of my mind," he said, climbing into the car. I stood outside of it for a few moments, drawing in deep breaths. This was the closest I had been to him in years. Last night, didn't count. I could barely remember anything. I kept getting flashbacks of it, as he drove through town. All I could remember was him trying to calm me down, him sewing me up. The silence between us was driving me crazy. Was I delusional to think that I could come back to Charming and reconnect with him? That we could be civil enough to discuss anything? I slipped inside of the car, reclining the seat back so that I would be comfortable.

At one point, I questioned my lucidity, as my tongue felt heavy in my mouth. Damn Happy. Moments later, we were on the highway, driving to what was sure to be an interesting morning. I watched him from the corner of my eye. Yeah, it gave me a massive headache to move my eyes that far, but I needed to drink him in. Arm hanging out of the window. Sleeves rolled up. Hair flying in the wind. This was it, everything I left behind. So simple, and yet so complicated he was.

How could I make amends? How could I tell him the truth? Break his heart even more? I sighed, thinking about all the things I shouldn't be thinking about right now. I didn't need to complicate my life anymore. I didn't need anything else to keep me up at night. But I wanted it. I wanted him. I was ready for the encore of my life, if only I could open my mouth and formulate those words.

There was no one after him, no one that could own my heart like he did. When I left town that night, I left my heart behind. Didn't need it if he wasn't in my life anymore. Every man since, was simply a place holder, a warm body that would entertain me for a simple moment. Once it passed, I would crawl back home and spend the entire night awake, thinking about what he was doing. Who he was doing. Was he still alive. Did he still love me.

I didn't realize I had fallen into a trance until I looked up and found him staring at me. "We're here," he said, turning the car off. I sat up and found myself in my step-mother's driveway. "You should stay here, or all hell will break loose in that house," I said, opening the car door. As I climbed out, I heard Andy's laughter. When I turned around, I found her on the porch, Andy in tow. While Andy was focused on me, her eyes were set dead straight on Chibs, who had climbed out of the car against my advice.

I walked over slowly to the porch, zipping up my hoodie. "Oh my God. What happened to you?" She exclaimed. She walked over to me, clearly in shock. "Car accident, but I'm fine. Thank you for watching him Marie," I said, reaching for Andy. She slowly leaned over to hand him to me, and my body burned at the pain. I struggled to carry him, and when I thought I was going to drop him, Chibs reached out and grabbed him. I jumped for joy on the inside, seeing the two of them together. I struggled to keep the smile off of my face, as Chibs turned to Marie.

I couldn't blame her hate for the club. The club had managed to rip my father away form her time, and time again. The drunken fights, the late night phone calls from the police station. All of the times Johnny and I got into it. She wasn't a supporter at all, so I could only imagine what assumptions she was making about my current condition.

"Hello, Marie. Long time," Chibs said, smiling at her. I drew in a deep breath and leaned against the railing, mentally preparing myself for the shit show that was about to happen. "Filip," she returned, shortly. She glared at him and then back at me. "I told you I would watch him so that you could relax, not go out galavanting. After everything that happened with your father, everything with you, Johnny, how could you get caught up again in that damn club again?" She said.

Ooookay. Now this is going exactly how I expected it. I stiffened as she yelled, hoping she watched her tongue. I would hate to have to kill someone else within 24 hours of the first body. "Marie, thanks for the help. Greatly appreciate it. I'll be heading back to Charming now," I replied, wanting to make a quick getaway. I turned to Chibs and motioned to the car. He turned also and headed back to it. I began to descend the steps when she opened her mouth to put the icing on the cake. "You know, maybe it's a good thing you never had that kid. Last thing we need is you dragging two children into this lifestyle."

I froze mid-step, not really sure if I should go for the jugular. I turned around, my voice quivering out of anger. I could barely lift my arm up, but I managed to somewhat point at her. "I know you think I'm a fuck-up, but I've made it this far without a mother and with a dead beat father. You can blame the club as much as you want for everything that you've had to go through, but you can not comment on how I live my life. You cannot pass judgement on me. What I do with my life is my business." I kept as much restraint as I could, but by the time I was done talking, I was in her face.

I could feel him behind me, the ever watching and silent man that he was. He was the one that taught me how to be okay with my own silence. He taught me to be silent, while speaking volumes. He was ready to bury yet another body, if I asked. I took a step back, almost bumping into him and smiled at Marie. "Thanks for everything, but I won't be needing you to watch him any more. He starts day care this week," I said, before I walked back to the car.

As we pulled out of the driveway, she was still standing on her porch, staring at me wide-eyed. I settled into my seat, Andy strapped in behind me. The silence settled back in and all I could do to keep from crying was blink and swallow really hard. That woman always knew were to hit, where the freshest wounds were. I had mistaken her for a mother figure, but I realized I was better off with Gemma.

We drove through Stockton, my heart and mind heavy with unspoken thoughts. "Thank you for last night. I know you didn't have to," I whispered, staring out of the window. I received silence as a response. But if it's one thing I knew about Chibs, it was that he was always listening, even if you thought he wasn't. I glanced back and found Andy asleep in his car seat, a small relief in my awkward existence.

Maybe getting everything with Marie off my chest inspired me to not give a fuck anymore. Maybe it was all of the events of last night or the drugs in my system, but there I was- not giving a fuck anymore. "I'm sorry, you know. I was confused. Once I left, I regretted it. But I knew I couldn't come back. Not to you anyways," I said. How pitiful could I be? I practically begging him to acknowledge me at this point.

I looked over to him, to see if he would have any reaction. Chibs kept staring straight, his face blank. "I... I made a mistake, and I know that we could never go back to what we were. I just want to be civil with you." More silence. I shifted in my seat, facing him. What the hell? Might as well go all out. "I miss you." Ha! His hands tightened around the steering wheel. "I am still in love with you." That got a response from him.

I went flying into the door as he drove the car off the road. He came to an abrupt stop and climbed out of the car, slamming the door after him. I watched as he walked to the back of the car, running his hands through his hair. By the time I got the courage to climb out of the car, he was on his second cigarette. I stood a few feet away from him, and when I opened my mouth to speak, he held his hand up.

"You think I didn't miss you? That I didn't love you? We were together for 2 god damn years! And you left like nothing! Didn't look back. Never called. I looked for you, every night and damn day! Do you think I want to be civil with you? I can't stand the sight of you!" Well, there's my response. I knew he was pissed, but damn, turns out he's really pissed. His chest rose up and down, as he breathed deeply.

I cocked my eyebrow and nodded, pursing my lips. I knew he wasn't done yet. "And then last night..." He stopped and drew in a deep breath, sounding defeated. "And then last night, you called Jax. Not me! And when I saw you like that... I would've killed him if you hadn't. It killed me to see you like that. How could someone hurt you?" He dropped his shoulders, leaning against the car.

I finally felt safe enough to approach him, so I walked over to him, hooking my fingers into his belt loop. He wouldn't look at me, so I placed my sunglasses on the top of my head and faced him, drawing him closer to me. "I wanted to call you. Every bone in my body wanted to call you, but I was scared that you wouldn't pick up the phone. That you wouldn't come. And if you left me there, in that condition, I knew it would be over. That you didn't love me anymore. I rather put my life in Jax's hands, than face that truth," I said.

He finally faced me, his lips set in a straight line. "I can't forgive you for leaving. That wound is too deep," he said. I nodded, realizing that I knew this all along. The Scot could hold a grudge. "Okay," I said, feeling like a knife was stabbing me in the gut. I could do nothing else but hold my tongue now and realize that things were really over. "Thanks for everything you've done so far. I appreciate it, more than you'll ever know," I mumbled, turning around and heading back to the side of the car. When I opened the door, I found his hand closing it.

I turned around and faced him, sliding my sunglasses back down to my face. I couldn't face him anymore. My insides were a nervous mess. All I could do was hold it together long enough to get home and break down in the shit hole that is my house. "I know we need to be civil with each other, this town isn't big enough for all that shit, " he said. What was he asking? I wasn't quite sure what the hell he was saying.

"I hate to ask, but I need to know..." Oh crap. Here it is. The moment I was dreading. He's going to ask about Andy. I looked over to him, asleep in his car seat. That boy was the spitting image of his father. How could anyone doubt it? How couldn't he see it? "What did Marie mean by you not having that kid?" He asked, his voice low. I flipped back to him and sighed. Marie could never keep her overweight ass shut. She only found out because I needed her to pick me up from the hospital. I couldn't lie to him after she let the cat out of the bag, and he deserved to know.

"I left for several different reasons. One of them was because things weren't going so good between me and you. I know, I signed up for this lifestyle, I should've expected it. My father, Johnny, you- I knew what happened at the club after hours and on the road. I knew my role and how to play it well, but I let it get under my skin, I let it drag me under. So when I found out I was pregnant, I kept shut," I admitted. I sat back into my seat, feeling the bright sun warm my skin.

He grabbed my hard, dragging me towards him, out of the car. I could feel his body taut with tension. "What did you do?" He asked, his voice pleading. I shrugged, kind of pissed off that he would think I would DO anything. I yanked my arm away and glared at him. "I had been having cramps for a while, on and off. They started to get really intense and next thing I know, I wake up in the middle of the night in a pool of blood. I called you- you didn't pick up. So I had to call Marie. I couldn't drive to the hospital, I was in so much pain and there was blood everywhere. 24 hours later, I get sent home. I had a miscarriage."

I watched him, waiting for any reaction. He stared at me, his face set like stone. "And you left?" Because of that and other things. Specifically, because of Jax holding a gun to my head. "Almost 48 hours had gone by. I could've bled to death and you wouldn't have even known. There I was, grieving a child by myself, while you whored yourself through the western coast!" I didn't realize that by then I was screaming and in his face. It was true, I resented Chibs all along for leaving me alone when I needed him the most. Yes, he didn't know what was going, but he should've sensed it. He should've known that something had changed in me, when I let the stillness and the silence take permanent residence in my house.

I drew in a deep breath and took a step back, rubbing my face. He stood silent, watching me. "So you just laid there with me, in the night, and didn't happen to share this information with me? Unbelievable," he muttered. How was I still in the wrong? I felt like opening my mouth and spilling the beans, more as a punishment than me clearing the air. How did I let it happen like that? Because you weren't there! I wanted to yell and scream at him, I wanted him to feel as low as I did. There was a time when we were perfect together, in sync and passionate. I didn't even recognize us anymore. I didn't even recognize myself anymore.

"And then you skipped town. Good thing you didn't wait for me to knock you up, marry you, and then abandon both me and your child. At least we know you're not entirely your mother. " I drew in a deep breath, trying to regain my composure. I didn't want to break down in front of him, but the wounds his words caused was driving me crazy. I didn't need the comparison between my mother and myself. I already had enough nightmares about those. "Take me home" I said, yanking open the car door. He stared at me, as I climbed into the car. I wish I could read his mind. Know what he was thinking. All I know, was that as he climbed into the car, his face screamed disgust. No empathy.


	6. The Tide Revisited

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Six**: The Tide Revisited

I tried to cry myself to sleep that night, but that never really worked out. My mind running a mile a minute, as usual, and the wounds were too fresh and deep. Why should I sleep? When I was already half dead inside. All I needed was one more crappy thing to happen to me to finish me off. I was in a dark place, all wrapped up in my feelings, strangling myself slowly. It had been a while, since I had been that dark and alone, my mind picturing the small bottle of pills I had stashed away. I never planned to use them, they were leftover from a different life. I closed the bedroom door softly, assured that Andy was fast asleep, the faint image still in the back of my mind.

I walked into the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub, reaching into the cabinet under the sink. I rummaged around, feeling around for a makeup bag. When my fingers clasped it, I felt a little relief. I opened the bag and out poured some old, crumbled up joints, and a small pill bottle. I threw everything back into the cabinet, my hands wrapped around the pill bottle. I felt a small thrill, as I walked into the kitchen, and poured myself a glass of whiskey. My nerves settled down a bit, as I threw back the pills with a swig of it. I ran my hand across my swollen and busted up lip, grimacing at the sharp paint that shot through it.

My eyes kept fluttering back to the now empty pill bottle, laying there on the counter. Everything began to slow down, as time went by and the drugs flooded my system. I smiled to myself, in my mind prancing over to the couch. I picked up my cell phone and my fingers typed out his name, knowing he would come. I need you, I wrote, before laying down on the couch and closing my eyes. I let my body float in the darkness.

An eternity could have passed, it wouldn't have mattered. I woke too soon. My body reeled as I sat up, my mouth feeling dry. Happy appeared in the door way, a glass of water in hand. His face was straight, as he walked over and perched himself on the edge of the coffee table. "What were you trying to do?" He whispered, reaching over and pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. I wasn't trying to do anything. Just forget for a while.

I didn't have time to respond, as my stomach began to do somersaults. I jumped up, rushing to the bathroom, collapsing in front of the toilet. I leaned over and began to throw up, emptying my stomach's content. I pulled away from the toilet, leaning against the cool tile wall behind it. Happy appeared again, this time a blanket in tow. "Jax is going to be here any minute, looking for his dope," he said, wrapping the blanket around me.

I nodded lazily, barely able to pick up my head, the room spinning. "Under... the couch," I managed to say, all sorts of lights going off in my head. Okay- I was still high as shit at this point. I smiled up at him, my hand reaching up and caressing the side of his face. "We can't," he said, pulling away. I swear I whimpered, laying down on the tile floor, throwing the blanket away from me.

Through the tiles I could feel the rumble. There was at least three of them coming. In and out, that's how my mind went, struggling to focus on the voices around me. I laid there, and wished it all away. The pain. The loneliness. The sadness. I looked up, seeing the hazy figures in front of me, eyes closing once again.

I am sure that I must have looked a sight. Stretched out on the floor at an odd angle. Clothes all disheveled. "Jesus Christ," I heard a voice say. It was too fuzzy to determine who it was. Who was looking at me in my current state. "What the hell happened?" It didn't matter, they were most likely condemning me. It's not a suicide attempt, I promise. Just a little fun, I wanted to saw, but my mouth went slack.

"She sent me a text. I came. I found her like this."

"Shit. You think she tried to kill herself?"

"No. I think she's just dealing."

"She's done this before?"

"She came close once."

"You knew about this?"

"I'll take care of her," was the last thing I heard, before succumbing to the darkness again.

* * *

><p>It wasn't a suicide attempt, I swear. It's not like I have much credibility available to me anyways, so why believe me. I woke up the next morning, on the couch and in Happy's arms, my body aching. I struggled to sit up, pushing off his heavy arms. I slid off of his lap, grabbing onto the coffee table for support, and came face to face with a pair of worn boots. I followed the legs and almost screamed when I found Chib's face staring back at me.<p>

"Care to explain?" He said, helping me stand up. I brushed the hair from my face, completely ignoring him. "I need to take a bath," I murmured, pushing past him and heading towards the bathroom. I filled the bath tub up after checking on Andy, the steam clouding the mirrors. I sat back in the bath tub, the hot water reaching my chin. I closed my eyes, feeling the sleep coming back. And then I heard the boot steps.

I didn't even bother to open my eyes. I knew it was him as he sat down on the toilet. I can only assuming staring at me as I soaked in the tub. "I know you're in a bad place right now, and our chat probably didn't help," he said. I scoffed. "I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have compared you to her. I was just... hurting."

I shrugged. "We all hurt sometimes, Chibs. It's how you deal with the hurt that defines who you are. Me? I'm emotional. That's been my characterization since day once, none of this should be a surprise to you," I responded, my voice flat. I opened my eyes, glancing over at him. "I... Seeing you every day... makes it difficult to forget. When you were gone, it was easy to lock away those memories. To bury myself in my work and forget what we had. And now you're back, and it's blow after blow with you."

I listened carefully, nodding along with him. I hadn't taken the time out to picture things his side of things. I was so concerned with winning back his love, that I hadn't stopped to let him breathe. This time I was the tide. "I get it, Chibs. I'm not asking you to take me back today. Fate has just thrown us together in very unfortunate circumstances lately," I replied. He nodded, standing up from the toilet seat and looking down at me. "Time, love," he said, before walking out of the bathroom.

I slid under the surface of the water, holding my breath. I knew things wouldn't be easy, but I needed to get my shit together. Now they would all look at me as if I was hanging on by a thread. I wasn't, I just haven't learned how to deal with my emotions without drowning them in a bottle or numbing myself from the inside out. I had learned how to love, but not forget.

* * *

><p>I laid in bed that night, listening to Andy lightly snore in his crib. The wind knocked against the house and I shuddered, almost thinking about skipping town. That thought was in the back of my head constantly. Over the last few weeks, my life had been turned upside down. The club was harping in, making me bend against my will. Chibs detested me, barely spoke to me whenever we were around each other. Life went on, as if I invisible.<p>

I sighed, hearing a light knock on the front door. My body still sore from the beating it took a few days ago, I managed to somehow get myself out of bed in a decent time. I shuffled to the door, in what I'm sure would appear to be a disorderly manner. Wavy hair all over the place. Pajamas wrinkled. I looked in the peephole and found Jax standing in the shadows, covered up in a hoodie. Street clothes, interesting.

I opened the door begrudgingly, when the king came a-knocking, you answer. "Alibi or a drink?" I asked, holding it open for him. He scoffed. "Maybe both. We'll see how the night turns out," he responded, closing the door behind him. I walked through the dark house, heading into the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of whatever was in the cabinet and two glasses, slamming it down on the coffee table. "Make yourself comfortable,"I said sarcastically, as he had already kicked his feet up on the table and had plopped himself down onto my couch.

"I just got back from getting rid of your little friend," he said, pouring himself a drink. I leaned back into the couch, wrapping my feet underneath me. I had flashbacks of that night, my mind running a mile a minute. The grunting, the smell of sweat and blood. The pain. I shook my head to clear it, running my hand through my crazy hair. "Okay," I responded, not knowing what the hell to say in a situation like this. Hey, how are you? Just buried that man you killed yesterday. You know, the one that raped and beat you. Oh, thanks so much. I'll make sure to include that in the Christmas family newsletter.

"He was a local junkie. No one that will be missed," he said, staring holes into me. I stared back, knowing Jax too well to think he came over only to tell me that. " Glad he won't be missed. Not like he'll ever be forgotten," I replied, my voice dead. Silence settled in between us, as I waited for him to speak his mind. "I need another bundle, as soon as possible." I rolled my eyes. I knew there had to be a catch. Nothing was ever that easy with the club.

"You owe me..." I snapped my head up, breathing heavily. "I owe you? For what? For burying a body? And now I guess for blackmailing me? What exactly do I owe you?" I said, reaching over and pouring myself a drink. "Take it easy, Jessie. I meant it in a friendly way," Jax said, lighting a cigarette. I cocked my head to the side. I drew in a deep breath and settled myself down. "You can't push what won't move, Jax. You'll only wear yourself out."

He nodded and shrugged his shoulders. "You're right, but the club needs it. You belong to this club. Your father, your husband- all died for this club. You are a part of us." I laughed loudly, a good solid laugh. I nodded, taking a sip of my drink. I couldn't believe the audacity of him. "I understand the pull that the club has one everyone and everything around it. It can't be ignored, but I can't let myself get dragged down by it." I reached across the coffee table and grabbed my pack of cigarettes, lighting one up. I fully understood it, I lived it. Johnny, my father, Chibs- my entire life used to revolve around what the club wanted.

"So why did you come back? This club is what is keeping you tied to Charming. You could've gotten your father's shit taken care and left a long time ago. Instead, you switch jobs, get a house, and get raped." I stared off into the wall, he was right. I know the real reason I came back, but I couldn't face it. I couldn't admit it out loud, or even to myself. In the deep, darkest part of my mind, I was whispering it though. "It's the kid, isn't it? You wan to make a happy, little family for him." He said, leaning forward.

My eyes snapped back to him, my heart pumping loudly. "You need to come clean with Chibs. Tell him about the kid. He'll understand, he'll be able to move past it. This club, it's all about family. And that man loves his family." I knew the sacrifices Chibs had made for his family, Fiona and Kerriane. For SAMCRO. He had made sacrifices that he didn't even know he had. "You can't expect to fix things, if you're hiding everything from everyone."

I pondered what he said. "Just because I was away doesn't mean my heart wasn't here, Jax. My mind was in Charming all along. It's why I came back. I need to make things right with Chibs, I need Andy to know his father," I whispered. Jax's expression was priceless, as he ran a hand over his face and leaned back into the armchair he was in. "Did you know when you left town?" He asked.

"No, I had no idea. Me and Happy, just happened. Several times. I was in a dark place. Chibs was never there for me, I... kept stuff to myself that I should've shared with him. I just wanted to be loved, and I faltered in thinking Chibs didn't love me. By the time I settled into Nevada, doc said I was almost two months along," I said. "It was easier to stay gone," he added, nodding along. I sighed, glancing up at Jax. "This isn't a movie, sweetheart. Not everyone is perfect, we all have flaws. This is real life, and in real life, you have to deal with your shit," he said.

"Finding out about Happy will destroy him. Finding out about Andy will kill him," I whispered. I realized that this situation was about to get worse. I was barely hanging on with him not talking to me, how would I survive with him knowing the truth. "You have to tell him. You need to talk to him. He's distracted. It will get him killed," he replied. I never thought about it- how this would affect Chibs. I knew finding out would bring problems between him and Chibs, but I never thought about him overall. "I'll talk to him, Jax. I just need to get my shit together first. Figure out how this will all play out."

We sat in silence, drinking our drinks, pondering our next move. I looked at Jax, the years showing on his face. "Apart from all this madness, how are you?" I dared to ask, feeling like I was opening Pandora's box. He nodded, running a hand over his beard. "I am... lost. Empty on the inside. Everything is happening so fast, I haven't really had time to think about it all," he said, quietly. He flicked his lighter open and close, over and over again.

I nodded, taking a sip of my drink. "Time will help you, Jax. You'll grieve on your own time, but those thoughts in the back of your mind, those will never go away," I said, leaning into my seat. I knew very well the thoughts that were currently going through his head. The what-ifs. Tears streamed down his face slowly, as his bottom lip quivered. "She was just trying to pull the boys out of this life. She knew something bad was going to happen. She had followed me this far, and I couldn't protect her. Save her from me," he whispered.

In this life, you live and die for the club. Every breath you take depends on where you stand that specific day. It's why most don't survive in Charming, why even fewer leave and come back to their home. "She loved you, Jax. When you love someone enough, you'll follow them wherever. Love is what kept her here. Love for you, your boys and this town. Now it's your turn to love them enough for both of you," I said. Jax nodded, wiping his tears and clearing this throat. He threw back his drink, slamming his glass on the table. "Yeah, love."


	7. The Rock and The Hard Place

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Author's Note**: Light smut.

**Chapter Seven**: The Rock and the Hard Place

I balanced the casserole dish on one hand, the other holding onto to Andy for dear life as he struggled to get away. There we were, at Gemma's annual carnival fundraiser for whatever charity she was obsessed with this time. I don't know how I got dragged into this, but here I was, with some half assed casserole in tow. I guess I was officially, somewhat back in the fold since I got an invite from the queen herself.

"Here, let me help you with that," she said, from behind the table she was currently helping set up. She grabbed the dish from me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Why don't you let Chuckie take care of the boys?" She said, motioning behind me. I turned around and found him behind me, Thomas in tow. "Abel's over there with Lilah and the girls. I'll watch him," he said, reaching for Andy's hand.

I was little hesitant at first, watching him lead Andy towards the bouncy house, but if he wasn't safe here with all of these people he wouldn't be safe anywhere. This was his legacy, I thought to myself. His grandfather, his father. Would he choose to walk down the same path? Make the same choices? I shook my head to clear it, and turned back to Gemma, a small smile on my face.

"What can I help you with?" I asked. She looked around and snapped her fingers. "The drinks. They are in the back of my car. We should get them in ice as soon as possible," she said, handing me her car keys. "Got it," I replied, grabbing a dolly and heading towards the parking lot. I spotted the Cadillac and opened the trunk, beginning to load the drinks onto the hand truck.

"I got ice," the man said. I turned around, finding Chibs standing behind me. I raised an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to say more. I'm assuming this was his way of initiating a semi-friendly conversation, all in hopes of quelling any drama in front of the town. "Uh, thanks," I said, turning back to the drinks. I continued to load them onto the dolly, when he sat on the bumper of the SUV, rubbing his chin. Oh no, he was thinking.

"Last time we spoke, we didn't leave things in a good place. It's been gnawing at me," he said. I nodded, sitting down next to him. "I'm sorry for the way you found out about the baby. I know it must have hurt to hear about it the way you did," I whispered. "I am not without fault. I didn't mean to hurt you like that, make you leave," he responded. If only you knew that it wasn't your fault. This entire thing was my fault. I pursed my lips together to keep the truth inside.

"I know that you are working with the club now, so we need to be on the same page, the same side. I still have a lot of issues to work through, but I can't have my personal life getting in the mix," he added. If only you knew how personal things were right now. I nodded, drawing in a deep breath. This wasn't the reconciliation I was hoping for, but at least there would be peace.

"You can still count on me, you know. I may be mad and pissed off, but you still have a friend in me," he added. I nodded along, accepting what I could get from him. "Well, I'll leave you to it," he said, standing up and getting back onto the sidewalk. "We okay?" He asked, turning back to face me. No, we're not okay. We'll never be okay again. Shouldn't I just accept it?

"Yep," I stammered out, severely struggling to keep my mouth shut. I watched him walk away and head into the carnival, his body disappearing into the crowd. I reminded myself that I chose this. I left to save them both from my mistake. There was no undo button for me to press. I could only move forward from here on out. So I did just that, I pushed him out of my mind, even though he was merely a few feet away. I concentrated on the task at hand- to sell food and raffle tickets.

There he was, running around with the kids. His hand rubbing the top of Andy's head. His laugh, and then the skank that caused it. I rolled my eyes, watching them all. "You guys will work it out," Gemma said, sliding up next to me. I scoffed, at the rate we were going I would be dead first. "I'm sure we will," I responded, sarcastically, slamming the serving spoon back into the bowl. "Maybe you should take a break," she said, taking the bowl away from me. I sighed, running a hand over my face.

"Listen sweetheart, men are like wounded dogs. All they want is to fight back and take a big chunk out of ya. He'll dig in to ya first before he lets go," Gemma said, facing me. I looked over to her, taking in the wrinkles and the laugh lines. If there was anyone that new about struggle, it would be her. "I'm gonna go take a smoke break," I said, taking off my apron and handing it to her. I practically ran from that table, ending up behind the building on some concrete steps.

I lit that cigarette and took a long drag, as if my life depended on it. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw them appear, all over each other. Chibs and the blonde. I sat still, smoke filtering out slowly from my mouth, my eyes glued on them. They were all over each other, leaning against his bike as he strapped his helmet on. I could've sworn this was some sick payback, as he kissed her hard, her hands gravitating to his crotch. It was pure torture watching them together, it was even worse when his eyes landed on me as he drove away.

Was this my payment, I thought to myself as I transitioned back into the carnival, sitting on a bench in view of the kids. I watched Andy play with Abel, the two chasing each other around. Happy walked up and sat down next to me, his face as serious as usual. "I'm guessing by the look on your face that you saw them together," he said. I nodded, never taking my eyes off of Andy. "He looks like him, you know. The hair and the nose." I listened to him speak, pretty much frozen.

"If he won't love you, I will. You know that. You and Andy, you're my family. Always will be no matter what happens between you and Chibs." I was afraid to look at him. I knew that if I did, I would break down. I would throw myself on top of him, I would forsake Chibs. And yet there I was again- Happy saying all the right things, Chibs doing all the wrong ones. It was like I was stuck in a cosmic loop. Karma is a bitch.

"I am such a fucked up person to be in love with the both of you. I can't imagine saying no to one of you. Losing one, gaining the other," I said, turning towards him. He glanced over at me, his lips set in a straight line. "It's going to be okay. Everything will work itself out," he replied. I felt his hands inch towards me and then stop.

Eyes were every where. I turned back towards Abel and Andy, feeling somewhat reassured. I knew Happy was loyal. He would follow me to the ends of the earth if I asked him to. He would die for me if need be. How could I choose? Here sat this man, willing to love me and let me go at the same time, willing to be a father to a child that wasn't his. That was an honorable man. So why couldn't I choose him?

The sun went down, the afternoon filled with laughter and gloom, all at the same time. We sat on that bench in silence, watching everyone as they went about their day. I hated myself in that very moment, as I fought the urge to reach out and touch Happy. The urge to make him smile. I turned to him, but then he was a gone. A cell phone chirp later, they were all gone.

* * *

><p>He came out of nowhere. The last time I saw him was weeks ago, and I was sure would be my last. He could barely look at me, disgust clearly stated on his face. I just turned around, and there he was. I almost dropped the plate in my hand, a scream stifled in my throat as I realized it was him. "Where's the kid?" He asked roughly, throwing his cut on the table.<p>

I turned around and went back to the dishes I washing. "Day care," I threw over my shoulder. I knew I should've been more concerned on what exactly he was doing in my house, uninvited, but at this point I was cherishing any meager words he would throw at me. There I stood, back facing him, as he crept up behind me and wrapped his arms through mines, his hands landing on my braless chest.

I jumped as I felt his hands on me, tears springing to my eyes, me shrinking away from Chibs.. I couldn't get that man attacking me out of my head. I was currently on edge, waiting for the next blow to come. "Shhh, it's okay," he whispered, bringing his hands to my shoulders and rubbing them gently. He kissed me on the back of my head and I began to relax.

I hung my head, a shiver running through my body. I drew in a deep breath, as he grabbed onto my jeans and flipped me around to face him. There he was, his hands caressing my face. Today was supposed to be an okay day. I took Andy to day care, so that I could clean. Today was not supposed to special, but here I was barefoot in my kitchen with my heart trying to escape my chest.

I stared into his eyes, trying to find answers to the million questions in my head. I opened my mouth to speak, but Chibs put his finger on my mouth and shushed me, a small smile on his face. I nodded, understanding his unspoken thoughts. I couldn't confuse this with a reconciliation. This was merely a friendly visit. I knew this game, I had played it before. One that I was going to win. If he wasn't going to let me back in, at least he was going to miss me afterwards.

I sat up on the kitchen counter, pulling my shirt over my head, facing him. I blushed, embarrassed at the lingering bruises I was still sporting. He glanced me over, before removing his gun holster and unbuttoning his own shirt. As he drew closer, I reached out and grabbed his face, drawing his mouth to mine. I bit his bottom lip, as he dug his fingers into my back. I kissed him hard, as if I was trying to make up for lost time, gripping at his shirt. He kissed my bruises gently, rubbing his hands all over my torso.

I took hold of his collar, placing my face in his neck and drawing in a deep breath. There he was, everything I ever wanted, right in my hands. Right within my grasp. I couldn't get sentimental now. I couldn't forget what this really was. A booty call. The closest I was ever going to get to him. I hopped off the counter, pulling his shirt off.

I walked towards the bedroom, him trailing behind me. As I entered the bedroom, he slid up behind me, pushing me lightly onto the bed. I lay down on my back, as he slid between my legs, his mouth finding mine. I moaned into his mouth, as his hand delved between my legs. Moments later, we shed our pants, and I let him enter me. For a brief moment, I panicked, but his eyes brought me back to reality. I didn't need to panic, he would take care of me. He would eventually love me. God knows I needed this. I needed to feel this man between my legs.

I don't know how I survived that moment with him, climaxing and moaning until my voice was hoarse, without breaking down. Oh how I missed him. I was the biggest mistake of his life, while he was the biggest loss of mine. I watched as climaxed, riding him through out it, relishing his rough, calloused hands on my waist. He fell asleep moments later, his face soft and relaxed. I let him sleep, watching the soft rise and fall of his chest. For a few minutes, I forgot about everything that happened between us. I pretended that it was a normal day in Charming, and that everything was going to be alright.

When he awoke, I was back in the kitchen, dressed once again and sitting on the window seat. I stared into the backyard, watching the squirrels play in the tree, cigarette dangling between my fingertips. He emerged in his underwear and a solemn face on. I washed his clothes while he slept, my usual move. He slept, I cleaned the blood out of his clothes. He knew the drill, as he picked up his clothes from the kitchen table and slipped into them. "Thank you," he said, quietly.

For the clothes or for the fuck? Either one was fine. I nodded, turning back to my squirrels. Moments later, I heard the front door open and close. And then there was the loud rumble. 8 words. That's all he spoke to me. 8 words.


	8. Truth

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Eight**: Truth

I sat on the park's bench, watching Andy play in the sandbox. Another beautiful day in Charming. I took a sip of my coffee, smiling at him. I leaned back into my seat, my legs crossed, shades on my face. I was enjoying my day off until I spotted Gemma headed my way with the stroller in tow. I smiled up at her, drawing in a deep breath.

Gemma was a Charming staple. I could've sworn she was as old as the town itself. She had been here since the beginning of the infamy that surrounded it. If you lived in Charming, and loved the club, you sure as hell had to learn how to live with and love her too. I didn't despise her entirely, she had her moments, but lord knows she was as bad as they came. She was a bitter pill to swallow. "How are ya?" I shot up at her, as she sat down next to me.

"Good, taking the boys out," she replied, pointing over to the jungle gym at whom I guessed was Abel. "How's he settling in?" She asked as I smiled down at the younger child in the stroller and caressed his cheek. "He's good. It's taking him some time to get used to his new day care teacher, but he's adjusting. Got a mean cold from day care though," I responded, motioning over to him. "Yeah, those dirty little buggers there are a cesspool."

"I'm sorry about Tara," I said, "must be hard for everyone." She nodded, reaching over and taking my cup of coffee from my hand."Yeah, it is, but I think it reminded everyone of what we can all lose," she said. I angled my face towards her, the dark hair and sunglasses not letting me read her face, as she took a sip from my coffee cup. I was pretty sure I should be reading between the lines.

"I can imagine," I replied, not sure where this was going. We sat in silence, our eyes on our respective boys. "When you left town, things changed. Charming was not what it once was, or what it currently is. There was a lot of death, a lot of change. Some made it out, most didn't. I can only guess, he feels betrayed. Abandoned. Lost. Chibs managed to become more quiet than he usually is, more alone and lost in this thoughts." Here it is, the unwanted lecture she was famous phone. Mother time herself, giving out advice.

I had noticed the new patch on his cut, a change in the guards. I knew life would go on without me, but I hadn't figured it would be so hard to fit back in. What was I thinking? Coming back here was a mistake. I had already gotten into bed with the club, something that I told myself I would never do. My father spent years in and out of prison, years of Marie and me piecing back together our lives. I sighed.

Gemma stood up, handing me back my half drunk coffee cup. She pushed hair away from her face and called out to Abel. She turned back to me, her hand on her hip, and gave me a small smile. "You know, I knew your mother back when she met your father. We all knew you weren't his, she was too far along, but he did the honorable thing. I'm proud of you, raising that kid on your own. For coming back home," she said, before walking off.

I could've done with out the mention of her and if Gemma was still standing in front of me, I'm sure I would've done or said something to make me forget what I was trying to accomplish in Charming. Forgiveness, peace. I watched her walk away, my foot bouncing nervously as I struggled to keep a hold of my feelings. I turned back to Andy, reminding myself that this was all for him. I must admit that after a while, after I had calmed down, I did smile to myself. For once, I had surpassed the expectations my mother had set.

* * *

><p>It was a chilly night. I stood outside of the emergency room, a cigarette dangling from my lips as I frantically paced. Inside those walls lay Andy, sick as ever. The common cold turning into pneumonia in over a week. He coughed and wheezed all through the night, until I thought he was going to turn blue. In my hysterics, I managed to drive him to the hospital in the middle of the night, my leg jumping nervously.<p>

Happy pulled up on his bike, jumping off and running over to me. "I didn't know who to call," I said, burying my head in his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. "How is he?" He asked, rubbing the top of my head. I shook my head, tears threatening to spill out. "He has a really bad fever and is having a hard time breathing," I mumbled. He dragged me back into the hospital, realizing that I couldn't runaway from the fear.

"He's going to be fine," Happy said, leaning over Andy's hospital bed, pushing back a strand of his hair. I nodded, standing at the foot of the bed, tears sliding down my face. "He's never been sick before, not like this. The worse thing that ever happened to him was an inflamed rash," I said, walking over to the reclining chair in the corner of the room. I melted into the seat, a nervous wreck.

Happy turned around and slid into the chair next to me, leaning towards me. I inhaled, the faint smell of Irish Springs somewhat comforting me. He would make everything better. I leaned back in the chair, closing my eyes. "It's going to be okay, Jessie. I know it will. My mother is praying for him," he said. I nodded, the beeping of the nearby machines lulling me to sleep.

Why did I call him? I don't know. I just knew I needed someone to hold my hand, someone to lean against right now. I could've called Wendy, Gemma, or even Jax, but he was the first person that came to mind. Happy was my crutch, my go to guy. I knew I could count on him no matter what.

The lights were dim, when I awoke, my head almost on my chest. I jerked up, my eyes flying to Andy, where he lay fast asleep. "He's fine. Doc checked on him a few minutes ago," a voice said. I turned, finding Chibs sitting in a chair in the far, darker corner of the room. I glanced over at Happy, who had fallen asleep also.

I stood up, walking to the railing on the bed, grasping it tightly. I heard Chibs move, standing next to the other railing. "What happened?" He asked, staring at me intently. "I don't know. It was a simple cold that escalated so fast," I responded, reaching over and running my hand through Andy's hair. "I meant why didn't you call me?" I followed his line of vision to the man sleeping on the chair. What the hell? He was actually jealous?!

I glared at him, not believing he would say those words to me, over Andy's sleeping body. I reached over Andy and shoved him, angered by his question. Never mind the fact that he was so close to the truth, and yet this time he was so far. I walked around the bed and grabbed his arm, pulling him towards the door. When the door latched behind me, I turned around and punched him in the chest.

"How dare you!" I whispered, trying not to wake any nearby patients. "I needed someone who could talk me off the ledge, Chibs. Someone who could offer comfort in a time like this, not piss me off! He was comforting me! Your s..." Your son is sick and all you can think about is Happy? That's what I wanted to say, but I caught myself, the loaded word on the tip of my tongue. I brought my hand to my mouth, and took a step back. Chibs grabbed my arm and dragged me towards him. "Say it! Go ahead!" He snarled.

I yanked my arm away from him and turned back towards the door, watching Andy and Happy sleep. "You wouldn't want to hear it anyways," I said, giving him my back, my voice low and quiet. He stood beside me, hands in his pockets. "Say it," he whispered. "Say what?" I countered, challenging him to admit whatever truth he wanted me to say. What did he suspect? What did he want to hear?

"That you're ready to move on. I need to hear you say it," he replied. I nodded my head, before turning towards him. "I am trying, Chibs. You think I'm not lonely? That seeing you with that skank didn't make me want to blow my brains out? I am not dead you know, I have feelings too. And you stopping by every so often to fuck me isn't going to make them go away, isn't going to make things easier," I spat out. My body ached for his touch, I could feel myself leaning ever so slightly his way. If he touched me right now, I would explode.

He grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the vending machine, shoving me into the dark corner behind it. He kissed me roughly, his teeth hitting mine, his beard scratching my face. I pulled away from him, my legs feeling weak. Chibs punched the wall behind me, groaning loudly. He took a step back, wiping his mouth. "I know, I need to stop. I just feel like I have so much time to make up for, and that makes me angry," he whispered. I stepped away from him, clearing my throat. "I need to get back to Andy," I whispered, before walking away, wiping my mouth.

I stopped at the doorway, drawing in a deep breath. I don't know how much longer I could go, hanging on by a thread. "I told you to say the words, Chibs. Tell me to leave if it will make things easier for you, it would make you happy again," I said, before walking back towards Andy's room. I pushed the door open, and found Andy alone. Happy was long gone.


	9. Or Dare?

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Nine**: Or Dare?

I was in that awkward phase again, like I was just back in high school. That time in your life that everyone in Charming has to decide how involved with the club they wanted to be. But there I was, back at work, slipping yet another heroin bundle into my waistband. I quickly put everything back into the evidence box, removing my plastic gloves and shoving them into my pocket. I sighed, walking out of the back evidence room and back to my desk.

My phone rang as I sat down, the caller ID blinking anonymous. I picked up, eyes rolling into the back of my head as I thought about the many other things I could be doing instead of working. "Stockton P.D.," I mumbled, siting back into my desk chair and kicking up my feet. "Shouldn't the civil servant sound a little more enthusiastic to service citizens?" Jax. I scoffed, picking up a ball on my desk and tossing it.

"I ran out of coffee and donuts," I responded, tossing the ball between my hands, phone in the crook of my neck. "Listen, you've been doing such a good job keeping the bad guys off the streets, I figured I would invite you to our latest shindig," he said. My interest was peaked so far. "Is this some kind of a trap? The kind where I end up the main character in an episode of Forensic Files?" This was too good to be true. For the last two months, the only interaction I had had with them was meeting in dark alleys and handing off their goods.

"Come on, for old times sake. I promise, we'll be civil. And... I wanted to talk to you anyways. Catch up and what not," he added. And then my interest flat lined. This was business, cloaked in the guise of a get together. He wanted something from me. Well here it was, the in that I wanted. A reason to be a part of it all. To be back in the fold, surrounded by drama 24/7. It's why I agreed to the money, why I put it all on the line. I sighed and drew in a deep breath. "Fine, I can stop by," I said, finally giving in. What I was really excited about was possibly running into him.

* * *

><p>There I was, heeled boots and skinny jeans. Hair down in loose waves, makeup on point. It took me about half a day to get my shit together, long enough to dig into the back of the closer to find the outfits I no longer wore. The tight, dark jeans. The tight shirts. The extra black eyeliner. I walked into the rebuild of Teller-Morrow, my heels clicking against the concrete. I looked like I was pretty much 20 years away from being Gemma.<p>

Loud music was blasting and everyone seemed to have drinks in their hands. I walked through the crowd, nodding and smiling at familiar faces, making my way to the bar. Seemed legit enough, so I relaxed, sliding into a bar stool. As I opened my mouth to give my order, Chibs slid in next to me. "She'll have a Jack and Ginger," he said, reaching over the bar for a beer. "You remember, how sweet," I muttered, my voice laced with sarcasm. "It practically oozes out of your pores," he replied, before walking away and disappearing into the crowd. I stared after him, downing my drink in 3 gulps, enjoying the distraction from the slow burn. 7 words, I got 7 words this time and I didn't need to fuck him. Ehhh... progress.

I sat around for about an hour, drinking and catching up with some of the locals. People I hadn't seen in years, that were still shocked I was back. I was in mid-conversation when Bobby showed up, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "Jax wants a word," he whispered, into my ear. I nodded, letting him take my hand and lead me to the back of the building. The volume of the party got lower and lower, as we made our way through the building.

I stepped into Jax's makeshift office, plopping down into a chair across from him and Chibs. Bobby closed the door, standing guard outside. "You rang?" I said, crossing my legs and lighting a cigarette. "Yes, I wanted to talk to you about acquiring some more product, more than the usual." I cocked my eyebrow, realizing that I was right. He wanted something from me. "I'm already pushing it, Jax. I'm smuggling 2 bricks a week from inventory, anything more will go noticed," I responded.

"Why only 2?" Chibs asked. Oh, he speaks! I looked over at him and gave him a patronizing smile. "I pull from the ones that have already gone to trial. Those won't be missed. And if anyone notices it's missing, it can be blamed on the shuffling back and forth from the court, a rookie officer." The boys nodded, Jax rubbing his beard as usual. "Where there is a will, there is a way," he mumbled.

I scoffed. There was a will alright, but I wouldn't be able to deliver it. "I can't do more than that. Stockton P.D. is scrambling to close cases and get those conviction rates up, so they are constantly pulling boxes. You seem to forget that I'm just a simple desk jockey. By the time it gets to me, it's already been cataloged, waiting to be processed," I said. Jax sighed and smiled sweetly at me. He was like a dog with a bone.

"I need some more product, sweetheart. Anything you can get your hands on. I'm sure you can ride that desk a little harder," he said, leaning forward on his knees. I glanced between him and Chibs, and thought about it. This was it- my one chance to secure a future for Andy and me. But was I willing to get in deeper? I had already taken as many precautions as I could to avoid being linked to the missing drugs. But the idea running through my mind would put me smack in the middle of it all, but the payday might just be worth it.

"Half. I want half of the take. And I want you to assure me that if anything goes wrong, you'll take care of me and Andy," I said, mentally kicking myself for all of this. Jax cocked his head towards me, and glanced over at Chibs. They looked at each other, locked eyes and nodded. "What do you have in mind?" Chibs asked. I sighed, running a hand over my face. "Stockton does a monthly purge of all of their drugs and weapons. There's a facility they use up north, to destroy the evidence after the case is closed. If... and this is a very big if, if I were to ask for some overtime, use what little connection I had, I might be able to get some weekend work there."

I leaned back into the chair, staring at the two of them. They looked at each other and nodded. "What would we need exactly?" Chibs asked. "A large vehicle. I won't know exactly how much stuff there will be, so we'll be taking a gamble. If we hit by the end of the month, we'll most likely get the most stuff. And quick men. It'll have to be a quick getaway. I've only been there once before, when I started out in the department. They have gates and a guard at the front, but for the most part it's just employees on the inside," I said, signing my life away. "You lead the way, sister," Jax retorted.

* * *

><p>Happy stood on the edge of the cliff, his face serious as he hid behind a pair of dark sunglasses. He climbed off of his bike as I turned off my car. This had to be serious. He had requested to meet me off the beaten path. There wasn't a bed in sight, so I knew he actually wanted to talk. I climbed out of the car and walked over to him, a smile on my face. "Hey, what's going on?" I said, trying to wrap my arm around him. He pushed my arm away and stared at me.<p>

"Okay..." I said, feeling uncomfortable with this entire situation. "We just had the table vote on you leading us into some warehouse to grab guns and drugs. You want to tell me about that?" He asked, his voice flat. Uh oh. I shrugged, trying to hide any worry. "Jax wanted more drugs, it was the only way to produce the amount that he needs," I replied. Okay, that was a shitty excuse. It had been days since I spoke to Jax about it. More than enough time to tell Happy about it, or even consult him.

He drew in a deep breath, flexing his fingers in his leather gloves. "Why didn't you tell me? This is dangerous, Jess," he said. I shrugged. "I don't know, okay. I'm just so used to doing my own thing, that it didn't occur for me to ask you for permission, Happy. I'm already worried about pulling off this entire thing, I didn't need to add you to the mix," I responded. I heard him sigh, shaking his head. "You're not the only one in this relationship, you know. I am playing second fiddle to Chibs here. I have to wait for him to come and go every day, I take backseat to whatever crazy idea you come up with. The least you can do is show me some respect."

I watched him, studying him. This was a whole new Happy, one that I had never dealt with before. He seemed to feel entitled, like he had a claim on me. Happy began to pace, a cigarette between his lips. Did he? Could he have a say on anything? He was the closest thing I had right now to a man in my life, to a boyfriend.

"I'm sorry, Happy. This is new territory for all of us. I didn't stop to think about how this would affect you," I said, approaching him. He faced me, my hands holding on to his cut. "I know we are not together, that you and Chibs are doing this entire song and dance, but at what point is it my time?" He asked. I knew it hurt him to ask that question. To actually voice the fact that he wasn't the only man, that he wasn't even the top priority.

I tugged gently on his cut, glad the sunglasses on my face were hiding my eyes. If he could see them, he would be able to recognize the fear in them. I shook my head and shrugged. "I have gotten myself into this hole, that I can't crawl out of, Happy. Choose you, and he'll kill us both. He'll resent me and I'll risk his future with Andy. Choose him, and I lose you. I have to put Andy first, here. I can't do anything to hurt him."

Happy pulled away from me, shaking his head softly. "So you kick the loyal dog, huh?" He said. I took a step towards him, but he held his hands up. "I can't have my life on hold because you can't choose between us. I can't sit here and watch you in dark corners with him." My heart broke, listening to his words. I knew eventually it would come to this, that he would get fed up with waiting on me. Here was my best friend, my lover. I was hurting him, instead of making him happy.

"I think... for your best interest, we should stay away from each other," I stammered out, my lip quivering as I fought back tears. He laughed and pointed at me. "Oh, don't blame this on me. Save your excuse of protecting me from him and the club. You are weak! You can't make a decision and stand by it. You want me to follow you around like a little puppy!" He yelled. I shook my head, drawing in a deep breath.

I knew what I had to do. I had to set him free. He deserved to be happy, to not spend his life waiting for the other shoe to drop. He deserved his own family. I walked over to him, pushing away his hands and kissing him deeply. I pulled away from him, tears streaming down my face. "I choose him, Happy. I choose Chibs," I said.

But I wasn't, I was choosing Happy again. I was choosing his happiness, his future. I knew if I stayed around, if I choose him, he would spend the rest of his life miserable. I chose Happy, as I ran to my car and climbed in. Dust clouded around me as I sped off the dirt road, leaving him standing there in disbelief.


	10. Standing Tall

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Ten**: Standing Tall

And there I was, my stomach in knots, standing in a motel room bathroom. I looked down at the gun in my hand, sitting on the edge of the tub, my heart beating hard. It had been a while since I held a gun, what was once second nature to me, was suddenly freaking me out. I was my father's daughter after all, the army sniper, who taught me everything I knew. But this time, things were different.

I snapped my head up, a knock on the door. I drew in a deep breath, wondering if I would be able to go through with all of this. I had already promised them the world, now I just had to deliver. "Open up," the voice on the other side of the door said. Chibs. I stood up slowly, opening the door for him. He closed it behind him, leaning against it. I assumed my position back on the edge of the tub, staring up at him. "Gemma just called. Andy is fine. Having breakfast with Thomas and Abel," he said, crossing his arms in front of him. I nodded slowly, feeling some sense of relief at hearing that. "It's almost time," he added. I glanced at the watch on my wrist and nodded, staring at the numbers.

"Be careful," he whispered. Wait a minute... was that some genuine emotion? Did he actually care? "You too," I responded, standing up and facing him. I slid the gun into my waistband and faced him. It was like an explosion happened. We both reached for each other, clawing at each other's chest. I grabbed onto his collar, drawing his mouth to mines.

Moments later we parted, both breathless. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, and smoothed my shirt. "I'm ready," I whispered, breathing in deeply. He nodded, clearing his throat and opening the door. I exited the bathroom after him, Jax and company waiting. I slid into an old hoodie, something to make me look normal, slinging my purse over my shoulder. We exited the motel, me climbing into my rackety car, and them into their van.

We took separate routes, me chain smoking during the 30 minute drive to the warehouse. No suspicion had been raised when I asked for some extra work. I was wiling to travel for the extra money, so no one questioned when I said I would do it. I had kept a clean nose all along, no office gossip about me, so no would look twice.

No one looked twice, when I flashed by Stockton I.D., or when I signed in. It was the weekend, so security looked to be pretty lax. One guard in the front when I drove in, one at the main entrance, signing people in and out. I smiled at him, stopping to joke about how expensive kids were. How I ended up here trying to pay off day care tuition.

We joked for a few minutes, and before I knew it was being walked into the main floor, and was showed my work space. I knew the drill, I had done it before- find and load the boxes into the machine, double check the contents, sign-off on them, close the door, and then press the button. Simple enough.

I spent my first 4 hours, bullshitting. Pressing the button whenever someone walked by. I kept my eye on the clock, as the hour hand neared twelve. "You going for lunch?" The guard asked, as I quickly pressed the incineration button. I shook my head, pointing to the locker room where my bag was stored. "I brought some leftovers. Trying to cut costs as much as possible," I said, standing up from my chair. He nodded and motioned to the exit. "A bunch of us are going to go grab some food down the road. Let us know if you need anything," he said before walking away. I gave him a genuine smile, he was a really nice guy.

I watched as he walked away, reaching into my pocket for my phone when he rounded the corner. "Get into position. A bunch of them are leaving to go get lunch," I said, before hanging up. I grabbed my clipboard, flipping through the list of boxes. I had already pinpointed the ones that would be the most fruitful, leaving those for last. I glanced over my shoulder, as I ran to the side door, the one that led to the trash compactor.

I opened the gate that the garbage trucks pulled into, leaving it slightly ajar. Jax had a guy on city council, probably someone he blackmailed, who gave him the specs of the building. I had the in, and Jax had the how. I ran back into the building, beginning to throw boxes onto a nearby flatbed. As I pushed the flatbed towards the door, it opened, Jax, Happy and Chibs walking through it.

I hadn't laid eyes on him since the last time I was in town. I averted his eyes, pushing the flatbed through the doors. "Grab the boxes with the red stickers," I said over my shoulder, meeting Bobby at the truck. "Go!" He said, grabbing the flatbed from me and beginning to load the truck. I ran back into the building, pointing out more boxes to be loaded. I glanced at my watch and curse. "We have 25 minutes before lunch is over. Move!" I said, passing them more boxes.

I ran out to the truck, a box in tow. "Get the truck running. You guys will need to move, fast!" I said to Bobby, handing him the box. He nodded, slinging it into the back and then running to the front of the truck. I breathed a sigh of relief, it was almost over. We had gotten in, and were almost done. We had made it.

As I walked back into the building, everything moved in slow motion. There was the security guard, gun out, pointed at Happy's head. They glanced at each other, standing still with their hands in the air. They hadn't noticed me yet, as I slipped behind the machines and hid myself. I reached into my waistband, pulling out the gun I had stashed there. Here it was, the moment I was sure would eventually come. I was going to dig myself into a deeper hole than I was already in. I stared at the gun, taking off the safety and drawing in a deep breath. I had to save Happy. This time I choose him.

My hands shook slightly, as I crept around the machines and re-appeared behind him. I swore my heart was about to come out of my chest, as I approached him. My ears, blood pumped loudly in them, as I raised my gun. I didn't even feel the kickback of the gun, as I felt his body slump to the ground. There he was, dead at my feet, his blood on my face. I stared at his body wide-eyed. The security guard with the kid he was trying to put through college. Nearby lay a neatly wrapped sandwich.

I couldn't falter now, I told myself. I had to survive this, someway, somehow. The watch on my wrist beeped, notifying me I had 5 minutes before the lunch hour was up. "Load him into the machine," I whispered, picking up my gun. Jax appeared at my side, taking the gun from my hand. I wiped my face, walking over to the desk and picking up my clipboard. I sat back down at my stool, and signed-off on the boxes loaded onto the truck. Picturing Happy's eyes starting at me. As if nothing happened.

I watched as they placed him the machine, removing his wallet, cellphone, keys, and gun. I was the one that slid the door shut, and pushed the button, as SAMCRO made their escape. I watched in the little window, as the flames consumed him. As he burned until nothing but ashes was left. When the room cooled down, I was the one that swept him up and poured him into the garbage can. I threw garbage on top of him, to hide my crime. And then I sat back down at my desk, and stared at my clipboard. Checking off boxes that didn't even matter. I had just killed a man that mattered.

* * *

><p>I can't even express the stillness that filled me. The dark, heavy heart I carried that day, as I picked my son up from Gemma's. There I stood, in her perfect kitchen, a fake smile plastered on my face. I hugged Andy tight that night, needing to be reassured that there was some good still in my life. And as I laid him down to sleep, I drew in his smell, that sweet baby smell. There was some good in my life, it just wasn't me.<p>

I sat on the back porch, a joint in one hand, a bottle of whiskey in another. I needed to stop the waves going on in my head. I needed to not remember today. "It will get easier," he said, appearing out of the darkness. Jax walked onto my porch, sitting down on the chair beside me. "I'm sure it will," I said, realizing that in the last 3 months, I had already killed 2 men. "I seem to be on a roll," I added, taking a long drag.

"Thank you for what you did today. The club appreciates it," he said. I scoffed, staring out into the darkness. Really, the club appreciates it?! Oh geez, if I had known that I would've killed someone for you a long time ago. I nodded, needing this night to be over already. "Give him time, he'll weaken. He's just hurting right now," he whispered. I sat still, my heart pumping fast. "He'll never love me again," I whispered back, biting my bottom lip.

Jax stood up and walked down the porch step. My mind was already hazy from the weed. "He doesn't need to know. It's none of my business. I can bite my tongue if you ask me to," he said, walking away. But I knew it was all a part of his game, of how we worked. He would keep my secret, until I stopped being useful. "Until you need something from me," I replied, but he was already long gone. I sat out there for a while, my mind coming and going.

When I entered the kitchen, I found Chibs sitting there, in the dark. How long was I out there for? How fucked up am I that I didn't hear him come in? "You can't keep doing this. Coming and going how you please," I said, the liquor and weed giving me courage. "I'm done playing this game. You can't just take when you want." Yeah, right! I knew better than that. All he had to do was snap his fingers, and my panties would fall off.

I didn't expect a response from him. I just shuffled through the kitchen, talking to myself as I grabbed a beer from the fridge. "You're such a miserable old fucking man, that you can't muster more than 7 words to me. 7 God damn words! Is that all that I am worth to you?" By this time, I was ranting and raving. I was on a roll and wasn't anywhere near stopping. I sat down at the table, slamming my beer on it.

"Just tell me if I have any chance, would you? Either fucking love me or stop fucking me! I cannot keep doing this, hanging on to your every move. Never knowing where the fuck I stand with you," I barked. He continued to stare at me, which only pissed me off more. It was like talking to a brick wall. I don't know at which point I began to cry quietly, tears streaming down my face. This was not the look I was going for. I was aiming for drunk and strong, not belligerent and crying. "My life is on hold. Never settling down long enough to forget you. I need to just... just be happy, " I yelled, slamming my hand down on the table.

As the silence set in heavier, my head was already beginning to thump with the migraine that was sure to rear it's ugly head any time now. I put my head down on the table and closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down. Why did I do this to myself? Why was he this all consuming piece of my life? I was begging him to let me go. I was tired of everything. At this very moment, the hurt I felt from breaking things off with Happy was turning into joy. I could not expose him any longer to the feeling I was currently wrapped up in.

I lifted my head up, wiping my tears away. "Get out," I stammered, embarrassed at myself. How could I act this way? I was here trying to prove myself, not pity him into getting back with me. "Get out," I repeated, standing up from the table and pointing to the door. He nodded, standing up and walking towards the living room. I watched him walk and then stop, his shoulders dropping. "Are you saying that you don't want me?" He whispered, his hand gripping the doorway.

"Not like this I don't," I whispered, my voice even, my body shaking. I would be okay if you turned around and held me, if you told me you loved me, but you had to give me a little fight. "I know this isn't easy, Jessie. I just can't... I can't let you back in," he whispered back. I heard him draw in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I knew it was killing him to even show this much emotion towards me.

I stood tall, crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm not asking you to let me back in. I am begging you to either let me go or to love me. I know I left you when you needed me the most. I gave up on us, but I am back now, and I am not going anywhere. You either need to accept that or let me move on with my life." But wasn't that all the same thing? Didn't I want him to acknowledge my existence, to make love to me, to make us a home again? I still wanted it all, but only if he wanted me too.

I heard him draw in another deep breath, his back still facing me. "I could never let you go, you are a part of me, you belong to me. But I could never... You took from me... something that I didn't know I had. I trusted you. I close my eyes, and all I picture, all I feel is coming home to another empty house. To feeling alone again." My breath caught in my throat as I heard his voice. I hurt him, in ways that I didn't know. We couldn't come back from this.

I watched him walk out of the house, the silence deafening. I stood there in that very same spot for what felt like forever, the front door wide open, as if waiting for him to come back. There I was, waiting. For once, I understood what he felt all that time. He was waiting for me to come back to him, and I didn't.


	11. The Other Shoe

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Eleven**: The Other Shoe

I couldn't do this anymore, the back and forth. The juggling of two men. I groaned, finding Happy sitting at the edge of my bed, my head reeling from the amount of alcohol I had ingested last night. I couldn't rehash the event again, the one I was trying so hard to forget. I sat up, watching him carefully, as he hung his shoulders.

"Thank you," he whispered, glancing over at me. Thank you? You deserve that and so much more. I would catch you every time if I could. He didn't even need to ask. We hadn't spoken since that day on the cliff, the tension between us thick whenever we found ourselves alone in the same room. I leaned against the headboard, watching him.

"I miss you," he said. And I love you, I wanted to say back. And I knew better than to respond, knowing that it would lead to us ending up in bed together. And even if it didn't, a proclamation of our love would only lead him to being back on a string. I stood strong, not saying anything, afraid to move a muscle.

I was letting him go, even if it killed me on the inside, because I knew the pain he was in. Never knowing where he stood. I asked Chibs to let me go, because I didn't want to suffer anymore. I needed to do the same to Happy. And so I sat still, and watched him, my mouth stiff from stifling a cry. A few moments later, after sitting in silence for a while, he got up and walked out of the room. When I heard the front door close, I released a cry, tears streaming down my face. I laid back down in the bed, exhausted, wrapping the comforter around me until I could barely breathe.

* * *

><p>I felt a stillness in me, the events of the warehouse and breaking things off with Happy, had grounded me. I was back in reality now, and everything seemed bleak. I didn't feel like talking anymore, I barely felt any emotion. I was just... existing. I was alone, no Happy, no Chibs. All I had was Andy to keep me company, to keep me on track. I had nothing more to lose, except him.<p>

I pulled open the warehouse door, entering the dim building. It was some building off the grid that Jax was using to store the stolen goods. I nodded to the men on guard, new faces, as I worked my way to the middle of the warehouse. I found Jax sitting on a crate, zipping up a large duffel bag. He looked up and smiled at me. "Hey," I said, climbing on to the crate next to him. "How are things?" He asked. I shrugged, lighting a cigarette. "I haven't seen you around lately, but I have been seeing more of your boys," he said, pushing the duffel bag towards me. I sighed softly, slouching my shoulders. "I gave them both up, Jax," I whispered. "It was time."

Jax whistled, shaking his head. "That explains the shitty mood they are both in. Happy is... well trigger happy, and all Chibs does all day is grunt," he said. I shrugged, jumping down from the crate and grabbing the duffel bag. I slung it over my shoulder and turned towards him. "I'm going to tell him, the truth, soon. I won't tell him about Happy, but he needs to know everything, Jax," I said. He watched me, running a hand over his beard. "All of it? Including my part?"

I paused, cocking my head to the side, as I thought about it. What good would it do to bring more people into my web of lies. "If you hadn't cornered me that night, almost kicked the shit out of me, I wouldn't have left," I said. "I would've kept this entire thing going. I probably wouldn't have had Andy." I paused, glancing at him. "I won't say anything about your part. You kept my secret this entire time. Only way to save them both from each other to keep that body buried." He nodded, walking with me through the warehouse. When we reached the exit, he patted me gently on my shoulder. "Take care of them, will ya?" I asked, worried that they would be too distracted with everything, to remember to stay alive. "Always," he said, disappearing back into the warehouse.

* * *

><p>Half a bottle in, my mind was reeling. I watched as he sat down across the table, folding his hands in front of him. He barely spoke to me anymore. When we ran into each other in the street, he wouldn't even look at me. He would grunt, clearly still pissed at me. I can only assume he was pissed at my leaving, and even more pissed at the fact that I rejected him. If only he knew, how it was killing me to do so. "You wanted to talk?" He asked, his words strained. This is why I chose a neutral place, the local bar. I sat in the dark corner, where the shadows would hide the tears that were sure to come.<p>

I filled my glass again, but found him pulling it away from me. "I think you've had enough," he said. I scoffed and glared at him. "Of what? The silence? You ignoring me?" I spat out. I knew I was a drink or two away from being belligerent, as I lit my cigarette and glared at him angrily. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe I should've met him somewhere else. Somewhere where the yelling won't be noticed or heard.

He got up from his chair and slid into the booth I was currently sitting in, a hand finding it's way to my thigh. I gasped, as his fingers dug into my thigh. "You're lucky I haven't run you out of town yet. This is as cordial as I get, sweetheart. I'm getting a little tired of all of your dramatics," he whispered into my ear. He let go of me and breathed in deeply. I grabbed onto the table and took a few moments to get my shit together, mostly to let the blood flow return to my thigh. I turned towards him, realizing that if he was this pissed because I left him, what would he do when I told him the truth. I deserved this and so much more.

I lifted my hand to his face, pushing back a strand of his hair. He softened his face, as I caressed his cheek. There he was, the man I loved. I saw a quick glimpse of him, before the fights, before the hate. I would soon not be able to get him back. I knew what I was risking, but I need to do it. "Chibs..."I began to say, when he took my hand in his and held it to his cheek. It was enough to melt my heart. This man... was going to kill me. I drew in a slow breath, not wanting to ruin the small moment, trying to stall as much as possible.

"Andy is yours," I whispered, my voice wavering. I closed my eyes, tears spilling out of the corners. I felt him drop my hand and stiffen. I drew in a deep breath and opened my eyes slowly, staring at his enraged face. He opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again, closing his eyes and shaking his head. He slid out of the booth abruptly and walked out of the bar. The door swung wildly behind him, the few people in the bar staring after him.

I threw some money on the table and ran after him, needing to finish what I started. I found him outside, pacing behind the bar. I had gone this far, I couldn't stop now. I needed to rip it off like a band-aid. There I stood, my purse sliding down my arm and hitting the ground at my feet. Me, on the verge of hyperventilating as I babbled and cried at the same time. "I know it was stupid to not tell you. I was so scared. I thought you wouldn't want us and I couldn't look at you any longer and not tell you the truth. I didn't know I was pregnant when I left, until it was too late. I fucked everything up," I cried.

Chibs stood there, staring at me wide-eyed. He walked over to me and grabbed my arm, shaking me. "And now I'm the lucky bastard, huh? You come back to town with a kid in tow. Expect me to forgive you? Love you? You stupid child," he yelled at me. I pushed him off of me, wiping the tears from my eyes. "No. I don't care what you do to me. I just want him to know his father," I replied.

He shook his head, balling his hands into fists and bringing them to his face. "I am not his father," he whispered. I froze, my heart thumping loudly in my ears. "I am not his father!" He yelled, standing up and facing me. "You took him away from me. You ran away like a coward. I am not his father, because you didn't give me a chance to be one!" He had every right to be upset at me. To wish me dead. "How could you? How could you leave me? Lie about everything? Lie about a child? TWO YEARS! You had two years to say something, say anything."

Chibs turned away from me, I'm sure he was grabbing the bridge of his nose. I could hear him breathing deeply, the night quiet around us. "Why did you leave?" He asked, quietly. My mouth opened and closed, trying to formulate an answer that wouldn't put the last nail in the coffin that was our nonexistent relationship. "I needed a break. I needed to figure out..." He held a hand up. It seemed like time was standing still. This was my personal hell. This man was judge, jury, and executioner right now.

"Don't give me the bullshit line that we were on the rocks. You could've broken up with me, kicked me out of the house. You did it plenty of times before. You didn't need to run away. What was the real reason?" He asked. What did I care how he viewed me at this point? I'm sure he hated me. All I cared about was protecting Happy, keeping Jax out of the mix, and above all, keeping Andy safe. "Yes, we were on the rocks. I wasn't happy really, more bitter and resentful if anything. There was someone else..."

He turned back to me, his eyes wild. "Someone else?" He asked, pointing at me accusingly. I nodded, hanging my head in shame. "I couldn't risk you finding out about him, killing him," I whispered. Chibs stepped over to me, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him. "No, you don't get to hide from this," he said, face dead straight. "You will look me in the eye and tell me how you had another man in my house. My bed!" I stood up straight and faced him, wiping the tears from my eyes. "I... ran to spare him. I didn't know I was pregnant when I left."

"How do you know Andy is mine?" He asked, releasing a sigh. "I was too far along when I got to Nevada. He could only be yours," I responded. Chibs nodded, looking up at the sky. He was uncomfortable in his own skin right now. "You love him?" He asked quietly, his voice breaking. The silence settled in between us, as I leaned against the bar's outer brick wall. I nodded slowly, my insides feeling like they were tearing apart. "I also love you, more than you'll ever know. I spared the both of you the guilt and the betrayal."

"How can you stand there and say that you love me? That you spared me? When all you have done is spew lie after lie to me and everyone around us!" He was back to being angry at this point. I nodded, the tears resurfacing again, as I took in his red rimmed eyes. "It's simple, you see. I can't just stop. It's been 2 years, and you are still on my mind. I look at Andy, and all I see is you! I go to sleep, and I see you. I come back to town and everything gets complicated again! I am lost, drowning without you!" Chibs scoffed and then laughed.

"No! No! You just don't get to come strolling back into town and be happy. Have it all your way again! And your son... your son doesn't have a father," he said, his last word soft and sad. I jumped at him, grabbing him by the collar. "Our son, will have a father. He shouldn't be a bastard like you. You can hate me if you want to, but I won't let you punish him for my mistakes. I won't let you leave him like Kerriane," I barked at him. Time slowed down, as he stared into my eyes, his jaw slack as he processed my words.

He pulled away from me, shoving me into the brick wall. I know I had hit a soft spot. I knew that he secretly hated himself for leaving Kerriane behind, his only child, to be raised by another man. "Go. You said to say the words, so now I am saying it. Pack your shit up," he said, grabbing my purse from the floor and throwing it at me. "And get the fuck out of Charming." I stared at him, my eyes wide, not believing his words.

Chibs grabbed my face, digging his fingers into my skin, drawing my face closer to his. "I won't hit a woman, but I want you to know that it's not for lack of want. Go!" He yelled, before pushing me away again. "Go be with him," he snarled. I stood frozen, as he walked away from me. I stood in that dark alley, frozen in shock, not believing what just happened.


	12. Counsel

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twelve**: Counsel

I willed him to come storming through that door, the only sound in the house was the clock on the wall ticking loudly, as I sat in the darkness of my kitchen. How could I be so stupid? To ever think we would be able to get past this. That a miracle would happen, and it would bring us closer. Truth was that I was naive and stupid to think it would. He was right, I was a child.

"How are you feeling?" Wendy said, placing a cup of tea in front of me. Just fucking peachy. I wrapped my cold hands around the hot glass, relishing the burn. I had called her, needing a ride. I was too drunk to drive, and the last time I went walking anywhere by myself, I ended up killing the man that raped me. I shrugged my shoulders, feeling defeated.

She slid into the chair across from me, a cup of tea between her hands also. "I'm... I don't even know," I said, leaning back into my chair. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "He looked so mad. I've never seen him like that before," I said. I was scared shitless, I must admit. I knew he had that side to him, but I never thought it would be directed towards me. Wendy nodded. "I know, I've been there several times with Jax. You just got to give it time," she responded.

"Oh, yeah? You ever cheat on Jax and then run away. Come back to town 2 years later with a kid?" I glanced at her, looking at the years on her face. She had seen better days, but she was a strong woman. "No, but I've gotten strung out and almost killed our son," she replied. You got it Wendy. You win.

"It's such a double standard. They roam wild, and I fall in love with someone else- love, not just sex, and it's the end of the world," I said. I knew either way that what I did was wrong, but I just wanted someone to cut me some slack. Someone to at least pretend to understand me. Wendy cleared her throat and gave me a small smile. "Home is the one thing they can control. Nothing ever goes as planned when they are out there. They live and die on a whim, but home is the one thing that is safe, dependable. You disrupted that," she said. Thanks therapist Wendy. Bitch.

I drew in a deep breath and nodded, standing up from the chair. "I'm gonna go take a nap," I said, walking out of the kitchen. I walked into the dark bedroom, Andy asleep in his bed. I stood at the edge, looking down at him. I could hear Wendy in the kitchen, the water running as she washed dishes. That was a true friend in there, the one that stuck by you no matter how shitty of a person you were.

I knew it was all worth it. That truth needed to be told. He needed to know about Andy. I didn't care if he never spoke to me again, if he tried to harm me. I just wanted Andy to have what I never had- both parents. I sighed, crawling into bed, the shadows dancing on the walls. I pulled the covers up to my chin, the cool sheets enveloping me. And then the tears came, rolling over me like waves.

* * *

><p>I walked through the liquor store, the plastic basket on my arm. I grabbed a bottle of wine off of the shelf, placing it in the basket. It clinked against the other bottles of liquor that filled the basket. I mentally checked it off of my list, it being so short. Liquor. Cigarettes. Microwaveable food.<p>

I jumped and shrieked, as Happy appeared out of nowhere. I drew in a deep breath, placing my hand on my chest. "What the fuck?" I said, walking around him. I didn't want to see him. I couldn't afford another set back in this shitty life of mine. I couldn't afford to regret any of it all. "You didn't tell him about us," he said, following me down the aisle. I stopped short, him bumping into my back.

I turned around to face him, my eyebrows drawn together. "What were you expecting? For me to tell him and then run back to you?" I was angry. I wasn't sure why, but I was pissed at the world. I had done this to myself, but I wanted everyone to be as miserable as I was. "He came up to me and asked me about Andy. Imagine my surprise when that conversation went very differently than what I pictured. He said me and you were good friends. Asked if I knew the guy you were banging," he said.

"That would be like pushing the knife in his back deeper and twisting it a few times for good measure. I decided to omit that little lie," I said, my face straight. "A lie of omission, is still a lie," he responded. I cocked my head to the side and glanced at him. "A lie would make no sense, unless the truth was dangerous," I countered, before turning on my heel and continuing down the aisle. I felt his presence behind me, as he followed me in silence.

As I grabbed the last bottle I needed, I sighed. "I got my dad's pickup truck up and running again. I think I'm gonna take Andy back down to Nevada again, just for a little while. Cash in some of those vacation days," I said, walking towards cash register. "You can't run away from everything. If you do that, if you don't fight to get everything resolved, then it was all for nothing," he said.

You're right, it might have all been for nothing. Chibs could never forgive me, and he could run me out of town. Andy could grow up to hate me for never giving him a family. And you could be the biggest sacrifice I have ever made. "It wasn't all for nothing, Hap. At least he knows about Andy. At least I acknowledged that I love another man. At least you know how far I am willing to go for all of us," I said, placing my basket on the counter.

"If you leave, I'll follow you," I heard him say. I scoffed, shaking my head. "Always the loyal dog,"I responded, handing my debit card to the cashier. I turned to him, pulling my sunglasses off and facing him. "You will not follow me, because I don't want you to. I already cut you free, Hap. Take it and run! All the men in my life get sucked into the blackhole that is my existence. I do not want to see you get hurt."

I grabbed the bag from the cashier and slid my sunglasses back on, throwing Happy a small smile. I didn't want to be such a hardass, but I needed to do so. The idea of him running off with me excited me too much. I needed to stand strong if I was actually going to put distance between me and him. But I would've killed to ride off into the sunset with him. Killed.

* * *

><p>I pushed the fallen leaves off of my father's headstone, placing fresh flowers in the stone vase. From the corner of my eye, I could see Jax making his towards me. This had become our usual place to meet and for me to hand over the acquired product. I no longer felt comfortable at the club house or the warehouse. Chibs made it clear he no longer wanted me in Charming. I was afraid what he would do if we crossed paths.<p>

"You're a hard woman to find," he said, hugging me gently. I laughed, lord knows I was trying hide out from everyone. "I needed a time out to say the least," I said, smiling at him. I drew in a deep breath and waited for it, knowing that he must have something say about it all. "He spoke to me about it. Asked for some advice," he said. I nodded, knowing that they must be as thick as thieves by now.

"And did you council him, counsel?" I said, leaning against Johnny's headstone. He nodded, lighting a cigarette. "I explained to him, that children are the only anchors we have in this world. Only thing keeping us coming back home every night. I think that he took my situation into consideration, and he's thinking about it. Just give him time," he said. I exhaled slowly, staring off into the distance.

"Thanks, for talking to him. For... everything," I said, realizing that Jax might be one of the few friends I had left in Charming. "No, thank you," he said, holding out his hand. I reached into my waistband and pulled out the bundle, sliding it to him. "Happy says you're leaving," he said, the bundle disappearing inside his cut. I shook my head, scratching my head. "Not leaving, just taking a break," I responded.

"He also came seeking some advice. Wanted to know what he should do," he said. I raised an eyebrow, glancing over at him. "And you said..?" Jax laughed, flicking his cigarette away. "I said to let it all play out. To be patient." I nodded along, thinking of the different ways this could play out. All of them involved me being extremely lucky.


	13. Overload

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirteen**: Overload

I leaned against the front door, watching him walk up the driveway. We hadn't spoken since I told him about Andy, I'm sure he was too busy plotting my death, while I was too buy hiding from him. The text message was vague- a simple "can I see him?" popped up on my screen. I could never say no. I could never deny him his child. So I agreed, cleaned the house and slapped together a small dinner. Chibs stepped into the house, nodding towards me, his eyes avoiding mine.

I motioned to the couch, which he sat down on. "I'll go grab him," I said, walking into my bedroom and picking him up off the bed. I carried him back to the living room, all of it feeling surreal. I measured every move I made, feeling like as if I said or did something wrong, I would wake up from this dream. This had to be a dream, right? How else could he be here, not strangling me, and asking to see his child.

I passed Andy to Chibs, who sat him down on his lap. I stood in the kitchen doorway, watching them quietly. How Chibs stared at him, studying his every feature. How Andy reached over and pulled on his mustache. I watched as Andy laughed, Chibs' beard tickling his face, as he hugged him. It did the same to me, or at least it used to.

I walked back onto the porch, a strong drink in tow, cigarette between my lips. I was happy on the inside, Chibs finally knew most of the truth. Yes, he still wouldn't look at me, averting his eyes whenever I tried to meet his. Sacrifice. I had made some already, I was prepared to give up more if need be. I sat in the dark, wondering where this would end, if it ever would. I was stuck in a never ending circle. Happy. Chibs. I no longer needed to choose, I had given them both up. I was officially alone.

"He's down," Chibs said, appearing behind me in the doorway. How long was I out here? "Thank you for coming to see him," I whispered, passing him my drink. He took the cup from my hand and took a sip, sliding down the wall and sitting down on the porch floor. "He's my son," he responded, lighting a cigarette. "That he is," I said, kicking my feet up on the railing. "Tell me about him." Those words evoked such happiness in me. How I had longed to hear them, him call Andy his son. I couldn't help but smile in the darkness.

I shrugged, staring out into the darkness that filled the backyard. "He's your son. Barely talks, only does when he needs to. He always looks like he's in deep thought, always giving his full attention to whatever he's doing. Hates anything sweet, prefers savory things. He's a creature of the night, never sleeps more than 6 hours and only when it's way past my bed time. Prefers cars to teddy bears, but always needs one to sleep," I rambled.

We sat in silence, letting everything sink in. "What's his full name?" He asked. I realized that he really didn't know his child. A few days ago he was entrusted with the privilege of having one, not even knowing that 2 years had already gone by. This child had already developed a personality and memories- none of which he was a part of. "Andrew Finley," I answered. "Andy boy," he said to himself.

I laughed, thinking about the nickname he had for Jax- Jackie Boy. We sat in silence for a while, me afraid to move and jinx it all. I finally drew in a deep breath and gathered my courage. "I made dinner, if you're hungry," I said, standing up and turning to face him. He nodded slowly, standing up and facing me also. We glanced at each other, neither one knowing what to say or how to move on with our night. Chibs placed a soft kiss on the top of my head, before pulling away from me. "Thank you for bringing him back to me and for not leaving again," he whispered, before disappearing inside the house.

I waited a beat, before following him inside, not letting myself get too excited about the small progress we had just made. I began to set the table, pulling the food out of the warm oven. I stood behind him, helping him remove his cut and gun holster, setting it aside. Just like old times. I slid into my chair, watching him as he washed his hands at the kitchen sink. Moments later, he sat down across from me, his sleeves pushed up around his elbows.

"Where do we go from here?" He asked, serving himself food. I shrugged, not really knowing a good answer to that question. "I don't know. I guess... you can see him whenever you want to. He's a really easy going kid," I said. I watched him hesitate, before looking up at me. "Stay, don't leave," he said. I held my breath, nodding.

"I made that mistake once, Chibs. I won't be making it ever again," I responded, serving myself food. I filled our glasses with water, as we ate in silence. For once, the silence between us was just that, silence. I didn't feel the usual heaviness that it came with, the deafening silence. When we finished eating, we sat across from each other, waiting for the other say something, our empty plates between us. But what could be said? Oh, I know. More groveling on my part.

"I'm sorry, Filip. I could spend the next 100 years apologizing and trying to make up for everything, but I can't. I can only try to make the right here and now better, easier for everyone else involved," I said. He stretched his neck out, I could hear the cracking bouncing off of the walls. "What about him?" He asked. My eyes snapped up and met his. "What about him?"

He shrugged, placing his hands on the table. "Just... tell me..." he started to say. "Tell you what? That I love you? Love him? I do, all of the above. I can't lie about that. I wouldn't have risked my family for just anybody, Chibs," I said. He closed his eyes and shook his head, his fingers grasping at the table. "I wasn't trying to hurt you, or get even with you, but I understand the pain you feel. I felt it for 2 years, every time you didn't come home, or whenever you went on the road. Neither one of us is perfect."

He nodded, opening his eyes, and running a hand over his face. Did he really understand, or was he just giving in and giving up? "I want to get to know him, spend more time with him," he said. "Okay," I responded, standing up from the table. I walked to the back door, grabbing a set of keys from the hook next to it. I placed it on the table in front of him, tapping my fingers on them. "You're an authorized pick-up person for him at day care. You'll be able to sign him out." I slid the keys closer to him, pulling my fingers away. "I'm usually at work until 5pm. These will get you into the house while I'm away," I whispered.

Chibs nodded, his fingers sliding around the keys. He stood up grabbing his belongings from behind the chair. He slid into his cut, sliding the keys into the front pocket of his jeans. "I'll see you," he whispered, disappearing into the living room. I nodded, turning back to the table and picking up the dirty dishes. As I walked them to the sink, I heard his footsteps behind me. I dropped the slowly into the sink, turning around to meet him.

He walked over to me, his rough hands wrapping around my face, drawing me to him. Chibs placed a long kiss on my forehead, before parting. I stared up at him, a small smile on his face. Progress. I nodded, not needing to say anything to him, as he walked out of the house. I waited until the rumble was far away to let out a long breath. To smile.

* * *

><p>I usually never saw him, but I knew he had been in the house. I could smell him on my sheets, on the couch, the lingering cigarette smoke on the back porch. Chibs would usually pick him up around lunch time, bring him to the house, and they would have lunch together. I assume they napped together also, the sheets always rumpled when I get home. And then he's back at day care in time for me to pick him up. He was still avoiding me, but the more time he spent with Andy the nicer he was to me.<p>

I was slightly surprised when I got to daycare that day and the teacher told me he wasn't there. I wasn't really worried, I knew he was safe, but I was still a little thrown off. Chibs was a man of habit after all. I pulled up to the house, and let out a sigh of relief as I found the beat up sedan the guys shared in the driveway, a used car seat in the back seat.

I entered the house, throwing my purse on the couch and kicking off my shoes. His boots in the corner by the door. I unbuttoned my blazer, dropping it on the back of the couch, walking towards the bedroom. There they were, passed out on the bed. I stood watching them, both on their backs, snoring. Both of them clad only clad in jeans and socks. I reached for my phone, snapping a quick picture of both of them. I wanted to remember this moment forever.

It had been weeks since I had given Chibs his own set of keys, and he was clearly making himself comfortable. I sighed, walking towards the front of the bed, and picking up his clothes from the floor. Every time I came home, I managed to find some piece of clothing he had left behind. By now, I had assigned him a plastic laundry basket at the foot of the bed and a hanger in the closet.

I picked it up, walking into the small laundry room in the back of the house. I dumped his clothes in, turning washing machine on, while I shoved wet clothes from the previous load into the dryer. I pushed myself up on the washing machine, my pencil skirt cutting off all circulation, the humming and noise comforting me. I kept picturing them in the bed, the perfect vision of happiness. I wondered how long it would last, until the next issue came up. Until the next time I did something stupid. I kept imagining how we would celebrate his birthday, Christmas, all of these exciting and yet scary situations when I would realize I felt like an outsider now.

A tapping on the wall, snapped me out of my daze. I snap my head up, finding Chibs standing in the doorway. "I can't find my shirt," he said, rubbing his chest, his voice thick with sleep. "It's in the wash. There's another one in the closet," I said, leaning back on the machine. He nodded disappearing back into the bedroom. I could hear him rummaging around in the closet.

He appeared moments later, buttoning up another one of his black button-ups. "He said he was tired, didn't want to go back to day care. So I let him sleep," he said. I nodded, staring at the wall in front of me. "He had a rough night, kept having bad dreams," I replied. He leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms. "Anything I could do?" He asked. I shrugged and hopped off the washing machine. "Not much anybody can do. Just hold him and put him back to sleep," I said, walking around him and into the living room.

I began picking up toys and putting them into his toy box, trying to clean up the living room. I could feel Chibs' eyes on me. I turned to face him, crossing my arms over my chest. "Do you want something to eat?" I asked, awkwardly, shifting in my spot. "It's fine, I'm heading over to the club anyway. Just wanted to check in and see if you needed anything before I left."

I need a lot of shit in my life, okay? A man. A maid. A good fuck. A drink at this point. "I'm good." I managed this far without a man in my life, so I was bit out of practice with asking for help. What did men fix anyways? Cars? Plumbing? I shrugged and stared at him. "Money? Food? I want to help," he said. I shook my head and sat down on the couch.

"Money's good right now. Stockton P.D. pays okay, the club money is helping out a lot," I said. I was using the money smart. Found a cash only mechanic to fix the truck. Put the rest in my father's safety deposit box. I wasn't spending frivolously, I was planning for our future. "Can I be honest?" My entire face perked up as I nodded and waited for him to speak. "You gotta pull yourself away from the club before something happens. You're in very deep at this point."

Ahhhh.. there it was. Part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off, part of me felt endeared by the idea that he actually cared about me and Andy. "I'll support you and Andy 100%," he added. I nodded, thinking about it all. He was showing interest and I couldn't knock him down for it. I couldn't push him away now. "Fine," I simply said, staring up at him.

Chibs nodded, walking into the room and grabbing his cut. He walked back into the living room and slid into it, standing in front of me. Our eyes locked into each other, neither one saying anything. What was there left to say anyways? He avoided me at all costs, and when we did see each other, it was merely a few words that were said. He tapped the couch, before nodding my way and exiting the house.


	14. The Walls are Coming Down

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Fourteen**: The Walls Are Coming Down

I heard the key in the door, and I froze for a slight second. Only one other person had a set of keys. I finished pulling the covers over Andy's sleeping body, placing a pillow on either side of him, so he didn't fall out of my bed. He insisted on sleeping with me tonight, afraid the monsters would come back, the current thunder and lightening scaring him. I turned the light on the nightstand off, grabbing a towel from behind the bedroom door, and walked towards the living room.

I held the towel out to him, his body drenched from the torrential downpour happening outside. Chibs accepted the towel, handing me his cut. I took it, draping it behind the couch, as he kicked off his boots and shed his shirt. I waited for him to step out of his clothes, before grabbing them and throwing them in the hamper. What was he doing here? I questioned silently, as he disappeared into the bedroom, and remerged a few moments later with a towel draped around his waist.

I'm pretty sure my mouth dropped open as my eyes went wide. It had been weeks since anyone touched me, and my desperation levels were extremely high. I brought my hand up to my face, holding my chin up, lost for words. I crossed my legs underneath me, still dressed in my pencil skirt and tank top, afraid that if they were left on their own they might spread unconsciously. That's the number one problem I seemed to be having lately.

I glanced up at him, not sure what to say or do in this situation. Here stood a man, I'm pretty sure, that was naked under that towel. His wet clothes in the hamper. My legs clenched beneath me. I cleared my throat and motioned to the bedroom. "He's already been up once, the thunder keeps scaring the shit out of him," I said, trying to distract myself from the dull ache between my legs.

Chibs nodded walking into the kitchen. I stared after him, my eyes glued to his ass. I could hear him rummaging around the cabinets, I'm sure looking for some liquor. I drew in a deep breath, letting it out slow as I waited for his return. He came back with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses in tow, pushing one my way. I shook my head sternly. My body frozen and stiff.

I had work tomorrow. I couldn't drink if I wanted to get up on time. I need to cut back on the drinking, I'm a borderline alcoholic. I kept repeating these things to myself over and over again, as he poured himself a drink and sat down in the armchair, leaving my glass empty. I knew if I took that first drink, there would be a second, and a third. I knew if I took that drink, I would drink until he either fucked me, or carried me into bed because I was passed out. Something had to give, so I stood strong.

I glanced at the clock, my resolve wavering as I realized how late it was. I couldn't wait him out forever. I cleared my throat and stood up. "I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready for bed," I said, walking past him. As I neared him, he reached out and took my hand, hooking his fingers into mine. I didn't face him, but I stood still, not walking away from him. "What is this? What are we doing?" He asked.

I shrugged. I honestly didn't know anymore. It seemed like we were working towards getting back on the right track, but I didn't know where that track lead. I took a step back and sat down on the edge of the coffee table, my elbows on my knees. "How do you feel about me? Towards me? I want you to be honest, Chibs." I held my breath as I waited for him to answer me, my eyes glued to his face.

He took a drink from his glass, resting it on the arm of the chair he was currently sitting in, before meeting my eyes. I watched him purse his lips briefly before talking. "I am getting sucked back into you. I cannot be around you without wanting to be with you. I hate you for what you did, but the more time I see you with him, the more time you spend in that laundry room washing my clothes, the more it reminds me of what we had. And then of what we could have had. A house, a family, a marriage. You took all of that away from us."

Sure, please don't mince any words. So, to summarize- he hates me, wants to fuck me, but I ruined his life. Gotcha. I nodded, clasping my hands in front of me. "I don't know what to tell you, Chibs. I don't know what it is that you want, but I live in constant fear that something is going to happen to you or that you will walk away from us, and that nothing will be resolved between us," I whispered, staring at my hands. I wrung my fingers together, my nerves getting the best of me.

"I want what is best for him, and right now, that's being able to trust you. Being able to look at you without second guessing myself. Being able to control myself around you," he said. I nodded, realizing he was right. We needed to put Andy first, regardless of if he could stand to look at me or not. I stood up from my perch on the table, when he stood up also. I looked up at him, his face serious, strands of his hair falling onto his face. I reached over and pushed them back, offering him a small smile.

"Say no, and I'll stop. I'll let you have your space," he said. I raised an eyebrow, slightly confused at what was going on. I could've shed tears, that's how happy I was to have him there, wanting to still be a part of my life. I would do anything to keep him around. I nodded, and cleared my throat. That urge between my legs quickened, as I felt myself getting even more attached to him in that moment. "I'm gonna go shower," I mumbled, walking away absentmindedly.

I told myself that the best thing to do was walk away at that point, even if what I really wanted to do was throw myself at him. This entire night proved that we could be friends again, in order to have what we once did. I kept telling myself this as I showered, not trying to read too much into things, just accept them. I just needed to be patient and understanding.

When I walked back into the bedroom, he was under the sheets, Andy nestled into his side. I averted my eyes, not trying to get too used to having him in my bed. I slipped into a nightgown and then climbed into bed, settling down into the pillow. Us on opposite sides, Andy in between us. "Good night," I mumbled, pulling the covers up to my chin. I felt him nod, as he shifted on to his side, one hand nestled in my hair. "See you in the morning," he responded. Lies. All lies, he was gone when I woke up.

* * *

><p>I reached into my pocket and pulled out the flyer. "His family has posted missing flyers all over half of California. Stockton P.D. sent this out to every police related organization in the area. They are interviewing the last people to see him- the employees that were in the warehouse that day," I said, handing him the flyer. Jax took it from my hand and glanced at it.<p>

"This doesn't mean anything. The family just wants to find their loved one," he responded, folding the paper and sliding it into his cut. I hated how he managed to brush everything off, make everything seem a little less important than what it actually was. I cocked an eyebrow at him, feeling somewhat reassured. I knew there was no evidence of the body, I had burnt it to ashes. Jax got rid of all of his personal belongings. "You just need to focus on this interview. You know what they want to hear. Everything was quiet. They went to lunch. One of them didn't make it back. You clocked out and went home. The end."

I nodded, glancing back at him. "After this, Jax. I'm out. I think we've reached the end of the road here," I said. Jax cocked his head to the side, pushing back his hair behind his ears. "What are you talking about? We got a good thing going here. No one suspects you. We made a killing on that warehouse scheme." I nodded and then crossed my arms over my chest. "If one more warehouse employe goes missing, we are screwed. We can't run the same play again," I said.

"Chibs is putting pressure on me. He wants me to go legit. This entire thing with the kid has him prioritizing," I added. He nodded, tugging on his beard. "I'm sure it is," he said. "We're making progress Jax. I can't jeopardize that, he's close to coming back home. He's fully committed to him. Wants to provide for his family." I could see the wheels turning in Jax's head. The loss of this inventory would hurt the club, but was he willing to put what he was building with Chibs at risk? "What do you want to do?" He asked.

I sighed, realizing that I never really thought about it. I was slightly enjoying the thrill, but somehow I had a feeling that things would catch up with me in due time. I don't have much family left in the world, so I needed to secure a future for myself and Andy, even if things were looking up with Chibs. I had seen what happened to the family if a club member died or got locked up. The club couldn't cover everything, they would struggle until something else came up, at the family's expense.

"Wait until something happens and you need money, a way out, or let him make all of the decisions for you?" I shook my head and glanced over at him. "I don't want to give up the income, Jax, but I won't lie to him either. Give me some time to work on him. I need to smooth things out before I can take such a strong stand," I replied. Jax nodded, but I could see it in his eyes that he would've preferred if I took a different approach. After all, it wasn't his life or his family he was toying with.

I watched him closely, realizing that maybe I had underestimated Jax all along. Here he was, trying to manipulate me, play me like a fiddle. He knew my independence was something I cherished, something I would fight for. So why wouldn't he try to help me? Come up with a solution that makes everyone happy? I wasn't too sure if I could trust him anymore. I wasn't too sure what he would do if I tried to breakaway at this point. If I stopped be resourceful.

* * *

><p>Not much had happened in the last couple of weeks, just the usual work and bullshit. I spent my nights at home with Andy, reading to him while Chibs spent what he could during the day with him. He barely spent anytime at day care anymore, but the days he did when Chibs was gone for a day or so, you could notice a change in him. Andy became more quieter than usual, stayed up all night and refused to nap anymore. I noticed it the first time it happened, when he merely sat in his sandbox and kept staring at the door. As if waiting for him to come home. It broke my heart to see him like that, but I knew it was because he loved him too.<p>

I sat on the couch, Andy nestled in my arms as he fell asleep, me trying to watch the news on mute so as not to wake him up. A glass of wine in one hand, the other wrapped around the sleeping child. My eyes were drawn to the television, as a familiar face filled the screen. "Fuck," I muttered, raising the volume on the television. "Family members and local police have organized a search party for the nearby woods surrounding the area where he was last seen. If you would like to volunteer or have any information on the missing man's whereabouts, please contact your local police department."

My heart dropped. This was getting slightly out of control. I knew I had nothing to worry about, but I couldn't help but panic a little. My interview was tomorrow morning over at Stockton P.D. I drew in a deep breath, running my lines again. I had nothing to worry about. There was no evidence. Right?

* * *

><p>I entered the interrogation room, throwing a small smile at the interviewer sitting on the other side of the table. Interviewer, my ass. This man was here trying to catch me in a lie. I drew in a deep breath, sitting down in the chair empty chair. "Good morning, Jessie," he said reaching into his pocket and pulling out an I.D. "My name is Detective Williams, North Nevada P.D.," he said, pushing it towards me. He was showing off. He knew I knew exactly who he was.<p>

I glanced down at the badge and I.D., and nodded. "Nice to meet you," I said, clasping my hands together on my lap. He opened the folder in front of him and pulled out a photo, turning it towards me. "Do you recognize this man?" He asked. Okay, straight to the point. He wants to play hardball. I looked down at the picture, and nodded. "Yes, I met him at the North Nevada warehouse. He's all over the news. He's missing," I said, glancing up at him. "Yes, his name is Eric Wilson."

The detective nodded, putting the picture back into his folder and closing it. "What can you tell us about that day?" He asked, leaning back into his chair. What day? The day I killed him? Or the day I did laundry? "Everything was really normal. He was the guard at the entrance when I got there. We joked around for a bit. Last time I saw him was when he walked past me on his way to lunch," I said. I couldn't get a clear read on this guy, as he jotted down something in his small notepad. What the hell was he writing?

"What were you doing at the warehouse?" He asked. I raised an eyebrow at him. "I was picking up some extra hours. I'm a single mom, I need all the hours I can get. Daycare tuition is expensive." He nodded and continued writing down some more stuff. I drew my eyes to slits and glanced at him. "So you never saw him again after he walked away to lunch?" Yes, I did see him again. Last time I saw him, or what was left of him, was when I shoveled his ass into the garbage can.

I shook my head. "He invited me to lunch, I said no because I had a packed lunch from home. That was the last interaction I had with him." The detective cleared his throat, leaning forward and putting his elbows on the table. "See, he did go to lunch. He bought two cold cut sandwiches. Told the rest of the staff he was headed back to the warehouse to have lunch with you. You must have made quite an impression on him. The man went back to see you." Oh my god. The only reason that guard even came back was because of me. He died because of me.

"We joked for a few minutes when I got to the warehouse. About how expensive daycare was, about me cutting corners to save money, our kids. He was nice to me. I didn't know anybody else there," I said. He nodded, closing his notebook and sliding it into the inside pocket of his jacket. "You were the last person to see that man. Any thoughts? Ideas? What could have possibly happened to him after he left the deli shop?"

I shrugged, and appeared to look concerned. "I don't know. He seemed like a nice guy. He has a family, kids. I hope they find him," I said. Detective Williams nodded and stood up, stretching out a hand towards me. I stood up and shook his hand, smiling at him sadly. I watched as he exited the room, leaving me standing alone in front of the mirror. I kept my face straight, in case anyone was watching, and exited the room after him. I walked normally to the bathroom, closing the bathroom stall door behind me and leaning against it. I looked down at my hands, as they shook, drawing in deep breaths.


	15. The Cold

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Fifteen**: The Cold

I almost died, as I climbed out of my car, the warehouse housing the stolen goods on fire. I ran towards the group of men standing there, all wearing reapers on their backs, watching the warehouse burn. "What happened?" I asked, the flames dancing in my eyes. "Retaliation," one of the said to me, before walking away towards their bikes. I stared after them, in complete shock.

"Did you call Jax? Chibs? Anyone?" I yelled. "Yeah, everyone is on their way. Should be here soon," he said, shaking his head. I glanced at everyone else's face, not believing that Jax would leave the merchandise guarded by anyone other than SAMCRO. "Who else was here with you?" I said, grabbing his arm and pointing to the warehouse. He shrugged. "Happy and some prospects were here guarding the merchandise. We just got here," he said.

My arms went limp, glancing around to see if I saw him. He was nowhere to be found. I turned to face the burning warehouse, my chest rising and falling fast. He was in there, dying. I began to scream his name, running towards the door. One of the men grabbed me, dragging me to the ground. I kicked free, standing up, gasping for air. I turned around and saw SAMCRO running towards me. I ran to Jax, clawing at his shirt. "You gotta help him! He's in there," I screamed. "Who?" He asked, pulling my hands off of him. "Happy!"

Jax pushed away from me, running towards the building, with everyone following him. Chibs glanced at me, as he ran after Jax. "You gotta help him," I yelled at his back faintly, tears streaming down my face. They disappeared inside the burning building for what felt like forever, Bobby holding me tightly, trying to keep me back from it all. It was an unforgettable sight, sound, the loud crackling as the flames danced higher and higher.

When they emerged, I felt like my heart stopped beating, watching as they helped Happy and another guy out from the blazing building. It was just in time, as the roof collapsed. They dropped them on the ground some feet away from the building, before turning back to the warehouse. I ran over to Happy, pulling off some rope that was tied around his wrist, the prospect coughing loudly on the floor.

Happy bent over and coughed, his face covered in soot. I dropped in front of him, wrapping my arms around him. "You're okay," I kept saying over and over again, and he nodded, coughing. When he regained his composure, I helped him stand up, brushing off his cut. By then I was covered with soot and coughing also, the thick smoke surrounding us. "You should go before the police gets here," Happy said, glancing over to Jax.

I looked around us and found Chibs standing in a far off corner, his mouth set in a straight line, staring at us. It was at that moment that I knew he had figured out the truth. Who wouldn't have? I was in hysterics at the thought of Happy dying. I turned back to Happy and nodded. "He knows," I whispered, panic rising in me. Happy looked his way and then back to me. "You should go," he said, more urgency in his voice this time, pushing me towards the car. "What if..." I began to say, but Happy shook his head. "It doesn't matter. You shouldn't be here."

I walked away that night, my heart in my throat. I was more afraid for Happy than myself at this point, but that didn't stop me from speeding home. From double locking the door and closing the curtains that night. That didn't stop me from loading my gun and tucking it into my waistband, as I waited by a chair in front of Andy's bed. But then it occurred to me- he had keys. Should I stay or should I run?

* * *

><p>I couldn't breath. I popped my eyes open, clawing at the hand wrapped around my throat. "Shhhhh..." Chibs shushed me, as he picked me up by the throat and pushed me out of the bedroom. He let go of me, my body sliding to the floor. I coughed, trying to clear my airway, as he closed the bedroom door. "What's this?" He asked, snatching the gun from my waistband. "What were you planning on doing with this? Killing me?" He snarled. "Because you haven't done enough!"<p>

He grabbed me by my hair, and lifted me up from the floor, throwing me on the couch. Chibs sat down on the coffee table, pushing off all of the magazines that were on it and throwing them onto the floor. He reached over and slapped me across the face, placing his elbows on his knees. "My brother!" He roared in my face.

He was drunk. I could smell the liquor on his breath. He ran a shaky hand over his face, breathing heavy. "You fucking loved me. You gave me my first son," he said, his voice shaky, tears coming down his face. I sat frozen, afraid to move or even breath, as I watched him. "My fucking brother!" Chibs cried out. He dropped his head into his hands and began to cry softly. My heart melted watching him in so much pain. I slid to my knees in front of him, covering him with my body. He pushed me away, grabbing me by my neck again.

I nodded, realizing that this was how it was going to end. He would kill me, and then he would vote on Happy's fate. "You're a whore. Just like your mother," he said, spitting on me. I clawed at his hands, wiping away the spit that landed on my face. I began to cry, just wishing it would all end already. Here was this man I loved, that I drove to killing me and hating his friend. I deserved this and so much more. I had broken him.

Chibs turned towards the bedroom and dropped his hands, as if listening. Moments later, I heard it too- Andy's soft cry. I wiped my face, standing up slowly from my position on the floor. "You should take him,"I whispered, taking the gun off his lap. Chibs nodded, standing up and removing his cut. He dropped it, along with his gun holster, on the couch, using his sleeve to wipe his face. I knew that he would never hurt Andy, so I was comforted by him being able to momentarily ignore my actions to take his child, as I leaned against the couch and tried to catch my breath.

I watched as he entered the bedroom, and picked Andy up out of bed. He kissed him on the top of his head and brought him to his chest, snuggling him gently. Chibs climbed into my bed with him, lightly humming. I watched them for a few moments before walking to the kitchen and preparing Andy something to drink. I heard a slight knock on the back door, and peeked out of the window. Happy.

I opened the door slightly, not letting him enter. His fingers reached out and touched my neck gently, the tender skin still stinging from the bruises. "Are you okay?" He asked, his eyes wide and his voice low. I nodded and hung my head. "I'm fine. He's just drunk," I whispered, my fingers skimming my neck. Happy let out a heavy sigh and leaned against the door frame. He reached up and touched my bruised cheek. "Do you need anything? How's Andy?" Happy asked, concern on his face.

"He's fine also," Chibs answered from behind me. I turned and found him standing in the kitchen door way, Andy in his arms. I turned back to Happy and nodded. His eyes locked onto Chibs, reached over and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at me. "Go. I'll call you later," I whispered. Happy shoved his boot in the doorway, not letting me close the door. "Tell me to stay and I will," he whispered, his hand against the door. I looked into his eyes and recognized the determination in them. He would stay and take whatever was coming, if need be. All I had to do was ask. I shook my head and threw him a soft smile.

"It's okay. I'll be fine," I said, signing my own death certificate. I didn't really know if I would be, but all I knew was that he didn't need to see what was going to happen. Happy nodded at me, pulling away from the door, his face straight. I closed the door softly, locking it. I drew in a deep breath before turning around and facing Chibs. He stood there, with Andy in his arms, his face angry.

"What did he want?" He barked, as I walked over to him. I handed him the sippy cup I prepared for Andy, my hand shaking slightly. "Just wanted to make sure everything was okay," I whispered, as he snatched the cup from my hand. I jumped as he took a step back and headed back towards the bedroom. I heard a branch break behind me, and I turned, finding Happy outside of the window. I knew he wouldn't leave me alone with him. He would stay until I was safe. I nodded at him, heading towards the front of the house for my sentencing.


	16. Closing Doors

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Sixteen**: Closing Doors

I sat on the edge of Andy's bed, my hands shaking as I rubbed my thighs. I leaned forward placing my hands on my knees, crying in silence. There I was as pitiful as ever. I was in full hysterics, whispering to myself and everything. What did I normally do in these situations? Run. But hey, isn't that how I got here in the first place? I couldn't believe things had gotten this far.

I heard the toilet flush and I tried to calm myself down, my blood pressure through the roof. I sat on the edge of his bed, staring at a sleeping Andy, as the footsteps got closer. "I don't want him to join SAMCRO," I said, when Chibs walked back in the room, drying his hands on a towel. "And, I think he should travel, see the world outside of Charming." He threw the towel at me and sat down on the bed, unbuttoning his shirt. "I don't want him to get sucked into this life," I whispered.

I felt the ground shift, as I pictured what his life would be like without me. I would miss it all- his first kiss, his first grounding, his first car, everything. Chibs reached out and grabbed my hands, steadying them. "I'm not going to hurt you," he said. I glanced up at him, and looked into his eyes. "If you're going to hurt him, I would rather you do it to me. Whatever punishment he gets, I want it." Chibs shook his head, pulling away from me. He seemed less drunk, more in the present.

"That's not how it works, love," he said. I shook my head and stood up from the bed, walking into the living room. I couldn't imagine Happy paying for my sins, even though they were his also. He didn't deserve that. "How did you figure it out?" I asked, sitting down on the couch and lighting a cigarette. He walked in from the living room, his shirt untucked and unbuttoned. "Your reaction. How you held him. You used to hold me like that once," he responded. Chibs sat down in the arm chair, ran a hand over his face.

"Do you love him? Did you ever love me?" He asked, lighting his own cigarette. "Yes, I love you both. As hard as it is to imagine, I love you both. You are this all consuming love, that is tender and feels natural. He is this fire and passion inside of me that is raw and unforgettable," I said. Chibs kicked his feet up on the coffee table. "I want to hear it. All of it, from beginning to end," he barked. He was begging for punishment.

I shook my head. "Chibs, please..." He stood up, walking into the kitchen. Moments later, he came back with a bottle of vodka and two glasses, slamming them on the table. "I want to here it all, so start, or I'll kill your little lover," he barked, sloshing vodka into the glasses. He pushed one towards me and sat back down on the couch with the other. I watched him as he downed the drink in one gulp, glaring at me.

"It all started with Johnny and his death. I think Happy felt guilty for not being able to protect him, so he needed to do everything in his power to protect me. He started looking out for me because I was falling apart. It was bad- drugs, alcohol, men. He found me one night, the night I first overdosed. Happy helped me get back on my feet, learned to live another day by myself. By that point, me and Happy hadn't happened yet. He was still my best friend, but things were different now. There was this energy between us. This unspoken thought of what if. And then you happened. This caring, thoughtful, and soulful man walked into my life, and I felt loved. I felt complete.

Things were good for a while. We had a home, a happy life, and then one day we didn't. You wouldn't come home, you barely talked to me, and when you did, I could smell them on you. He was actually the first one to notice I was pregnant. He could tell the difference; said I was more loving and alive. And I felt it too, a change inside me. And you didn't notice, the change or the miscarriage, but he did. I felt hollow, numb and alone. I had lost a child and you. But I had Happy, all along, he was there. It started off so simple, late night talks, stolen glances. I don't even remember how it happened, but it did. First, the backseat of my car. His house. Stolen moments in dark alleys in town. And the more time you spent away from home, the braver we got.

It hurt a lot, to make that decision. Stay, lie to your face, and risk Happy's life, or leave and spare you both. So I left, I made that choice. I chose to be alone, risking the sobriety I had worked so hard to achieve. And when I finally settled down in Nevada, I found out I was two and a half months along, so I knew the baby was yours. So I stayed away. I built my life, raised a child, all on my own, but I never forgot. I couldn't, I had a constant reminder following me around of the life I once had."

I let the silence fill the void between us again, pouring myself another drink, the first one gone. I swallowed it down fast, as if trying to gather life from it. I looked up and found his head in his hands. I began to cry. That deep, soulful cry that came from the bottom of your stomach, gasping for air. I experienced a release, that lie I had been carrying around for years, dragging me down. There it was, out in the open now.

Chibs lifted his head up, pushing back the loose strands of hair behind his ears. He watched me as I lost my shit, sitting there crying uncontrollably. He should be the one falling apart. I did this to him, and yet, he sat there and watched me quietly. When I had finally calmed down, he moved, placing his glass on the coffee table. "I hate you," he said, his eyes never leaving mine.

I felt like I had gotten punched in the stomach, my breath hitching in my throat. "I hate you, more than you'll ever know. And if it wasn't for that little boy in that room, because he would miss his mother, I would kill you. I would make you hurt the same way you hurt me," he whispered. I knew he was being 100% honest, I knew he would do it. I sighed, wiping the tears off of my face. "I need you to promise me..."

"Promise you what? How dare you ask me for anything!" He yelled. I shook my head, standing up and facing him. I dropped in front of him, on my knees. I grasped at his thighs, staring up at him. "Please, don't hurt Happy. I'll do whatever you want. If you ever loved me, if we'll ever have a future together. Please don't hurt him. It will kill me," I whispered. I couldn't believe I was on my knees, begging him. I should've known this is how it would all end. Me begging for forgiveness.

He stood up, pushing me away from him. Chibs grabbed his cut from behind the couch, slipping into it. "You'll never have me, not the same way you used to. I don't want to see you any more. I'll pick him up and take him to my place from now on. I want distance between me and you. You don't deserve to have a family, you don't know anything about having one. You don't know what it means to be loyal. Stay away from me," he said, walking to the door. I watched as he walked out, the front door wide open in his absence. I sat there on the floor, for what felt like forever, watching and waiting.

* * *

><p>There we were, back at the cemetery, but this time Happy was with us. "You didn't say anything about my part in this," Jax said to me. I nodded, glancing over to Happy. "No, I didn't. I needed to make sure that you stayed in his good graces, in case he wanted some revenge," I said, motioning to Happy. Happy stood before us, his face bruised beneath his dark sunglasses.<p>

Jax shrugged and held his hands up. "I couldn't do anything about that, except not let Chibs kill him. The man deserved to air his grievances," he said. I ran a hand over my face. At least he didn't kill him, didn't get the table to vote. "I'm fine. I deserved it, I can take it," Happy said. I stopped myself from running over to him and caressing his face gently.

I shook my head softly and turned to Jax. "Just try to keep him calm until I come up with something else," I said. Jax shrugged again, and began to walk back to his bike. "What exactly did you expect to happen? You won't be able to make him forget this entire thing," he said, grabbing his helmet and putting it on. He nodded at us before taking off. I turned back towards Happy, who in fact did not look happy right now.

"You need to stop. I can take care of myself," he said. I pointed at his face and scowled. "Is that how you take care of yourself? He could've killed you!" I said. Happy shook his head. "I had to sit there and take it! I could've fought back, but that wouldn't have helped either one of us. That's not how things work!" He drew in a deep breath and began to walk towards his bike also.

Happy turned on his heel and turned to face me again. "I have the sneaking suspicion that you think I can't protect myself or you and Andy. Just because he's Vice President doesn't mean anything. I am more than capable of handling myself. He told me about you begging him to not hurt me. It was humiliating to hear that you were on your knees begging him. Just stay out of it from now on," he said. I stared at him, frozen. It seemed like all I did lately was watch the men in my life walk away.

I dropped the duffel bag by the door, watching Andy run wild around the apartment. I walked around, running my hand across the different surfaces. "This is it," Chibs said, motioning to his small, one bedroom apartment. I drew in a deep breath, realizing that this was his life now. It still smelled the same, faint cigarette smoke and cologne in the air. There was no hint of me or our old life together in his new apartment. I nodded, turning back to Andy.

I reached down and picked him up, giving him a kiss on the cheek and hugging him tightly. Chibs wanted to spend the night with him, all part of this new co-parenting mission we were on. He wanted to spend as much time with him, trying to make up for lost time. I placed him back down and watched him disappear down the hallway. "I packed lots of toys for him, and some snacks," I said, motioning to the bag.

Chibs nodded, leaning against the doorway. I walked towards the door, standing in front of him. "I'll have my phone on me, in case you need anything or if you need to go handle club business," I added, standing inches away from him. "Are you going to see him tonight?" He asked, his eyes meeting mine. I nodded, fidgeting in my shoes. What did I do or say? Lie to him? We hadn't really discussed me and Happy since the night I told him everything.

"I'm going to reach out to him, see if I can track him down. He hasn't been very responsive lately, since your visit," I whispered. Chibs drew in a deep breath, pushing back strands of his hair that had fallen into his face. "I had to do it," he responded. Yes, macho man. "I know," I said, nodding sadly. Chibs cleared his throat and shifted positions. I want you to know that I'm seeing someone. I have been for a while," he said. I felt like the world just stopped spinning and time slowed down as I processed what he said.

"Okay," I managed to stammer out, my heart skipping a beat. I wasn't stupid, I knew he would see other people. Hell, I had done the same thing, but the way he said it seemed final. Like there was no room for me right now, because he had someone else. He had a whole other life without me now. He was only doing the same thing I had done. Karma really was a bitch. I nodded, zipping up my jacket, and taking a step towards the door. "Call if you need anything," I threw over my shoulder as I made my escape, my heart about to jump out of my throat.


	17. Moving On

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Seventeen**: Moving On

It wasn't hard to track him down. He wasn't at my house or the local bar. A quick drive by the clubhouse told me he wasn't there either. I pulled up to his house, finding the driveway full of cars. I could hear loud music blasting from inside the house, as I climbed out of my car and made my way towards the front door.

I didn't bother to knock, just let myself in. I felt entitled somehow, and a little pissed off that Happy wasn't returning my calls or texts, or that he didn't invite me to his little party. I found the living room full of people, some half dressed, some half drunk. I walked through the house, not seeing Happy, which meant only one thing.

I stomped towards the bedroom, flinging the door open. There he was, crawling on top of some red haired girl. The music loud, he hadn't noticed me. I walked over, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him off of her. He glanced at me and cocked an eyebrow. "Get lost," I barked at the girl, watching her rearrange her shirt. When she managed to slither out of the room, I slammed the door shut behind her, glaring at him.

"Where the fuck have you been?" I yelled at him, taking my jacket off and throwing it at him. Happy shrugged, staring at the wall behind. "No, don't do this. Don't act like it's not me!" I said, angry at him. Here he was, acting like I was just anybody else, him putting up his strong front. He was shutting me out. I glanced down at him, as he sat on the edge of the bed and smiled back at me. "Did you need something? A warm body?" He asked.

I scoffed, running a hand through my hair and exhaling loudly. "So this is it? We made it this far and you're just walking away now?" I asked, shoving him. He shrugged. "You got what you wanted. Chibs is playing house with you, isn't he? What more could you need from me?" I almost gasped, hearing his response. I laughed. "What do you think me and Chibs are doing exactly? Planning our wedding?"

He stood up to face me, his face as serious as ever. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "I saw what he did to you. How could you let him back in after he hurt you?" He asked, grabbing my face to meet my eyes. "He hurt me way less than I hurt him, and you. He was drunk and getting handsy. What if it were you in his shoes?" I responded, shoving his hand away. "You defend him, in my house!" He yelled.

"And I love you in his!" I responded with. We stared at each other, neither not knowing where to go next. He placed his hand on my waist, his thumb rubbing my skin lightly. "He's with someone else now. He let me go, Happy, and I need to do the same," I whispered, shivering lightly at his touch. Happy nodded, rubbing my cheek gently. I could sense the hesitation in him. "Spend the night," he whispered, tugging at my shirt.

"You still have skank on your breath," I replied, pulling away from him. He chuckled, taking off his cut and throwing it on the bed. He pulled off his shirt, walking into the bathroom attached to his room. I followed after him, finding his jeans on the floor and him standing in the shower. I leaned against the doorway, watching him stand under the water. I cocked my head to the side and studied him, my body itching at the idea of standing still right now.

I pulled off my clothes, dropping them next to his. I pulled my hair into a loose bun at the top of my head, sliding the shower open. I stepped into the warm shower, goosebumps appearing on my skin. Happy drew me closer to him, brushing the loose strands of hair away from my face. I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck, pulling him closer, our skin touching. We began to kiss gently, his hands roaming up and down my back, as I arched towards him, the warm water hitting us.

Happy moved me against the tile wall, his strong body pressing into mines. I could feel the loud music vibrating on the tile wall, my body already on fire as he ran his hands up and down my sides, my hand finding him. We slid to the bath tub floor, and he slid inside me. I moaned loudly, missing that feeling inside of me. He began to thrust softly, the small, confined space limiting us. It didn't matter, I was already on cloud nine, as I began to meet his every thrust.

I kissed him at the same time, wanting to feel connected to him by every way possible, my body welcoming him. He began to speed up, and I matched him intensity until he climaxed. He pulled out, breathless, his chest rising up and down fast. We washed off before climbing out of the shower and wrapping ourselves in towels, climbing into his bed. We lit a joint and shared it, the party still raging outside.

"What happens now?" He asked, after a few moments in silence. I shrugged and took a hit off of the joint. "I'm not sure. Never was, all I know is that I'm here right now," I said, sliding my head onto his chest. He threw an arm around me, kissing the top of my head. Much like me he lived in the moment, the right here and now. I smiled to myself, cherishing this moment. I was here, in Happy's arms, and Chibs knew about it.

A great crash from the living room interrupted my thoughts, as Happy climbed out from underneath me and the bed. "I think it's time to shut the party down," he said, sliding into some jeans. I sighed, rolling over to my side of the bed, and throwing the covers over me. "I'll be back," he said, as he slid into a shirt. I closed my eyes, satisfied, as Happy disappeared towards the living room.

* * *

><p>I walked up the street, still in the same clothes from the night before, my hair wild. Dark sunglasses on my face as I approached Chib's building. I almost did a double take when I spotted Chibs walking down the street, a woman standing next to him, Andy in her arms. I stopped in front of his apartment building, my head cocked to the side, and my arms crossed at my chest. Anything to keep them from reaching out and strangling the bitch. I could tell by Chibs' face that he hadn't expected me to pop up this early in the day.<p>

"Jessie Mae," he said, nodding at me. Andy spotted me and stretched his arms out, calling out to me. I reached out and took him from her arms, my eyes never leaving her face. I etched that face into my memory, no other woman had ever been with my son before. "Filip," I said. He motioned upstairs and then looked back at me. "Do you want to grab his bag?" He asked. I shook my head and took a few steps back. "No, it's fine. You can keep it," I responded.

We all stared at each other awkwardly, the woman looking at him and then back at me. "Jess, this is Jarry," he said, rubbing his chin. I threw her a smile, before turning back towards him. "Well, thanks for watching him," I said, before turning on my heel and walking down the street towards my car, Andy in tow. "Here, let me help you," he said, taking him from my arms, following me.

We walked towards my car in silence, Jarry sitting on his steps. I unlocked the car, and waited while Chibs placed Andy in his car seat. I could see her watching us from the corner of my eye. When he closed the car door, he turns towards me. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to meet her like that," he said. "It's fine, I would just prefer if you didn't bring her around Andy," I said, opening the driver side door. I climbed in and started the car, finding him holding on to the door when I went to close it.

"You can't expect me to not bring her around him, when Happy is a part of his life too," he said, his mouth set in a straight line. What was he doing? Trying to get even with me? I sighed, glancing up at him. "Happy is a part of MY life, not his. He's a big part too, not the flavor of the month. This girl, she'll be gone by the end of this week, just like all the other ones. I would rather not have him confused with all the people coming in and out of your life," I said, throwing him a sarcastic smile. "She's not a girl. She's a woman."

"And you're a child for thinking that it matters," I threw back. He gripped the door tightly, before letting it go, and taking a step back. "She's a part of my life too, you know. It may not be picture perfect, but she's in the picture." I scoffed at his comment and closed the door in his face, locking it so he couldn't open it. I pulled out of my parking space and left him standing there, glaring at me.


	18. Here and Now

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Eighteen**: Here and Now

"It killed me to see Tara and Abel together. To know that she was the one raising him. Jax tried so hard to keep up apart, but eventually she got him to give in," Wendy said. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. I was getting a little tired of her counseling. This new, sober, "I can help others learn from my mistakes" Wendy was getting a little annoying.

I leaned back into the bench we were currently sitting on, watching Abel and Andy play at the playground. "What the hell am I supposed to do?" I asked out loud, rubbing my forehead. "I have spent the last week, hating the two of them together, but there's nothing I can do. I'm sleeping with Happy, and yet I am still picturing the two of them together." Wendy scoffed and laughed. "Honestly, you need to let go. It's just like that high school or middle school boyfriend everyone has. You think the world is going to end, you feel horrible, you cry every night and day. You just need to move on with your life, put him out of your mind, and eventually someone else will come along and you'll be able to be happy again. It's going to hurt, but you have no other options," she said.

I cocked my head to the side and looked at her. She was right. She was fucking right. "I did it when Johnny died. I had to do it again when I left town. Third time is the charm," I replied. Wendy threw me a soft smile, and patted me on the shoulder. I drew in a deep breath and exhaled. "Let me ask you a question... can you honestly see yourself with Happy? For the rest of your life?" She asked me.

I held my tongue, as I thought about the question and my answer. Could I see myself with him? "I... I never even saw myself with Johnny to be honest. I never figured myself to be the marrying type. We got drunk one night and drove to Vegas on a crazy whim. We were caught up in the entire high school sweetheart bullshit. I didn't know anything about being a wife, I never had a mother to teach me anything. I learned everything the hard way with him. For a while we both thought it was a crazy mistake, but we stayed together because we wanted to save face. We didn't know how to tell our friends and family that we screwed up. So we stayed together and faked it all for a while. And then one day we kind of accepted our lives. We went from faking it, to appreciating each other, to actually truly loving each other. We grew up together, we learned to love each together, so when he died, I was utterly lost. We went from teenagers to adults together. We became different people, together."

"You didn't answer my question. Can you see yourself with Happy, married, and not with Chibs?" She asked, staring at me intently. I glanced back at her and then looked away nervously. I shrugged. "If it came down to Chibs and Happy right now, if I could only walk down that aisle with one of them; if I had to choose the man to have children with, to grow old with- I would choose Chibs. I know with time, just like with Johnny, Happy could be that man for me, but right here, right now.. it's Chibs."

Wendy nodded and leaned back into the bench. I felt guilty for uttering those words. For actually choose one of them, but I also felt relieved. "Well, there you go. You do know what you want, you just need to go after it," she said. If only it was so easy, girl. If only I could point myself in that direction. He had moved on.

* * *

><p>I heard the bike, before anything. I sat up in bed, the cold air waking me. The clock blinked 4:45am at me and I sighed. I waited under the covers, waited for the footsteps. I was shocked to hear the key in the door. He had kept his visits to normal hours, ever since I ran into Jarry. He never came to my house ever since he found out about Happy. I would drop him off at Chibs' apartment and then head over to Happy's. The key was there in case of emergencies, in case he needed something.<p>

I heard the door close and then footsteps came closer. I sat in silence as I watched him enter the bedroom, shedding his clothes at the door. "You realize this is not your house," I said, breaking the still silence that filled the room. "I thought you would be asleep, didn't want to wake you," he responded. "That doesn't explain why you're not wearing any clothes in my house," I said, as he walked over to Andy's bed and placed a kiss on the top of his head.

He walked to the other side of the bed, shedding his tank top and sliding under the sheets. I laid down next to him, both of us staring up at the ceiling. I felt his hand slide towards me and grab mine, intertwining our fingers. I could hear him crying in the darkness, and I held his hand tighter. I didn't know why he was upset, I didn't care. All that mattered to me was that he was here. He chose me. He trusted me.

I couldn't contain myself anymore, as I reached over and hugged him, wrapping my arms around him tightly. He buried his head in my chest, his body shaking as he cried. I shushed him, rocking him back and forth. "It's going to be okay," I whispered, running my hands up and down his back. It took him a while, but eventually he fell asleep, my hands tangled in his hair.

When I woke up, Andy and him were gone, the bedroom empty. I jumped out of bed, opening the bedroom door, the air smelling like bacon. I walked into the kitchen, finding Chibs cooking clad only in a tank top and boxers, and Andy in his high chair. I slipped into a chair, watching him in silence dance and sing in front of the stove. Andy was laughing as he watched him.

When he finished his tune, I began to clap, Andy mimicking me. "Thank you, thank you," Chibs said, bowing with a plate of pancakes in his hand. I laughed, he was in rare form this morning. I happily accepted the plate of bacon and pancakes he put in front of me, along with the kiss he gave me. I watched him stunned, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I didn't take my eyes off of him the entire time, as he fed Andy and ate his own breakfast. Mine stood untouched.

I watched as Andy went out to play in the backyard, from the window in the kitchen. I turned to face Chibs, an eyebrow raised. "What the hell is this?" I asked, motioning around us. He shrugged, placing the pots in the sink. "What happened last night?" I asked, grabbing the plates from the table and walking them over to the sink. "I had a bad day," he responded. I leaned on the kitchen counter, trying to wrap my head around it all.

Do I yell at him about hiding out here? Or do I encourage him coming and going as he pleases? It felt good having him home for the night, even better to wake up and still find him here. "Where's Jarry?" I asked, bitting my bottom lip. I heard his sigh before turning back to me. "Where's Happy?" He asked. We stared at each other, daring the other to say something.

"You should call before you come over next time. What if Happy was here?" I said, walking to the coffee pot and pouring myself a cup. He sat down on the window seat, watching Andy through the window. "Will you call before you come over?" He asked, motioning to the key ring hanging by the door. I glanced at the key and back over to him. No, I won't call. Why would I call to warn her? She needed to see that I would always be the only woman in Chibs' life.

"Are you okay now?" I asked, drinking my coffee. He shrugged, continuing to watch Andy in the backyard. I knew he lead a lonely life, he kept a lot of secrets in his pretty little head. Being the right hand to the king was never an easy job. He turned towards me, his face tired. "It's a juggling act, you know? I feel torn into different directions. You, Jarry, Jax. And that little kid out there is the only anchor I have right now," he said.

I nodded, completely understanding him. "This may or may not help you fight the pull, but I've had these for a while," I said, standing up and walking over to the coffee table. I reached under and pulled out an envelope, Filip written on it. I handed it to Chibs, sitting down on the window seat next to him. He opened the envelope, spreading out the contents, his face a mask. "Name change papers?" He said, glancing up at me.

"He's your son after all," I said, glancing out of the window, Andy playing in his sandbox. "Andrew Finley Telford," he whispered. He stood up and grabbed me, kissing me passionately. I pulled away from him, sitting back down on the window seat. "We can't. There's Happy, and then there's Jarry," I said, looking up at him.

"Things are complicated with me and Jarry. How about you and Happy?" He asked, standing in front of him. "We are..." I struggled to finish my sentence. Maybe it was the fact that me and Happy weren't really anything. We never defined our relationship, we never set boundaries, merely because of Chibs. "We're complicated," I found myself saying, looking up at him. I was mostly talking about me and Chibs, but I'm sure he got the hint.

He held the papers up in his hand, a small smile on his face. "Complicated," he repeated, before disappearing back towards the bedroom. I stared after him, wide eyed and emotional. I wanted to call out to him, but I was rooted to that seat. He had managed to destroy all of the resolve that I had. Complicated. I still had a chance.


	19. And Then There Was One

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Nineteen**: And Then There Was One

Head buried in my purse, looking for my car keys, I didn't see her until I almost bumped into her. There was Jarry, leaning against my car, a police car blocking me in. I threw my purse over my shoulder, scoffing at the uniform she was currently sporting. I looked up and down main street, not believing this shit. "Filip has definitely set his sights high," I said, walking up to her, hand on my hip. Oh no, I was in full Gemma mode.

"You could say that," she replied, taking off her stupid cop sunglasses and sliding them into her shirt pocket. "Well..." I said, waiting for her to get whatever she had to say off of her chest. "You got to let him go, sweetheart. All that groveling and holding on that you are doing is not a good look," she said, her words dripping sweetly. I laughed, removing the sunglasses off of my face and placing them at the top of my head.

"Oh, you must be talking about someone other than me, I don't hold on to anything that doesn't belong to me," I spat out, emphasizing the last part. She took a step towards me and smirked. "I want Chibs and I want you to back off," she said, between gritted teeth. I took a step towards her, inches away from her face. "He's not mine to give, but that doesn't change the fact that he sure as hell ain't on a leash." Jarry went to take a step closer to me, but looked around noticing that people were starting to look at us. She took a step back and folded her hands in front of her. I imagined that there was nothing worse for her than a brawl out in public.

She smiled at me, before placing her sunglasses back on her face. "Stay away from him or else," she said, the fake smile still on her face, as she walked back to her police car. "Like I said, I don't hold on to anything that doesn't belong to me," I said, matching her smile. I watched as she scowled at me, before climbing into her car and driving off down the street. How dare she threaten me?

I climbed into my own car, heading towards the clubhouse, my foot pressed all the way down on the gas pedal. I braked hard, before climbing out of my car and slamming the door shut behind me. I yanked open the clubhouse door, stomping inside and over to the bar. "Where is he?" I asked, reaching over the bar and grabbing the prospect by his collar. "I don't know. Who?" He cried out.

I was intent on dragging his ass over the bar and kicking him until he spilled the beans, but the newly built chapel doors opened and SAMCRO appeared. Jax and Chibs stepped towards me, Happy lingering in the background. I pushed the prospect back into the bar, a scowl on my face. "You're weak," I spat at him, before turning back to the men behind me.

"What are you doing?" Jax asked, holding his arms out. "Teaching your man how not to be a little bitch," I spat out. He laughed. "You haven't been this feisty since you were with Johnny. What gives?" He asked. I turned to Chibs and pointed at him. "You need to teach your new bitch some manners," I snarled at him.

The rest of the club, mostly Tig, began to hoot and holler at the idea of a cat fight. "Alright, enough," Chibs said, holding his hand up. He grabbed my arm and led me outside, to the picnic table. I watched him light a cigarette, with all the patience in the world. "What happened?" He asked. I drew in a deep breath, and glared at him.

"She practically cornered me and told me to stay away from you, or else," I said, the last words dripping with sarcasm. He sat down on the picnic table, elbows on his knees and looked up at me. "Okay, I'll talk to her," he said. I scoffed. "You'll talk to her? What do you plan on doing? Dicking her down until she forgets about me?" I said.

Okay, at this point all I wanted to do was just pick a fight with him. I admit it, I was a little jealous that he wasn't at all concerned about defending me. "I said I'll talk to her. You just can't provoke her," he said. "Provoke her? I'm not the one crawling into my bed in the middle of the night," I spat out. He wouldn't look at me, hiding behind his silent facade.

I rolled my eyes. "What the hell are you doing banging a cop anyways?" I asked, shocked as all hell. "It's complicated," he responded. I stood in front of him, arms crossed, glaring at him. Complicated my ass. "Whose the whore now?" I said, turning on my heels and heading back to my car. He was either fucking her for information, or she was fucking him for money. Either way, one of them was a whore.

* * *

><p>I stubbed my cigarette out, hearing the far away rumble getting closer. I glanced at my watch and rolled my eyes. He was late. I watched in the distance as the dark figure became clearer, and then I realized the blonde hair wasn't alone. He was supposed to be the only one at these exchanges. We planned them secretly and quietly, in hopes of never getting caught with the stolen drugs. I watched as Chibs pulled up in front of my car, climbing off of his bike.<p>

"What's going on?" I asked, getting annoyed at the change in plans. Jax pulled his helmet off, placing it on his bike. They stepped towards me, Chibs lingering behind him. "We need to talk," he said, cocking his head up and to the side. He had that patronizing tone, the one that led everyone around him to believe that everything would be okay if we all followed his lead. Except, I wasn't drinking the Kool-Aid.

"You need to let this Jarry thing run it's course," he said, finding my eyes. I flipped my head towards Chibs and scoffed. "Are you kidding me? You got him to come down here and what? Give me a time out?" I yelled, my arms open. Jax moved and stood in front of me, cutting off my line of vision. "You need to back off," he said, measuring his words. I glared back at Jax and took a step back. What the fuck was going on. "The club will facilitate Chibs seeing Andy in the meantime, my mom will help if necessary," he added.

My face dropped. I was sure that the look on my face was priceless, my eyebrows probably raised up and over my hairline. I kept walking backwards, my back hitting the car. Here it was, the club controlling my entire life. Just like when I was growing up, when I was with Johnny. I swallowed hard, nodding. From the corner of my eye, I could see Chibs taking a step towards me, Jax's hand stopping him. "Are we good?" Jax asked, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded, opening my car door and sliding inside, my body feeling heavy on the seat as I turned my car on and shifted into drive. I couldn't look at him, my body shaking with anger, as I drove off that dirt road and disappeared back into civilization. When I was nearby my house, the stop sign in front of me, I couldn't help but cry and slam my hands on the steering wheel. He was being ripped out of my life and there was nothing I could do about it.


	20. Letting Go

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty: **Letting Go

My heart skipped a beat as I realized what was happening. I was having such a shitty day at work, nothing was going right and the day was taking forever to end. So I faked being sick and decided to cut out early. I didn't think that when he encouraged me leaving early, it was because he had a plan, but there he was, parked outside of Stockton P.D., leaning against his bike.

I crossed the street, a small smile on my face. "What are you doing here?" I asked, sliding my arms around him. Happy kissed me, his hands lingering around my waist. "I wanted to surprise you. You sounded desperate in your last text message," he said, caressing my cheek. I laughed, feeling a blush crawl up onto my face. I was touched. Both that he cared about my sanity, and that he could spot when I was about to lose it.

"How about we go for a ride?" Happy asked, handing me a helmet. I motioned down to my skirt and heels, tossing the helmet between my hands. "It's going to be hard to straddle with this thing on," I responded. Happy smirked, reaching over to his bike and unstrapping his book bag. I took the bag from his hands, a slightly confused look on my face. "Wendy is watching Andy. I managed to pack a bag for you all on my own, including my favorite little number on you," he said.

I grinned, opening the book bag. I looked inside and found a change of clothes, my toothbrush and some other toiletries. "Where are we going?" I asked, closing the bag and slinging it over my shoulder. "In due time," he responded, a cocky grin on his face. I patted the bag, before heading back into the police department as quietly and quickly as possible, so no one would notice me.

I changed into a pair of dark skinny jeans, black heeled boots, and a white tank top. I threw my purse into the book bag, sliding my sunglasses onto my face. I emerged from the building, feeling like a different person. I quickly kissed him, snapping the helmet on and climbing on behind him. I wrapped my hands around him, loving the feel of the vibration between my legs, and the man between my arms.

I wasn't sure where we were going, I just enjoyed the view. The sun on my skin, the wind in my hair. I felt carefree as he took us on the highway up the coast. Around what felt like an hour later, he pulled into a parking lot, shutting his bike off. I climbed off, removing the helmet and looking around. A smile crept onto my face as I smelled the salt in the air, heard waves and the birds in the distance.

I turned to him, a shit eating grin on my face. "A beach?" I shrieked, jumping on top of him and hugging him tightly. "I know it's your favorite place, so I figured we can spend the afternoon here, grab a bite to eat, and then maybe spend the night," he whispered, nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck, as I wrapped my arms around him. This was a different side of him. For once, he wasn't just going with the flow. He had a plan.

I felt like I was on cloud nine, as we slipped beneath the waves together, the sun shining down on us. I couldn't have picked a better day to spend together. This day, the thought behind it all, calmed my fears about Happy. Showed me that he could be the man I could spend the rest of my life with. That I could let go of my past, and focus on moving forward with him.

I fell back into the sand, gasping for air as I laughed like I hadn't laughed before. There he was, rolling on top of me, caressing my face as my cheeks hurt from laughing so much. I reached up and pulled him down to me, kissing him softly. This was also a new me. Gone was that rush to feel, that intense urge to rip his clothes off. I realized I already had him. Everywhere I went, I carried him with him. I just had to slow down and enjoy him.

We sat on the sand, my feet dug into the warm abyss it was, cigarettes dangling from our fingers. I was clad in a black two piece string bikini, Happy in his board shorts. My wet hair clung to my shoulders, as we watched the sun go down, and the wind pick up. "Thank you for this. All of it," I said, flicking the ash off of my cigarette. "You're welcome. I've actually been thinking about doing this for a while," he responded.

I smiled, leaning over and knocking shoulders with him. "So why didn't you?" I asked, wrapping my arm around his. He shrugged and stared off into the distance. "This was the first time I actually felt like you were mine. Like Chibs' shadow wasn't hanging over me. I could actually do something for you, not having to hide from everyone," he whispered. I placed my hands in his, locking our fingers together.

We sat in silence for a few moment before getting up, and made our way towards his bike in the parking lot, taking our time. The wind picked up around us, as the clouds began to darken the sky. As we neared his bike, we could see them in the far distance. Two other bikes and a blacked out van. "Too good to be true," I muttered, standing in the parking lot next to his bike, dressed only in my bathing suit.

I could make out Chibs and Jax on their bikes, another man in the van. "Stay here," Happy said, walking over to them. I knew our night was over. Whatever plans Happy had made were quickly written off when SAMCRO decided to crash our party. I groaned, grabbing the book bag and opening it up. I pulled my jeans and tank top over my bathing suit, my hair wild in the wind. I was zipping up my boots when he came back, grabbing his clothes and slipping into them also.

I stood in front of him, watching him change. When he finished, he stood in front of me, a small smile on his face. "I'm sorry but I got to go," he said, reaching over and giving me a kiss, his hands wrapped in my hair. I nodded, smelling the salt water on his skin. He motioned behind me, grabbing his helmet and placing it on his head. "The prospect will take you back to your car," he said.

We hugged briefly, before I turned around and slung the book bag onto my shoulder, making my way towards the van. As I walked towards the van, Jax and Chibs turned their bikes on, heading in Happy's direction. I could feel their eyes on me, as I climbed into the van and put my seatbelt on. For the first time, I found myself watching and worrying about Happy instead of Chibs, as they pulled out of the parking lot ahead of us, and disappeared into the darkening night.

* * *

><p>I didn't care who heard us, who knew. Some part of me wanted to hurt him, as deep as he hurt me, but I could finally breathe. I no longer needed to hide anything from them. They all knew the truth, they had all accepted it. I took a drag off the joint Happy had rolled me, leaning back and exhaling slowly, as he laid naked between my legs. We were currently in the newly rebuilt clubhouse, a party going on outside those walls. Happy and I had snuck away from the raging party, my body already half numb from all of the liquor and weed I had already consumed.<p>

I climbed off of him, placing the finished joint in the ashtray and retrieving my clothes from the floor. I slid into them, my eyes never leaving his naked body. "Great view?" He asked, leaning back on his elbows and smiling at me. I smirked and slipped into my shirt. "It's a perfect view," I said, sliding into my leather jacket. "See you out there?" I said, reaching over and kissing him.

Happy nodded, as I walked out of the room and shut the door behind me. I was too caught up in myself to notice him walking towards me. I bumped into him, turning around to mutter a quick apology before catching myself. Chibs. We stood awkwardly, facing each other. I hadn't seen talked to him since that day I met him and Jax at the top of the cliff, weeks ago. The day I was banned from his life. I'm assuming his bitch knew about his late night visits and wasn't very happy with him. He looked at me and then back towards the bedroom door, his lips set in a straight line. "You seem to be passing the time well," he said, his voice flat.

I laughed, running a hand through my hair. I felt my face get warm as I thought about Happy naked in that room. It had been weeks since we had spoken. No more late night visits, only messages through Gemma. This was the first time we had been in the same room since Jax told me the news. "Happy keeps me busy," I said, on purpose. I wanted to drive that knife deeper and deeper into his back. I wanted him to feel as bad as I did. I saw him shift in his boots, clearly uncomfortable.

"How are you and Jarry?" I asked, my voice dropping at her name. Chibs cleared his throat and nodded. "She's good," he said. Not the question I asked, but okay. I nodded also, seconds away from biting my tongue to stop myself from saying something stupid. "Andy likes her," he said. Oh my god, it was like he was purposely trying to obliterate my soul. I gave him a big smile, my eyes wide and full of tears. I nodded, taking a step back, tears beginning to fall. How could he bring her around MY child?

That was my son after all, not his. I raised him, I gave birth to him. I felt my emotions taking over, I had been on a rampage this entire week. I was sure my period was moments away, the way I was stomping around town in a fit. I practically ran to the nearest door, trying to hide my tears. I heard Chibs behind me, closing the bathroom door shut after I barreled into it. I sat down on the covered toilet, my head in my hands.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He whispered. I lifted my head up, wiping the tears from my face. I nodded, glancing over at him. "I know. I'm just hormonal right now. PMS is a bitch," I whispered, throwing him a small smile. He smirked at me and nodded. "I know it's hard for you, it is for me too. Do you know how many times he does something and I can't figure out why? Or he does something amazing and I want to call you? It sucks that we're in this situation, but we needed this break."

I nodded, realizing he was right. Chibs walked over to me, and lowered himself, sitting on the balls of his feet. He reached out and put his hands on my thighs, steadying himself. Chibs met my eyes and realized how tired he looked now. "You're happy with him, right? He loves you and you love him," he whispered. I nodded, my eyes never leaving his. "He's good for you. I can see how happy you are with him. That day at the beach, you've never looked happier than that. Go with it. Be with him." I was stunned, and a bit confused. Was he letting me go? "I can't give us up, Chibs," I responded, reaching over and caressing his cheek.

He pulled away from me, my hand dropping to my side. "I'm tied to you forever, Jessie Mae. That little boy will always bring me back to you, but we can't continue this. You told me to let you go and I am. I want you to be happy, to feel loved, and right now I can't give that to you," he said. Chibs stood up, and pulled away from me. He glanced down at me sitting on the toilet seat and smiled softly, before walking out of the bathroom.

I stared after him, confused at what exactly I was feeling. Happiness because he said he would come back to me eventually, or sadness because he was currently with her. I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too, but this time I couldn't have it all. I sat in the quiet bathroom for a few moments, the banging on the door snapping me out of my daze.


	21. My Cup Runneth Over

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty-One: **My Cup Runneth Over

I knocked on Gemma's back door, my stomach a bundle of nerves. I knew Gemma was at the shop, so I hoped Wendy was home. A few moments passed before I heard footsteps approaching the door. The door opened and Unser appeared, his usual nod greeting me. "Hey, is Wendy here?" I asked, walking through the open door, not even waiting for him to invite me in.

He motioned to the back of the house. "Yeah, she's putting little Thomas down," he said. I threw my purse on the table, and headed towards the bedrooms, my heels clicking through the house. "Wendy," I said, entering Gemma's bedroom. There she was, lowering a sleeping Thomas into a play pen. She glanced up at me and smiled. "Hey."

"We need to talk," I sat, cutting all the pleasantries short. She placed a small blanket over Thomas and then turned to me, hooking her fingers into her back pockets. "What's up?" She asked. I grabbed her arm and dragged her away from the doorway, glancing back to see if Unser was there. "I think I'm pregnant," I whispered.

Wendy did a double take, her eyes wide. "You have got to be kidding me," she said, shaking her head. We sat down at the edge of Gemma's bed, both of us staring at Thomas. I drew in a deep breath, the words I spoke finally offering some type of release. I had had my suspicions the last couple of days- I was more hormonal than usual, slight bouts of nausea, and a weird aversion to cigarette smoke. Something was up. Oh, and the lack of a period was another telling sign.

"I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow down at the hospital," I whispered, my body slack at the idea of being pregnant. "Is this a good thing or a bad thing?" She asked. I can understand why she was confused, my face was one of absolute shock. Normal people would be happy to be pregnant, people with my history tended to freak out. "Depends how far long I am. Two months? Month and a half? Could be Happy's. Before that..." I shrugged, not finishing my answer. Wendy drew a hand to her mouth, and glared at me.

"Yep," I nodded, confirming all of her thoughts. "What are you going to do?" She asked. I shrugged. Who knows? I fell back onto the bed, hands on my stomach. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. "I'm screwed, Wendy," I said. I felt her reach out and place her hand over my hand, giving it a small squeeze. "We'll figure it out. We don't even know if you really are pregnant," she replied. I squeezed my eyes tight, hoping, wishing, and praying that she was right.

* * *

><p>I climbed out of car, walking towards Tara's grave. I found Jax sitting in front of it, Thomas on his lap, happily chewing on his fist. It was a bit morbid of him, but I understood the idea behind it. "Hey," I said, squatting down and rubbing the top of Thomas' head. I looked up and found Jax looking at me, his head cocked. "What are you doing?" He asked, shaking his head softly.<p>

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I hadn't been delivering goods as promised. I had slowed down in hopes of cooling things down with Chibs as promised. "You wanted me to keep the peace between me and Chibs, and I've been doing so," I said, standing up and looking down at him. He nodded and pointed up at me. "I thought you were working on him," he replied.

I nodded, and began to pace in front of him. "I am, or at least I was until you put me on time out. Remember that?" I threw back. "Club took a vote on that. There's nothing we can do about it." I laughed and faced him, an incredulous look on my face. "Since when does the club vote on my life?" I yelled back. He sighed, and cradled Abel in his arms as he stood up to face me.

"When you're in bed with the club, everything spills over. It's all about how you clean it up," he said. Oh, how I hated it when he made everything look so easy with his stupid one liners. I shook my head and sighed. "Well things just got really messy. I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant," I threw out. Jax raised an eyebrow and released a deep breath slowly. "You're what?" He said, shifting Thomas to his other side.

I nodded, laughing crazily. "How do you manage to do that? Complicate every aspect of your life. You get out of one jam, and end up in another," he said. I shrugged, and motioned around me. "You think I know? You think I do this shit on purpose?" I said. I followed him as he began to walk towards his car.

"You know, your father was right. You should've stayed away from the club," he said, opening the car door. I laughed, as he strapped Thomas into his car seat. I leaned against the car as I waited for him to finish. He shut the car door and turned towards me, leaning on his elbow against the door. "What do you expect me to do? I made promises to certain people already. I need you to come through," he said.

"Jax, I can't do this forever. Eventually I will need to separate myself from the club. You need to give me an end date. You need to cut me out of the picture," I said. Jax nodded, and scratched his beard. "Fine. I'll come up with something. For the mean time, see what you can do," he said, walking to the other side of the car. I watched as he climbed in and drove off, leaving me standing in the cemetery by myself. When did I become a part of the club? When did I have to follow his orders? I shook my head to myself, as I began to walk over to my father's grave. I had to tell him he was right. Even after all of these years.

* * *

><p>I stood in front of the mirror, pulling my shirt up to my bra and glancing at my stomach in the mirror. It was true, I had put on some weight, but that could just be bloating right? I was also drinking like a fish. It was just a beer belly, right? I shifted to my side, glaring at my pudge.<p>

How could I be pregnant? Again? I never pictured having another child. I never imagined it. "Momma, what you doing?" I jumped up, dropping my shirt and turning towards the door. There stood little Andy in the doorway, his favorite dinosaur in tow. I smiled, reaching down and picking him. "Nothing, momma's just looking in the mirror," I said, hugging him tightly. He pushed away from me seconds later, climbing down and disappearing into the kitchen.

I stared after him, thinking about how amazing life was. I walked into the kitchen, sitting down at the table, a calendar before me. I tapped a marker on the table, trying to conjure up all of the times me and Chibs had sex. We had been busy, but everything had died down a while ago. Happy. Jarry. Everything that happened lately managed to narrow down the window of conception.

We had never talked about kids. Happy and I lived in the right here, right now, never talking about our future. That was quickly about to change if I was pregnant in deed, if this kid was his. I couldn't help but imagine what our future would be like. Would we get married? Would he even want this kid? I glanced down at the calendar and sighed, circling the dates I knew I had slept with Happy.

* * *

><p>Boy, was Wendy wrong. I slid down onto a wooden bench in front of the hospital, my purse dropping beside me. I fought the urge to light a cigarette, letting the white stick dangle between my lips. The blood test confirmed it, I was knocked up. The sonogram after me freaking out in the office and threatened to kill the doctor, drove the point home. The baby was Happy's. I was 8 weeks pregnant.<p>

* * *

><p>"What? What happened?" Chibs asked, bursting into the house. I had texted him earlier in the day, saying that I needed to talk to him alone, that it was an emergency. I knew I was breaking all the rules, the ones that were in place for a reason, but I needed to talk to him. "Is Andy okay?"<p>

I nodded, standing up from the couch. "He's fine. He's in the backyard playing. I just needed to talk to you," I said, my stomach in knots. I cringed at the idea of telling him I was pregnant with another man's child. I could see the relief wash off of him as I said that, his body relaxing immediately. "What's going on?" He asked, sitting down on the arm of the couch.

I sat down in the arm chair across from him, wringing my hands. "I need this to stay between us for right now. Promise me," I said. He drew his eyebrows together, giving me the once over. "What's going on?" He pushed. I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes as I muttered the words. "I'm pregnant," I said.

I heard him shift in his seat and I opened one eye to look at him, finding a hand over his mouth. All of the color had drained from his face, as I finished opening my eyes to face him. "I'm pretty sure it's Happy's," I added. He cleared his throat, and shifted in his seat again. "Are you sure?" He mumbled.

I nodded, leaning back in my seat. "I'm 8 weeks pregnant. He has to be the father," I responded. This of course was all pending on my calculations. He sat there in silence, staring at me. His eyes were fixed on me, glaring angrily at me. "Why are you telling me this?" He spat out. I sighed, finding his eyes. "Because you deserve to hear about it from me and not some random person on the street. Because believe it or not, I respect you too much to not look you in the face and tell you I'm pregnant. Because at the end of the day, you are still a big part of me," I responded.

He shook his head, running a hand over his face. I wish I could read his mind, so that I could know how he really felt about it all. He didn't seem angry, or upset, he was just sitting there watching me. I looked away for a brief moment and turned back to find tears silently streaming down his face. There was not much I could do at this point, I felt like I was breaking his heart in some way.

Chibs cleared his throat and stood up, wiping his face. He nodded and walked out of the house, closing the door quietly behind him. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, gathering my strength. I stood up from the couch and went into the backyard to play with Andy.

When we returned to the house, at some point he must have called and left me a voicemail, my cell phone blinking his name. I waited for Andy to fall asleep, before settling into the couch to listen to it, a cup of tea in my hand.

"I am happy for you, I truly am, but part of me is dying right now. To think that you are going to have a family with him. That he will get to see your belly grow, his child born. That you and Happy are building a family for Andy. It kills me, that I am jealous of him. That I can't have what he has. I am sad, but I am happy for you."

I closed my cell phone slowly, holding it to my chin. I could hear the strain his voice, as if he was choking back tears. I sighed softly, taking a sip of my tea. I felt frozen, stuck in time, replaying his voicemail over and over again. I had taken everything from him, everything.


	22. Happily Ever After

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty-Two: **Happily Ever After

I was sausaged into my pencil skirt, the belly I was currently trying to hide clearly not agreeing with it, my breasts spilling out of the tanktop I was wearing. It was getting harder and harder to hide it. It had been a week since I found out I was pregnant, another secret I just couldn't spill to anyone. Chibs' reaction had shocked me into reality. It was official, I now had two baby daddies. I was still pondering what we would do, what I would want Happy to do. Marry me? Move in? Where the hell did we go from here?

I know I didn't have to figure it all out at once, that time was on my side, but I couldn't let myself be happy about this pregnancy unless I knew where I was going in life. I grabbed my purse from the table, and jumped into my father's pick-up truck, heading towards the club house. I texted him on the way there, to confirm where he was. I parked outside of the clubhouse, not wanting to have this discussion in front of any club members. I texted him, letting him know I was outside, and I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel as I waited. I watched him exit the compound and walk across the street moments later, his usual straight face on. He walked around the truck, climbing in.

I glanced over at him and smiled softly, reaching over and giving him a quick kiss. "What's up? Everything okay?" He asked. I knew it was unusual for me to text him, wanting to see him. We usually just happen to cross each other's paths during the day. "I needed to see you. Have you talk me off the ledge," I said, pulling away from him. "Okay," he said, his voice unsure.

"When I left, I was alone. I went through that pregnancy alone. I didn't know anything about being a mother, I never really had one. When that nurse handed me Andy, I was scared shitless. All I could do was cry and hold him. We sat there together for that first day and cried together. His first night at home in that dirty ass apartment I had in Nevada, was the scariest thing I ever did. Here was this child, depending on me, and I didn't know anything. Google helped me raise him. Google!" I said, my fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly.

Happy turned towards me, pushing his sunglasses up on his face. "What's wrong?" He asked, his face a blank facade still. I motioned down to my belly and boobs, as I let out the stomach I was holding in, the skirt straining. "I'm pregnant," I said, staring straight ahead, not wanting to meet his eyes. "I'm pregnant, Happy." I could feel my chin quivering as I waited for his response.

I turned my head towards him slowly, afraid to see his reaction. His face was still straight. "I'm afraid to ask," he whispered, closing his eyes. "It's yours," I responded. A smile popped up on his face as he opened his eyes. He reached over, grabbing my face with his hands and kissing me repeatedly. I laughed, this was not the reaction I was expecting. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly.

I had never seen him smile this way before. Happy wasn't one for smiles or laughter. I had my suspicions about the kind of man he was with the club. I had asked him once, what the smiley faces meant, and his response was vague and yet enlightening. My commitment to the club, he whispered. He pulled away from me and caressed my cheek, his eyes wet with tears.

"You okay with this?" He asked, reaching over and taking my hand in his. I nodded slowly, smiling at him. "I'm just scared, Happy. I don't want to do this again, alone. I don't think I'm strong enough this time around," I said, squeezing his hand. Happy slid over to my side of the truck, wrapping an arm around me. He placed a kiss on the top of my head, inhaling my scent. "I won't leave you. I'll be by your side the entire time, Jess. I know things tend to be crazy around here, but I'll be here every step of the way, whether you want me to or not. I promise," he said.

I closed my eyes and melted into him, a big smile creeping onto my face. I had his support, and that's all I wanted right now. I couldn't help but smile- I was pregnant! I shrieked, jumping up and down in my seat. "Oh my god! What if it's a girl? What are we going to name her?" I said. He laughed, reaching over and kissing me. We began to make out, his hands groping my breasts.

His phone chirped and he pulled away from me, his lips swollen. Happy pulled out the phone and opened it, looking at the screen. He closed it and slid it back into his pocket, glancing back at me. "Put a pin on this. I have to go," he said, reaching over and kissing me quickly. I sighed, as I watched him disappear back into the compound.

* * *

><p>I waited up that night for him, Happy had been staying over lately. He was beginning to spend more time at my house than his. He was settling in nicely to the routine. He would be up before me, making Andy his breakfast and getting him dressed for day care. It was nice to wake up to them in the morning. See what our life together could be like.<p>

He entered through the kitchen, like always, stripping out of his cut and throwing it onto the chair. As usual, the first thing he did was give me a kiss, while rubbing my belly. He smiled, reaching into his pocket and handing me the biggest Snickers bar he could find on his way home from wherever he was at. I sighed, tearing it open and devouring it. It had become my latest mid-night craving.

Not much was said, as he showered and climbed into bed with me, both of us on our backs. We stared up at the ceiling, the moonlight coming in through the window. "We need to get a bigger house," he said, rubbing his stomach. I nodded, realizing that things would need to change soon. "I know. 3 bedrooms? Your house is only two," I responded.

I felt him shrug. "We need a fresh start," he said. I nodded, pulling the covers over me. "Have you told him?" He whispered. Chibs had become this dark cloud, looming over any happy thing that happened in our relationship. He referred to him as HIM, never uttering his name when we were alone. I knew Happy wanted to step out from behind his shadow, but I wasn't willing to risk the relationship I had worked so hard to keep amicable lately. "Yeah. He knows," I responded, my hand sliding down onto my belly.

"Emmalin if it's a girl. Johnny if it's a boy," he said into the darkness. I sighed, smiling softly. "Yeah, that would be nice. Emmalin. Johnny," I whispered, as my eyes closed and fell asleep. That night, I dreamt about our child. I didn't really know if it was a girl or a boy, but I had a baby with me. We were sitting in a field somewhere, under a shaded tree, as Andy played in front of us. It was comforting to see us there, but I felt... alone. Something was missing.

* * *

><p>I walked quietly through the aisle, glancing at all of the baby clothes on hangers. I stopped and studied one, awkwardly trying to start the conversation to get the information that I needed. "How is he?" I asked, turning my head towards her. Gemma stopped, her hand instantly flying to her hip. She brushed back her bangs with the other hand and sighed, pursing her lips. Damn, I would have to deal with her bullshit. She was the only one that could give me the answers I wanted.<p>

"He's okay, he's dealing. Has no other choice," she said, turning towards the clothes. I had let her talk me into going shopping for some clothes for the boys. I was angling for information on Chibs, but I had a feeling she was angling on some information from me too. I nodded, continuing to walk through the aisles. "It's gonna be a long 18 years for you two," she added. I sighed, turning to face her.

"I know. I haven't really spoken to him since I told him about the baby. He didn't take it too well," I said. She held up a shirt and a pair of pants, taking a look at the tags. "He's a different man when he's out there on the road. Does a complete 360 when he sees his kid. I think he's taking it good. I don't sense any friction between the boys," she responded. I nodded, relaxing a bit at hearing that he was doing okay.

I had accepted a long time ago, that him and Jarry were together. I took a step back so that he could have a relationship with her. I was starting to think that maybe everyone should just move on with their lives. "Can I ask you a question?" She said, facing me. Here it was, the real reason why she invited me out. "Sure," I answered cautiously. I could see the wheels turning in her head, as I turned to face her also.

"You spend a lot of time with Abel, Thomas and Wendy. How do you think she's handling this thing with the boys? As a mother yourself," She asked. I thought about it, wondering where this line of questioning was going. "I think she's become very maternal. She's become attached to those boys, as if they were her own," I responded. Gemma nodded, and scratched her temple. "I'm almost afraid they'll forget about her," she said, quietly. Tara. "Marie tried for years to become that mother figure for me. It just never felt right. Granted, my mother never actually raised me, but I knew she wasn't her. I think the boys will be fine without Tara, as long as they have love and support from you guys. That's what got me through it."

Gemma nodded, wiping the corner of her eyes. She cleared her throat and continued to walk down the aisle, linking her arm around mine. "Thank you," she said, patting me on the arm. "I needed to hear that." I nodded and let her lead me around the store, letting her pick out some awful looking maternity clothes.

* * *

><p>I took off my jacket, throwing it onto the back of the couch, as I walked through the house. I was 4 months pregnant now, and was showing earlier than I did with Andy, my belly almost entering the room before me. I stopped short at the entryway to the kitchen, finding Happy sitting at the kitchen table. I smiled at him, before walking over and giving him a quick kiss.<p>

"Are you gonna stay for dinner?" I asked, walking over to the kitchen. I knew that if he didn't stay for dinner, the chances of me ordering take-out again were very high. He didn't say anything, so I turned around to face him, my hand on my hip. When I turned around, I found him standing behind me, a red ring box in his hand.

I took a step back, my heart racing. Oh my God! The man was proposing?! I stood frozen, one hand on my chest, the other on my belly; shocked. "Happy..." I whispered. Was this his idea of what he needed to do because he knocked me up? He had started dropping hints about getting a bigger place, and now this? Happy opened the box and held it out to me, a small smile on his face.

"This isn't a marriage proposal, unless you want it to be. I told you I would be by your side no matter what. We've already been through so much together, there's no reason to part ways now. I made you that promise the other day and now I'm giving you this ring. This ring is a promise to you, a sign of my commitment to us, to our family," he said. I couldn't contain myself, as I jumped on top of him and wrapped my arms around him.

No man had ever given me a ring before. Johnny and me got drunk, ended up eloping in Las Vegas. He never bought me a ring, and I never asked him to do so. The world just kind of knew that we were together. Everyone accepted it. I took the ring box from Happy's hand, staring down at the silver ring with the diamond in it. This could've been a 25 cent vending machine ring, and it didn't matter to me. All I cared about was that he was claiming us. That he was committing to us. Even in his undefined way, we were his.


	23. Reality Sucks

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty-Three: **Reality Sucks

I climbed out of the pick-up truck, making my way towards the clubhouse. I was meeting with Jax about the final delivery I was to make next week, trying to pull myself away from the club. The clubhouse doors opened and Jax stepped out, followed by Bobby, Tig, and Happy. I smiled at them, happy to see my boys all together. It had been a while since I had seen them all.

It all happened so fast. I heard the sound of screeching tires before anything, making me turn and look towards the entrance of the compound. I saw the car fly by, and heard the boys shouting something, but it all went by in slow motion as I felt my body slowly fall down. I think I was in shock, but I didn't feel anything, just saw them crowding around, Happy's hands on my belly.

And then the darkness came...

* * *

><p>I had been feeling weird for the last couple of hours. I woke up with that same familiar twinge I had felt before. There I sat on a hospital bed, my stomach bandaged up, my hands rubbing the small baby bump I was currently sporting. I was waiting to hear what I already felt inside of me. That soon the blood and cramps would come. And then everything would be over. Just like before.<p>

I closed my eyes and wished it all away. The pain. The hopes and dreams. Everything. I just wanted to be home, in bed, alone. Doctors and nurses came in and out, their words and condolences meaning nothing to me. There was nothing they could do at this point. There was no life inside of me. There was only one person who I wanted to be with me and they weren't here.

Was this karma? Did I set myself up for this? I asked for the best drugs my health insurance could afford, I did not want to live through this again. Alone again.

* * *

><p>He didn't come that night. The sun had just come up when I woke up, the beeping from the machine I was hooked up to and the quite whispers from down the hall, surrounding me. I waited patiently for Wendy to pick me up, the only other person in this world that even cared about me. He didn't pick up the phone, didn't respond to my text messages. We rode in silence through town, my fingers rubbing on the white hospital bracelet on my wrist.<p>

I didn't pay attention to anything she said, it was all a blur. She was still talking when I slammed the car door shut behind me, making my way towards the house. I opened the front door, closing it quietly behind me, as I leaned against it and slid to the floor. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath, as I heard footsteps approach. I opened my eyes and found him standing before me, his head hung.

"Get out," I said, my voice choked, as I held back tears. He stood still, his head still hung. I waited a few moments, before getting up and walking towards him. I pushed him, over and over again. My body screamed from the bullet hole I had in my side, but I kept pushing him, I kept pushing until he was backed into a corner, until I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Happy refused to look at me, his head hung and his arms at his side.

I was angry, at him, at the world, at the club. How could he leave me alone? How could he disappear when I needed him the most? I reached out and shoved him into the wall, my body protesting at the pain. "I told you, I was scared. That I didn't want to be alone during this pregnancy. But you did me one even better, you left when our child was dying," I said, pushing away from him. I walked over to the couch, lowering myself on it, and closing my eyes. "Get out," I repeated, grabbing the blanket that lived on the couch and throwing it over myself. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"You're a sorry ass man is what you are," I replied, as I settled into the couch. I heard him shift around for a while, before I dared to open my eyes and look at him. He stood in the corner I had pushed him into, but this time he held his head up, staring straight in front of him. "I don't have a lot of good in my life. I have you and Andy. I had.. that baby. I am sorry, I just didn't know how to handle it," he whispered, tears streaming down his face.

I ignored him and struggled to flip over on the couch, my back facing him. He stood there for what felt like forever, I was falling asleep. "Get out. Have the prospect bring whiskey and cigarettes,"I muttered, before closing my eyes and letting myself fall unconscious. Nothing mattered any more, anyways.

The key jingling in the door woke me up. I lifted my head up, looking outside the window at the darkening sky. How long had I been asleep? I glanced around, Happy was long gone. I turned towards the door, it slightly opened, Chibs stepping through it with Andy behind him. Andy ran over to me, a huge smile on his face. "Momma," he yelled, jumping on top of me.

I groaned, wrapping my arms around him. I placed my hands on top of his head, holding him tightly, inhaling that sweet smell he had. "I figured you would want to see him," Chibs said, sitting down on the armchair across from me. I nodded, kissing the top of Andy's head repeatedly. He pulled away from me, patting the top of my head. "Love you," he said, before jumping down off of me and running into the bedroom.

"Love you too," I said to his back, watching him run. How innocent he was, he didn't have a care in the world. He didn't know what had just happened in the last 72 hours. All he knew was that he spent the night at his father's house and that his mother wasn't there. That was all. Ignorance sure was bliss.

"Are you okay?" He asked, leaning back into his chair. I rolled my eyes, turning away from him, and nestled back into the couch. Am I okay? How could I be okay? "Are you going to take him home with you tonight?" I asked, closing my eyes. Because I would really like that right now. I would really like to just smoke and drink my night away. "I can take him," Chibs responded. I nodded, throwing an arm on my face to block the light.

We sat in silence for a while, the only noise in the house coming from the bedroom. After a few moments, Chibs stood up and began to walk to the bedroom. "I'm sure you want to be alone right now," he said. I shook my head. "The last thing I want to do is be alone," I whispered. And so I heard him sit back down, I heard the rustling of the leather. He kept vigil that night, as I fell back asleep into a peaceful sleep. I was comforted by the idea of him being there.


	24. Sweat & Tears

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty-Four: **Sweat & Tears

I leaned back into the park bench, my eyes watching Abel and Andy climb on the jungle gym. Wendy had taken Thomas to a doctor's appointment, so I volunteered to watch the older boys. I was still out on leave from Stockton P.D., but I was eager to get back to work. Siting at home all day was driving me crazy. I kept looking at all the baby stuff I had bought, I hadn't worked up the nerve to clear it out yet. It had been a two weeks since I had the miscarriage and the shooting, and life didn't feel the same anymore.

I knew he would come, I knew he had been watching the house, waiting for me to leave it. Plates of food would magically appear when I was in the shower. The house magically cleaned itself whenever I went to Wendy's house to see Andy. He would spend the day there, the night with Chibs as I healed. It took me a few days to figure it out, the drunken haze was clouding everything for me. I managed to snap out of it long enough to realize that I was letting everything fall apart around me, and that he was keeping it all together for me. Which was the last thing I wanted.

Happy sat down next to me quietly, handing me a cup of coffee. I took it graciously, I still wasn't sleeping well. "Thanks for cleaning the house,"I said, taking a sip of coffee. I kept my eyes on the boys, my face turned away from him. "You're welcome," he replied, his voice flat. I thought about what I would say when I saw him. What I would do if he ever came near me again. I had dreams about it, but suddenly it was all different.

I reached into my shirt and pulled out the ring he had given me, the one I had hung around my neck on a chain since the first day he gave it to me. I pulled it off of me, holding it up in his direction. "I should give this back to you," I whispered. I felt his fingers reach out and take the ring from my fingers, the necklace sliding through them. He didn't say anything, but I could feel his eyes on me.

"I can't take it, and say that I believe in it. In you. I would be lying and I'm tired of all the lies, Happy," I said. I watched from the corner of my eye, as he looked down at the ring and rubbed his fingers on it. "I still love you, nothing can ever take that away, but right now I am hurting. Bad. That promise that you made me, meant the world to me. And what you did the other day, meant even more."

He sat still and silent, staring at the ground next to me. "I am sorry. I know nothing will fix what I did, but I'm sure you have to understand," he said. How dare he compare us. "Why? Because I've left you in the past before? Do you think I would be able to ever leave you with a bullet hole in your stomach? While your child died? What I did and what you did are two different things, you coward," I spat out. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"This is the second child I have lost in my life. I need time to grieve, on my own. I just need time," I said, getting my shit together. Happy was there the first time I had the miscarriage. It would be so easy to make him my anchor right now, but the anger inside of me wouldn't let me see past this. "I lost a child too you know," he said. I know you did, but while you drowned your sorrows in alcohol and pussy, I had to suffer by myself.

I sighed and glanced over at him. "Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry for your loss too," I replied. I knew I was being a complete bitch, but between the depression, the grief and the pain, I was intolerable. He laid the necklace out on the bench and stood up, zipping up his cut. "Call me if you need anything," he whispered, before turning and walking away. I slipped the necklace around my neck again, rolling my eyes. Yeah, how I called you when I was laying in the hospital with a child dying inside of me.

* * *

><p>I slammed the front door shut behind me, taking my hoodie off and kicking off my shoes. I threw my purse on the couch, pulling off my shirt and dropping it to the floor. It had become my usual routine since Andy wasn't home. I unzipped my pants and went to pull them off, when I heard the rustling in the bedroom. "I thought I made it clear that you weren't welcome here anymore," I said, walking towards the bedroom.<p>

I entered the room and found Chibs standing in front of the closet, Andy's clothes in his hands. He turned to me and offered a small smile. "He needs some more clean clothes," he said, turning to face me. I shrugged and waved him on. "Continue," I said, turning and heading towards the kitchen. I slid down into a chair, grabbing a cigarette and lighting it, clad in only a bra and a pair of jeans.

I leaned back, closing my eyes, and inhaling slowly. When I opened my eyes, he was standing in the door way. I looked up at him, my head cocked. "Are you okay?" He asked. I shrugged. "Fucking peachy," I muttered, kicking my feet up on the edge of the table. He cleared his throat, before walking over and sitting down across from me. "You're breaking the rules, Jax won't be too happy with you if he finds out you're here. Neither will Jarry," I said, in a sing song way.

I could feel his eyes drinking me in from head to toe, his eyes zeroing in on the necklace around my neck. I looked down at it, and laughed, pulling on it until the clasp gave way. I threw it on the table in front of him, and scoffed. "See... fucking peachy," I said, taking a drag from my cigarette. Chibs glanced down at the ring and then up at me, clasping his hands on the table. "I know it's a tough time for you, but you can get past this," he whispered.

I laughed. How the hell did anyone know anything about this? They could all dole out as much advice as they wanted, but they didn't know the pain I was going through. "Why are you here? You got your clothes. You saw how pitiful I am, so please feel free to leave now." He drew in a deep breath and leaned back into his chair. "Andy needs his mother. He misses you terribly, love," he said. I felt myself start to weaken, as the tears began to fall. I tried my hardest not to cry, wiping them away as they fell.

I nodded at him. I needed someone to remind me that I was still a mother. That I still had a child out there in the world. I drew in a deep breath, trying to regain my composure. "It's okay to cry, to be mad at the world. Andy is going to love you no matter what, I will love you no matter what," he whispered. And then the flood gates opened, as I began to sob quietly. I covered my face with my hands, as my body shook softly.

Chibs stood up, walking over to me, and wrapping his hands around me. He held me while I cried, rubbing my back softly. At some point, he picked me up and carried me into the bedroom, tucking me into bed. I fell asleep and woke up a few hours to him sitting on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. I stared at his back, lightly rising and falling as he breathed. I could smell the leather and cigarettes from there, memories flooding me. "I hadn't cried since it happened," I whispered.

He looked back at the sound of my voice, brushing strands of his hair behind his ear. Chibs turned towards me, concern on his face. He held up his hand, the necklace dangling between his fingers. I glanced at the ring, glinting in the light, and sighed. "He asked you to marry him?" He asked. I shrugged. "In some way or another, he did, but he's not ready," I said. Chibs looked down at the ring sadly, before dropping it onto the nightstand.

"I swear, I'll be better tomorrow, but tonight all I just want is to be miserable," I said, sitting up slowly in bed. He reached over and caressed my cheek, pushing my hair behind my ear. "It's okay, love. There's no rush," he whispered. I could feel my pulse quickening, as I felt his breath on me. I couldn't help but look at him beneath hooded eyes, but I knew it was wrong. I had just had a miscarriage. I had just some what broken things off with Happy. I was all over the place.

"I can't be here, right now. I need to go or else," he said, standing up. I grabbed his hand, dragging him back towards me. "Or else what?" I whispered, his face inches away from mine. He sighed softly, before pulling away again, this time slower. "Before I do something we'll both regret tomorrow morning," he whispered, walking out of the room.

I threw myself back onto the bed, drawing in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, glancing over at the ring on the nightstand. I flipped over onto my side and faced it, locking my eyes on it as I thought about Happy. Where was he? How was he doing? Did he miss me? I felt my eyes get heavier the longer I stared at the ringer, and before long, I was asleep again.

* * *

><p>He slid his body over mines, taking my belt off and unzipping my pants. I panted, my chest rising and falling fast, as we rushed to take our clothes off. I pulled my shirt off, and then slid my pants off, as he pushed my legs apart and leaned over to kiss me. I grabbed onto his shoulders, kissing him rough and fast.<p>

I gasped into his mouth, as he shoved himself inside of me, his fingers digging into my waist. He began to pump in and out of me, fast, our bodies hot and sticky from sweat. Pain was quickly turning into pleasure, as he pumped harder, his body colliding into mines. The headboard knocked against the wall, as I moaned loudly. I dug my nails into his back, dragging them slowly until I reached his soft ass, pushing him faster and harder.

I could feel my toes curling, as I gripped his waist harder with my legs, my hands gripping onto him. I threw my head back and moaned, feeling an orgasm washing over me. I opened my eyes, and he was looking down at me, pushing back the strands of hair that were stuck to my sweaty forehead. I smiled at him, as I reached over and wiped the sweat off of his forehead, my breathing struggling to return to normal. I...

I... heard a knock on the door, snapping me out of my daze. I shot up in bed, and found Gemma standing in my bedroom door way, leaning against the frame. Coffee cup in one hand, the other on her hip. I glanced down, I was still clad in a bra and jeans, my body slightly sweaty. I stared up at her, not understanding what the hell she was doing in my house. "Pregnancy hormones. They give you the best dreams and the best fucks," she said, before disappearing down the hallway. I felt a blush crawling up on my face, as I realized that I had probably woken up the entire neighborhood.

I slipped into a shirt as I walked into the kitchen barefoot, Gemma sitting at the table smoking a cigarette. "Wendy's out back with the boys," she muttered, pushing back her hair. I slid in across from her, lighting my own cigarette. "How loud was I?" I asked, running a hand through my hair. She nodded and smirked. "Enjoy it. Sex will never be the same once you come off of those hormones," she said.

I thought about it, realizing that when I was pregnant the first time around, I was single and alone. I didn't have a man to screw around with. I was too busy freaking out about everything. I leaned back into my chair, motioning to the backyard. "How has he been?" I asked. She shrugged. "He's good. Abel is keeping him busy, Chibs tries to stop by as often as he can," she said.

"I'm better now. He can come home," I replied. She tapped her fingers on the table and glanced at me. "Chibs told me to come check in on you. Said he was worried," she said. Ahhhh... yes, that explains the unwanted visit. I nodded, taking a drag off of my cigarette. "Yeah, he was here for the waterworks show last night," I replied. Gemma leaned forward and gave me a small smile.

"I won't say I'm sorry for your loss, because I know that it doesn't mean shit. People have been trying to apologize for Thomas' death for years, but nothing fills that hole in your heart. Nothing. Not another child, not another marriage, nothing. You'll have to carry that around with you for the rest of your life. You'll just need to be stronger, meaner, and a hell of a lot crazier to move on with your life." I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, as she spoke, her voice shaking slightly. I had forgotten that she had lost a son too. The original Thomas Teller. I nodded at her, as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I hadn't cried until last night. I was just so pissed off at everything. The club. Jax. Happy. I never stopped to actually just grieve, I was too busy trying to forget and block out the pain," I said. Gemma nodded and pointed to the window. "That little boy out there, he needs you more than you need to drink your pain away. He needs you more than you need that baby in your life, sister," she said, standing up and walking to the window.

I nodded and stood up, placing my cigarette in the ashtray. "I'm gonna go shower and get myself cleaned up," I said, nodding at her. She looked back at me and watched me walk out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. I closed the bathroom door behind me quietly, letting the silence fill the bathroom. I turned the shower on and got into the steaming hot water, crying softly.

This was it. I needed to get it all out now. I had neglected my child long enough. I had undone in two weeks what I had spent months building in Charming. A good relationship, a future for myself. Here I was, alone again, but this time I knew I was stronger than before. This time I knew I could make it on my own.


	25. Noting but a Number

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty-Five: **Nothing but a Number

I was surprised to get a text message from him, asking to meet him at the cemetery. Jax and I hadn't spoken since I came home from the hospital, he was avoiding me. Apparently he had come over at some point, when I happened to be drunk, during which I practically physically assaulted him and called him every name under the sun. I was hesitant to meet him, not sure how I would react. By this point, things were starting to get back to normal. I had returned to work, and Andy and I were settling back into our daily routine.

I leaned against Johnny's tombstone, cigarette dangling from my lips. I watched as they both pulled up, Jax and Chibs, to the curb. Jax began to make his towards me, Chibs lingering behind. I kept my sunglasses on, not wanting Jax to see my eyes darting between the two of them. He walked over calmly, swinging his arms back and forth. "How are you?" He asked, stopping in front of me.

I scoffed. The bitch was rearing her head. "I'm perfectly fine," I stammered out. He sighed. "Listen, I know you're upset with me, that you blame me," he began to say. I held a hand up, stopping him. "I am beyond upset Jax. Just tell me what you want so I can get on with my life," I said. I crossed my arms across my chest, glaring at him. "I'm sorry," he said. He actually sounded sincere for once.

I had to laugh. "Do you think saying sorry makes it okay? The only reason I was even there was because of you. I told you I wanted out, but you wouldn't listen. You wouldn't let me go!" I said. I swear, if I could, I would've killed him right then and there. I balled my fists up and let them go repeatedly, trying to relax myself. I ended up grabbing the bridge of my nose. "I'm not going to feel any better about this any time soon, so just tell me what you want so that I can get the hell away from you," I muttered.

He stepped towards me, his hands up. That's how I knew he was going to say some crazy shit to me. "I have a way to get you out of this, permanently, but you won't like it," he said. I raised my sunglasses to the top of my head and glared at him. He paused briefly before speaking again. "I need you to go back to the Stockton evidence warehouse and pull another heist, but this time I need you to take Jarry with you. Show her the ropes and she'll take over everything from here on out," he said. I did a double take, my eyes wide.

I laughed even more. I thought about it, this was the way out. How could I turn it down? How could I team up with her? I sighed, closing my eyes. "This detective has a hard on for the missing guard. We'll put you guys up in a motel for the night, just incase he's watching anybody coming in and out of the facility. Once you're in, my guy at the building's department found some sewer tunnels we can use. He'll never see anybody going in or out." I ran his plan through my head, thinking it might actually work. The only hiccup I saw was me and Jarry in a motel room alone, together.

I shook my head slowly, not believing that I was actually thinking about doing this- with her. "Jax," I began to say, drawing in a deep breath. "You're asking for a lot right now. That is a lot of commitment from me right now." A lot of strength that I didn't know if I had left at the moment. He approached me, walking up and gently rubbing my shoulder. "We can finish things up. Grab more product, be quieter and safer. No one will get hurt this time around. Jarry will have your back," he said.

I turned towards him, releasing a breath I was holding. "What are you doing with this girl, Jax? She's a cop, don't you think you're playing with fire?" I responded quietly, shaking him off of me. He took a step back and nodded. "She's on the take, Jessie. She knows how to bend to make sure shit stays quiet in Charming. If you two do this, the club can come through with a lot of promises we made. Things stay quiet in Charming and no body else has to die," he said.

I raised my eyebrow up at him, trying to decide if I believed him. "And Chibs?" I asked, my face straight. Jax sighed. "He's an insurance policy. Makes sure she stays in line and is available when we need her," he responded. Was he delusional? Did he really think that this would end good? I nodded, dropping my sunglasses back onto my face. "Fine, I'll do it," I spat out. He nodded, throwing a smile my way.

I walked away from him, making my way towards my truck. I found Chibs parked in front of it, sitting on his bike. He nodded at me, and sighed, walking over to him. "Thanks for the other night. And for having Gemma stop by and talk to me," I said, hooking my fingers into the back pocket of my jeans. He nodded again, running his fingers over his mouth. "I know this thing with Jarry won't be easy, but you're doing the club a big favor. They won't forget it," he replied.

I nodded, and glanced over at him. "We'll be there with you guys. We'll get there before you, get an adjoining room. You won't be alone with her for that long," he added. As if that's my biggest concern. How about the fact that I know it's going to be struggle to keep from strangling her? To keep from telling how I really feel about the two of you? Or that fact that you're just using her for protection? I cleared my throat and shrugged.

"I've been meaning to talk to you for a while. I've been thinking about moving. Probably get a bigger place for Andy so that he can get his own room. I figured we should talk about it now, since we're both here," I said, changing the subject. Chibs cocked his head to the side and scowled. "Are you moving out of Charming?" I knew that would be the touchy part of this conversation. "I'm thinking about it. Been looking at some places in Stockton, closer to work," I replied. Chibs scoffed and I could feel him glaring at me. "And why have I not been privy to this conversation?

I shrugged. "I've just been thinking about it, Chibs. I need a change of scenery, plus there's no reason not to," I said. I could see the frustration rising in him. "You can't just make a decision like that on your own. He's mine son too you know!" I laughed. He didn't know the first thing about being a father. He was never there all the times he got sick. Or whenever he had the dinosaur nightmares. All he knew was how to play with him and keep him alive for a few hours. I bit my tongue, not wanting to start a whole other discussion. "You haven't even filled out the name change paperwork," I said, sounding defeated.

Chibs' scowl managed to get bigger. "You think a piece of paper makes him my son? Gives you the right to take him anywhere you want?" He said, his voice rising. I held my hands up, and shook my head. "I came back to Charming with this crazy idea that I could somehow make it work. That I could balance both you and Happy. That I would actually be happy! It was a crazy idea, and I gave it a hell of a try, but let's be honest with each other Chibs! You've moved on, I've moved on. There is nothing left in Charming for me."

I watched him sit there in silence, staring at me. I wish I knew what he was thinking, so that I could figure out what to say next. "You're just running away, you do realize that. Nothing is going your way, you're all alone, so you run. It's what you do best," he said. I didn't respond, I didn't have a comeback for that. He was right, I was running away again. I watched as he put his helmet on, turning his bike on. "You're just a stupid child," he said, before driving off.

I hated when he pulled out the age card. He would do it anytime I did something that he didn't agree with or something based on my emotions. I sighed, drawing in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. I was Chibs' junior by 20 years, and he never let me forget about it. I hated it when he chastised me and commented about my age. I didn't even bother to turn and stare after him. I was livid, and he was right.

* * *

><p>I groaned, finding him leaning against my pick-up truck. I let my purse slide down my shoulder, as I gripped the bridge of my house. I had just had a shitty day at work, I didn't need to walk out of the office and run into Happy. "What?" I stammered out, walking past him and unlocking the truck. I threw my purse into the truck, before turning around to face him. "I want to see you. I miss you," he said, crossing his arms across his chest, his face straight. Boy, did you know how to show it.<p>

I sighed, leaning on my elbow against the truck. I stared at him, trying to conjure up all of those feelings I used to have for him. Before it was instant, all I needed to do was look at him and I wouldn't be able to control myself. Now, I looked at him and saw nothing. I felt nothing. "Fine. You can come over tonight," I said, giving in, and opening the truck's door. He pushed the door shut, standing in my way. "No. I'm not coming over so that we can have sex. I want to come over and actually be with you," he said.

I shook my head and let go of the door. For once in my life, I knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. I knew that I didn't want to be with him. I knew for once, but was too afraid to say anything, too afraid to let go. "No. I don't want to be with you, Happy. I don't want to fall back in love with you, which is what will happen if you come over tonight and actually spend time with me. I don't want to fall in love and accept that ring, only to have you disappoint me again in the worst way possible. So no, you cannot come over and actually be with me. You can come over and fuck me, then be gone by the time I wake up."

He pulled off his sunglasses and slid them into the front pocket of his cut, his eyes finding mine. "No, you don't get to choose when you love me and when you don't. I loved you that entire time you were gone. I waited for you to come back home, and then I pushed aside all of that anger and found my way back to loving you again. So I need you to do the same. I need you to find your way to loving me again," he said. I pulled my eyes away from him, not being able to look at him anymore.

Even with his declaration of love, I still didn't feel it anymore. All I saw was a plain man in front of me, he no longer had that glow around him that he used to have. I was no longer interested in loving him, he had broken my heart. In my eyes, what he did was unforgivable. "I want to go back to the days when me and you were best friends. When I could trust you, when I could count on you. Right now, you are not that man. Right now, I don't want to love you," I said. I pulled open the truck door, climbing inside of it. I sat there in silence for a while, his hands gripping the car door.

After a while, he let go of the door, turning to look at me. "I will always be here for you, you know that right? It's my job to look after you, to take care of you. I made Johnny that promise before he died, and I plan on keeping it," he said, reaching in and kissing me. I turned my body towards him, my legs hanging outside of the truck, his body sliding between them. That's when I knew I had made the right decision, as his hands crawled up my skirt, digging into my thighs. At that very moment, all I felt was his hands on me, throbbing between my legs. I no longer had that urge to jump on top of him, to feel every inch of him. I could've just sat there and let him do anything and everything to me. There was no real emotion attached to this act anymore. I felt nothing other than carnal urge.

I pulled away from him, his hands lost inside my top. I grabbed them, dragging them out slowly, my breathing rapid. I pulled down my skirt to it's normal position. He stood there, a hard-on in his pants, and a look of shock on his face. "You don't want me like this. You want Jessie that's in love with you. I'm not her right now. I'm only looking for a quick fuck, Happy," I said. He nodded, clearing his throat and holding his hands up. "Enough said," he replied, before turning on his heel and walking away.


	26. Getting Even

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty-Six: **Getting Even

I pulled on that cigarette, as if my life depended on it. I was tense, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get through this. I had just dropped off Andy at Gemma's, my mind at ease knowing that Wendy was looking after him right now. I was playing with fire, and I didn't want him up in anything. I flicked my cigarette out of the truck's window, pulling up to the motel. I had called ahead and made a reservation, all I needed to do was pick up the keys and keep my mouth shut.

Jarry. As I climbed out of the truck, she walked out of the motel manager's office, holding up a key. She looked so normal, t-shirt and jeans, hair down. I grabbed my overnight bag out of the truck, slinging over my shoulder, as I locked the truck's door. "Room 15," she said, pointing to the second level of the motel. As if she didn't know. Jax had bribed the manager into giving us adjoining rooms. I nodded, throwing a small smile her way before heading to the stairs.

I waited for her to open the motel door, stepping through and finding Jax, Tig and Chibs sitting around the room. Tig closed the door behind us, glancing out of the window down at the parking lot. "All clear," he said. I dropped my bag on an empty bed, glancing around at the posh conditions we were holed up in. This place made the cemetery look comfortable.

"Happy and Bobby are in Charming, looking after things. The prospects are watching the bikes and the van at another motel down the road," Chibs said, moving to the worn in table. Jax stood up from from his position on the bed and turned to Jarry and me. "You guys are set for the night. We'll keep an eye out to see if anyone is watching the place, and if it's all clear, we'll meet you at the warehouse at noon," he said. Jax reached into his back pocket and pulled out a rolled up piece of paper, handing it to me. I unrolled the paper, and studied it. "Those blueprints will show you our access points. All you have to do is pick up the grates and then put them back down when we exit," he said.

I nodded, stretching out on the bed, my eyes still on the blueprints. From the corner of my eye, I watched as Chibs left the room through the adjoining door, Jarry following him. I rolled my eyes, and settled in to the bed. Jax walked over to me, sitting down at the edge of the bed. "You okay?" He asked, handing me a lit cigarette. I nodded, taking a drag from it. "Fine," I responded, staring at the wall in front of me.

"We're almost through this," he added, standing up and patting me on the leg. I nodded, watching him leave the room in silence. Tig threw me a small smile as he exited the room also, disappearing into the other adjoining door, on the other side of the room. So I could only imagine that the lovebirds got their own room. I kicked my shoes off, disgusted at the current conditions of the motel room. Nice shit hole.

* * *

><p>I came out from the bathroom, clad in only a tank top and a pair of panties, cigarette dangling from my lips. I was surprised to find her on the bed next to mine, her hands folded on her lap. "I was instructed to be nice to you," she said, holding her hands up. I scoffed, flicking the ash of my cigarette into the ashtray. I didn't say anything, just walked to the table and sat down, elbows digging into the faux wood.<p>

I could hear her rustling around on the bed, and then moments later she appeared in front of me, a flask in tow. She pushed it towards me, leaning back into her chair. I glanced over at her and then down at the flask. A peace offering? I reached down and picked it up, opening it and taking a swig. I exhaled slowly, placing the flask down in front of her. I met her eyes, cocking my head to the side, challenging her to say whatever was on her mind currently.

"You have this hold on him," she said, taking a swig herself. I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "Apparently it's not strong enough to get him to stop fucking you," I replied, leaning back into my chair and lighting another cigarette. "He's not just fucking me. He has feelings for me too," she replied. Yes, I'm sure he does. He will love you up and down main street, but when it comes down to it, the club always makes the final decision. "I'm happy for the two of you then."

What did she want from me? Why was she even trying to talk to me? "But he's holding back. I think he still has hope for the two of you. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?" She asked. I raised an eyebrow at her, reaching into my tank top and pulling out the necklace with Happy's ring on it. "I guess he liked it, so he put a ring on it," I sang at her. Jarry smirked at me. "What? He knocked you up and then put a ring on it? I'm surprised you didn't try to do the same to Chibs. Oh wait, you couldn't you little coward," she snapped.

I put a hand over my mouth, drawing my eyes to slits. I knew she was just baiting me. She was willing to do anything to make me look bad, make me look like I was out of control. I scoffed, and sighed. "Is that it? Is that all you have for me?" I asked, shrugging my shoulders at her. She was going to have to try a little harder to get me to crack. "For now, yes. You little whore," she said.

That would do it. I stood up from the table, throwing my cigarette into the ashtray. "You know, I was starting to feel guilty about sucking his Scottish dick every night, but now I'm happy I've been spending time on my knees," I said, before turning around walking towards the bathroom. I was lying, but she didn't know that. I should've expected it, what woman could sit still after a comment like that. I was only a few feet away from the bathroom door when she jumped on me from behind, sending me flying through the bathroom door.

I fell down, my head colliding with the edge of the tub. I reached over and felt the warm liquid starting to flow down the side of my head. I turned around, finding her standing above me. I had to laugh, as I stood up to face her. I wiped my hands on her shirt, the blood smearing on it. "Cheap shot, nice," I said, pausing before I sent my fist flying into her face.

She pushed me back into the sink, my side protesting in pain as the sink dug into me. I felt her hands wrap around my throat as I punched her in the jaw. She fell back into the wall, her chest heaving up and down as she wiped blood from the corner of her mouth. At that moment, the boys appeared in the doorway, staring at us. I smirked, knowing they would interfere in whatever this was. "Next time you talk to me like that, I'll break your jaw," I said, as they dragged Jarry out of the room.

Tig threw me a towel, as I wrapped it around myself, sitting down on the toilet. I grabbed a small hand towel and put it to my head, trying to stop the blood. I could see Jax from the corner of my eye, shaking his head, as Chibs led Jarry into the room next door. Jax walked over to me, pulling my hand away from my head, and taking a look at the gash on it. "I'll have Chibs come stitch you up in a few," he muttered, before walking out of the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

I didn't know what happened in the room next door, but I could hear muffled yelling. Oh what I would've given to be a fly on that wall. After a while things quieted down, and then I heard the door open and close. I stiffened up, wondering what would happen next, as footsteps got closer to me. The bathroom door opened and Chibs stepped through it, glancing down at me and frowning. "What?" I asked, shrugging at him. None of this was my fault, so why was he looking at me like it was.

"You didn't have to say that to her," he said, unrolling his medical kit on the counter. I grunted, of course she wouldn't bring up what she said to me. Why would she? She was the innocent one. "Well, doesn't it count if I'm imagining it in my head," I replied, not caring anymore about respecting her. He froze, looking at me. I could see a flicker of want in his eyes, before he cleared his throat and continued to prepare his supplies. I watched as he threaded a needle, and began to make his way towards me.

If she was going to blame me for trying to take him away from her, then why shouldn't I reap the benefits? Why should I play nice and follow all the orders? I was tired of the club telling me what to do, when no one else bothered to play their roles either. As he leaned closer to me, I couldn't help but stand up and meet him halfway, my face inches away from his. My eyes were instantly drawn to his mouth, as I bit my bottom lip, and dropped my towel.

I knew very well what I was doing at this point, as I reached for him. I didn't expect him to reach out to me, but he did, crushing my mouth with his. It was intense and fast, as he held me against the wall, my hands pulling at his belt. He covered my mouth with one hand, as he pumped in and out of me furiously. I lost my fingers in his hair, pulling softly until we climaxed. He pulled away breathless, trying to get back into his clothes.

I smirked at him, feeling somewhat better at the entire situation now. I released some tension and got even, all at the same time. I picked the towel up off of the floor and wrapped it around myself, resuming my position back on the toilet, a smug look on my face. Chibs zipped his pants back up and picked up his needle, focusing on the task at hand.

This time around I knew what to expect. Nothing worse than a tattoo, so I sat still and closed my eyes until he finished, inhaling his scent as he worked. I was instantly relaxed, the dull ache between my legs gone, the satisfaction of fucking her man turning my crappy day around. When he finished, he took a step back and looked at me. I smiled up at him, feeling somewhat happy about everything. Chibs rolled his medical kit back up and placed it inside his cut, clearing his throat and nodding at me.

I thought we were done, as I stood up to make my way out of the bathroom. Chibs reached out and yanked the necklace off of my neck, holding it up in front of me. "I better not catch you wearing this again," he whispered in my ear. I nodded, a shit eating grin on my face, as I took the necklace from his fingers. He pulled away from me, exiting the bathroom and leaving me staring after him.

When I exited the bathroom a few moments later, I found Tig stretched out on the bed that was Jarry's, his feet kicked up. I assumed they had decided to separate us and I was okay with that, as I slipped in beneath the covers and closed my eyes. "I'm sure you're mighty relaxed now. Good night," Tig snickered, before turning off the lights. I laughed and nodded my head in the darkness.


	27. Getting On

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Author's Note**: Thanks TakersSoulMate and JCLProductions88 for all of the love and support. Your rock!

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: **Getting On

My elbow on the door, holding my head up, I drove through the night. I was rushing to get back to Charming and away from all of them. I felt a sense of relief as I realized I was done. This was it, I was home free. I leaned back into the seat, watching the other cars go by, following the SAMCRO caravan I was currently in. I could only count down the miles until we were back home. It wasn't long before we reached Charming's border, everyone taking their different routes as planned. I knew my orders, Happy and Andy were waiting for me at my house.

I had never been so excited to be home. I literally jumped out of the truck, running to the front door. My key wasn't even in the lock when the door swung open, Andy in Happy's arms, a big smile on his face. I laughed, taking him in my arms and holding him tight. I stepped into the house, giving Happy a kiss on the cheek. "How was he?" I asked, dropping my purse on the couch.

"He was great. We had a blast," he responded, sitting down at the edge of the couch. Oh, really? That's what I wanted to say, his face straight, not a shred of delight on it. I sat down across from him, snuggling Andy on my chest. "Thank you for watching him," I said, breathing in his sweet smell. I looked down and found Andy asleep, his eyes closed tightly, as his hand gripped onto my sweater.

"Anytime," he said. We stared at each other quietly, and quiet honest, awkwardly. We hadn't spoken since we had last seen each other. "Do you want to order some take out? Share some beers?" I whispered, missing his presence in my life. I missed him, it was true, but not in the same sense I had before. I missed the man who was my best friend, not my lover. I missed being able to tell him everything. And the fact that Wendy was back in my life, made it more apparent. There were thoughts I couldn't bear anyone else to know, thoughts that I knew only him would understand. He was part of my moral compass, and not having him with me confused things for me.

I couldn't help but smile as he agreed to it. I put Andy to bed, while Happy ordered pizza. I sat between his legs, our bodies on the floor in front of the coffee table, a comedy show on. I was falling into a food coma, half a pizza pie and a sleepless night later, so I leaned back into him, his arms wrapping around me. Happy kissed my neck softly, and I let it happen. "I'm going to make you love me. It may not be today, tomorrow or this year, but I'm not going to give up on us," I heard him whisper softly, as my eyes began to fall.

"Hey," he said, appearing out of nowhere. That was becoming Chibs' usual style. I smiled up at him, as children ran everywhere. We were currently standing on the back porch, Andy's 3rd birthday party in full swing. It had been over a month since we had seen each other, I had officially cut ties with the club after that night. I had met with Jax a few days ago to get my cut of the money, and since I was still banned from seeing Chibs, I was pretty much absent from their lives lately. Out of courtesy, I had invited SAMCRO to the party, but only because I wanted to keep things civil.

* * *

><p>"Hey," I said, softly, placing my hand on his elbow. I'm sure I looked stupid, staring up at him breathlessly, the sun glistening off of his hair. I was snapped out of my daydream when he pulled his arm away from me, throwing me a small smile. What the...? I glanced around and found Jarry in the far corner of my backyard, searching around in her purse. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, glancing back at him. So he invited her.<p>

Chibs held up two fingers, a gift bag hanging from the end. "Can we talk?" He asked. I glanced around, nodding, and walked into the house. The house was full of parents and kids, crawling all over my house and touching everything. I smiled at everyone as we made our way through the house, making our way towards the bedroom. As I shut the door behind us, the room became instantly quiet.

I turned to face him, wiping my hands on the back of the sundress I was currently wearing. I was nervous, my palms slightly sweaty. Chibs reached into the gift bag and pulled out an envelope. Name change papers. I nodded, taking the envelope from his hand. "He's officially a Telford now," he said, smiling at me. I smiled back, I was genuinely happy at the idea of it, but it didn't change anything between us.

He placed the gift bag on Andy's bed, sitting down on it. "I got him a small toy. There's a bike for him back at my place. I figured all the kids here wouldn't let him enjoy it as much," he said. He leaned against the wall, the bed so small that his feet touched the floor without trying. Why was he here? He wanted to be alone to tell me this? "What's going on?" I asked, knowing there had to be more to this. He sighed and glanced up at me.

"I have this insane idea that you're mine. That even though I let Happy have you, you are still mine. It wasn't fair of me to take that necklace off of you. If you want to marry him, be happy with him, then go ahead. I need to cut you free," he said. I laughed, slapping my hands on my thighs. I sat down across from him, on the edge of my bed, and smiled at him. "Filip, when are you going to accept it? Even when we're with other people, when we've so called claim to give up on being together, we are still thinking about each other. We are still having sex with each other, we still get excited at every small glance we share. If I jumped on you right now, you wouldn't stop me and I wouldn't let you," I said. I must admit, I was imagining straddling him that entire time I was speaking.

"She's talking about having kids, moving in together," he whispered. She was what?! I was breathless as I heard what he said. I glanced down at the floor, afraid to meet his eyes, as I thought about what to say next. "And are you?" I whispered, my body tense with anticipation as I waited for his answer. "Every man wants someone to come home to. Children to bear his name," he said. I sat still, my eyes glued to that spot on the floor. I used to do that for him. I was that person in his life. "I just wanted to tell you because I didn't want her to throw it in your face."

I scoffed. "She doesn't need to. You throw her in my face every chance you get. What the hell is she doing here anyways?" My eyes found their way back to him, glaring angrily at him. He sighed, leaning forwarded and looking into my eyes. "She's a decision the club made," he whispered. "Do you have feelings for her?" I responded, not removing my stare from him. I could see the hesitation in his eyes, as he stayed silent. He did have feelings for her, but he was lost as this was a club decision. "Once she's no longer of use, the club will get rid of her," I said, "You can't be talking about children and shit if you know that much."

He nodded, leaning back into the bed. Chibs looked defeated, his eyes tired and his face tight with stress. I sighed, conflicted at all of it. "I want you to answer me honestly, Chibs. I want to hear it from you, not Jarry, not the club, not because you're afraid of the fallout. Do we have a future together? Is there some small part of you that still wants to be with me? Not the bang me in dark corners because you don't want to get attached to me, but the I will wait for you no matter how long it takes type of love." I needed to know if I was going to continue this entire song and dance. I needed to know if I was going to be able to sleep at night.

Chibs watched me, his face straight, not saying anything. "Yes, I did a horrible thing. I left. I cheated on you with your own brother. I had a kid I hid from you. But when are you going to forgive me? When are you going to move on? Lead and I'll follow, Chibs," I said. I watched him take a deep breath, closing his eyes and letting it out slowly. "I have feelings for Jarry, but I can't erase you. I am not mad at you for Happy. I've finally accepted it. Why do you think I was okay with you and him ending up together in the first place? Because I finally understand what it's like to be wrapped up in two people at the same time. The confusion that surrounds this entire situation."

I nodded, relieved to hear his side of the story. I felt some guilt wash off of me, as I finally felt understood. I finally felt like my crime had been forgiven. I felt free, but now it was my turn to set him free also. "I'm not doing this to punish you. I'm doing this because you deserve some time to figure out what it is that you want. You deserve to actually experience and enjoy yourself in a new relationship. I am doing this because I love you, and because I'll wait for you. No matter how long it takes, I'll be there." I saw his eyes get glassy, as he blinked rapidly to push away those tears. I'm sure he knew what was coming.

I cleared my throat, tight with unshed tears and stifled cries. "I'm going to move to Stockton. I'll do whatever is necessary to make sure that Andy sees you and spends the same amount of time with you. I don't want him to suffer because of this," I said, softly. Chibs dropped his head into his hands, and I froze, afraid to reach out and comfort him. I couldn't touch him, because I knew I would break.

There was a knock on the door, and I glanced over, the door opening slowly. Jarry pushed through it, her mouth set in a straight line, as Chibs lifted his head up and wiped his face quickly. I smiled up at her, before standing up from the bed and turning to Chibs. "We should cut the cake soon," I whispered, before exiting the bedroom, and leaving the two of them alone.

Part of me wanted to stay and comfort him. I knew it took a lot out of him to show that much emotion, weakness, but I needed to detach myself from him. I needed to give him that release. So I gritted my teeth and plastered a fake smile on my face, as I walked through the rest of the day with my vision blurred. As we took that typical birthday picture, the parents and the kid in front of the cake, I felt like dying inside.

As soon as the flash went off and the picture cleared, I looked for the nearest exit, my heart in my throat as I tried to make my daring escape. I was trying to be strong, fighting back tears, as I leaned against the side of the house, drawing in deep breaths. "You okay?" Happy asked, as he rounded the corner. I nodded, closing my eyes. I didn't need this right now, I didn't need the added stress. "Thanks for inviting me. I didn't know if you wanted me here," he said, standing next to me.

"Of course. Andy loves you," I said, as he lit a cigarette and handed it to me. "I've decided to move to Stockton. I need a clean break." He threw an eye my way, before returning it back to it's usual far off gaze. "So I take it me and you.." He started to say. I looked over at him, a small frown on his face. "I don't want you to settle for me, but I know that's what you're thinking about doing," he whispered. I won't lie, the thought had crossed my mind. Chibs had moved on, and I had let him go. I didn't want to end up alone, but I couldn't live with him in the back of my mind.

"I love you, Happy. I am in love with you, but something is holding me back. I want to say it's everything that happened with the baby, but I can't. That was part of it. If I married you tomorrow, I know I would be happy with you. I know I wouldn't lack anything, but there would always be that doubt in my mind. There would always be that slight chance that if he came back into my life, I would leave yours. And I can't make that vow, that promise to you, knowing that he could dismantle the life we built, because I was weak," I said. I turned to face him, my hands caressing his sad face.

"I can't stop thinking about you," he said, sounding defeated. "And I can't stop you from doing so. I can't stop you from appearing on my doorstep, from crawling into my bed, from following me. And I won't push you away, because you are my best friend. You are part of me, my life, my world. But I won't lie to you. I won't hide my feelings from you. I won't promise to love you, and only you." He sighed softly, wrapping his hands around mine. Happy nodded, I'm assuming that he understood what he was getting into now.

We walked back to the party, just as they began to sing happy birthday, to cut the cake. The sky was darkening, as the shadows from the candles highlighted Andy's face. I stood to the side, letting Chibs take center stage, as he helped Andy blow out the candles. Andy shrieked and then laughed, clapping his hands as Chibs hugged him and gave him a kiss. I watched from the shadows, yet another sacrifice I was making. All for the good of Andy.


	28. You Lead

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: **You Lead

**Author's Note**: Some flash backs will be happening in the next couple of chapters. Those will be separate from the present day and italicized. There will also be smut present. Enjoy!

I sat on the bed, looking at the dresser, the necklace hanging from the edge of the mirror. Underneath it was a picture of Chibs, Andy, and me at his birthday party, nestled into the mirror's edge. The room sat empty and dark, except for the bed and the dresser, all of my other belongings on a U-Haul truck to Stockton. I sat in the dark bedroom, looking at the mirror, drawing up the courage to get up and walk out of that house.

The same house that held so many memories. The first time me and Chibs had sex after I came back. All the nights Happy stayed over. All the times Andy played in the backyard. Even with all the crazy shit that had happened in this town, this was home. I sighed softly, as a knock on the door snapped me out of my daze. I looked up and found Chibs leaning against the bedroom door, dressed in street clothes. "Happy called, he's almost there," he said.

It was a concentrated effort amongst us all. Happy and Andy had driven ahead, taking the first load. Chibs and Tig had packed up the second load, leaving my bed and dresser for later on in the week. They all knew it had to happen, to make things easier for all of us. I was slowly accepting my fate. I was banishing myself to the far away land of Stockton, in hopes of being able to breathe again.

"You okay?" He asked, crossing his arms over his chest. I nodded, glancing over at him. "Yeah. It just feels so surreal. This was the first time something felt like home for both of us," I replied. Chibs nodded, walking over and sitting down next to me. "You know, you'll always have a home here. Everyone here loves you and Andy. We're going to miss you terribly." I scoffed. Everyone? You sure about that?

I nodded, listening to his words. I knew it was true, that if I ever wanted to come back, the door would be open. And that's what scared me the most- it would be so easy to fall back into the fold, just when I had decided to get out. "We should get going," I said, the darkening sky filling the room with shadows. As I went to get up, his hand appeared on my knee. "Stay the night with me," he whispered. "I can't," I said, hesitant at the idea of it all, "Happy and Andy are waiting."

"I spoke to Happy. He's fine watching him for the night. Wendy is on her way to help out. Stay the night with me," he whispered. I looked over at him, making out the lines on his face in the shadows. "Chibs-," I began to say, but he interrupted me. "Jarry is away for the night. She's testifying on a case. I've turned my phone off. Jax knows. Stay the night." I looked at him, not believing what he was saying. "If this is your last ditch effort..."

"Stay the night. Tomorrow we get in that truck and you never have to look back," he said. Could I spend the night and walk away tomorrow? Did I have that much strength in me? It didn't matter, I knew that I didn't have enough strength to say no to the offer. I found myself nodding my head, letting my purse slide down my arm and onto the floor.

I let him lead me to the backyard. I let him wrap his arms around me, and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I let him caress my face and kiss me gently. I let him wish that he could take it all back, under that moonlight. I let him do all that more, but above all, I let myself fall back under his spell.

It was like we were new to each other; that awkward first kiss, hesitant and yet all consuming. I kissed him briefly, pulling away quickly, my hands not finding their home on his body. This time it was all different, we knew that this time would be the last time. I thank God for the shadows, the ones that hid the scared look on my face, as straddled him on the picnic table. It was like we were hooking up for the first time, like we did oh so many years ago.

* * *

><p><em>That time we were scared, nervous at the idea of it all. I had caught his eye a few times, stolen glances here and there. His hand would meet mines whenever anyone wasn't looking. Up until that point, we had only taken part in brief conversations. Some banter here and there that left us interested, left us hanging onto each other's words, replaying them over and over again until the next time. The first time was after a party the club had thrown in the old clubhouse. I was hesitant on going, scared to be around them all, but Happy insisted I attend.<em>

_I was already feeling tipsy when I got up to get some fresh air, pushing through the throng of people that filled the clubhouse. I found the back door, closing it behind me fast, the cold air of the night offering some type of relief. I saw him further down, leaning against the brick wall, smoking a cigarette. I'm sure it was the whiskey that gave me the courage to walk over to him, my legs shaky as I neared him._

_"Hey," I said, weakly. That was the best I could do in my current situation, trust me, as I leaned against the wall to steady myself. He nodded at me, pushing back the hairs that had fallen onto his forehead. We stood in silence for a while, before he turned to me. Back then his hair was shorter, his face softer, and I'm sure his conscience was lighter. "What are you doing out here?" He asked, motioning to the empty alley._

_I shrugged, not really knowing why. I was still having trouble adjusting to it all, to being back in the mix. It had been almost a year since Johnny passed away, this was a new feeling to me. To be honest, I was lonely. I was used to having a full house, people talking in every corner, having my days full of noise and chaos. Now I was surrounded by silence, and it was deafening. "I needed a breather," I said, exhaling softly._

_I could feel his eyes on me, his brows drawn together, as he reached into his pocket and handed me his pack of cigarettes. "Thanks," I muttered, lighting one up. We stood in silence, my arms crossed over my chest as we smoked. "Is Tig still dancing on the top of the bar?" He asked. I laughed out loud, picturing him in my head. The more he drank, the more articles of clothing he had shed throughout the night. I pictured him on top of the bar, clad in only a pair of boxers and boots. That only made me laugh harder, as I doubled over and snorted by accident._

_I stood up straight, my face red from the snorting sound I just made, embarrassed slightly. "Oh my God," I said, a shit eating grin on my face. I was completely humiliated. Chibs walked over to me, a smile on his face also. "I'm such fool," I said, covering my face with my hands. He stood in front of me, pulling my hands away from my face, and holding them against his chest. "None of that, love. You're beautiful," he whispered, pushing back a strand of hair behind my ear._

_I froze, my eyes afraid to leave his, my breath caught in my throat. I now realize, that it was at that very moment, my entire life would change. I would be put on an emotional roller coaster that would for last years, and would eventually lead me to the best thing ever- a child. It was at that very moment, I fell in love with him. It had been year, since another man touched me, a year since I felt wanted. I didn't realize that I would feel lost without having a man by my side, it almost killed me to admit it to myself, that Johnny validated me. He made me feel like I had a purpose on this earth, and when he wasn't around, I turned to the drunks and alcohol. For what? I don't know, I think I was just trying to end it all faster, block out the pain, to let myself dream a little longer. It was at that very moment that Chibs brought me back to life. I had meaning once again._

_His hands slid to the sides of my face, gently cradling it, as he leaned forward and kissed me softly. I was nervous, feeling his soft lips and his rough beard, touch my sensitive skin. I didn't know how to be with him, or with anyone else. All I had known was Johnny, and here I was, nervous as ever. "I... Umm..," I stammered, not sure what to say when he pulled away from. Chibs took a step back, letting go of my face. I could tell he was waiting for me to say or do something, but all I could do was look away._

_"I'll see you inside," he said, turning to walk away from me, his head hung. I reached out and grabbed his arm, turning him back towards me. "I haven't been with anyone, you know," I whispered, furthering my humiliation. He faced me, the shadows dancing on his face. "You go and look at me the way you do, you make me laugh, you run your hand across my lower back when you think no one is looking; you do all of these things that I don't know how to respond to," I said. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested, the ache between my legs was screaming otherwise._

_Chibs took a step towards me, a small smile on his face. "I lead, you follow," he whispered, as he reached over and undid the buttons on my shirt, the rings on his fingers glistening in the moonlight. That's how that saying came to be between us. I couldn't take me eyes off of his fingers, the anticipation making me want to crawl out of my skin. I nodded slowly, my breathing becoming fast as he reached the last button. Chibs opened my shirt, trailing his fingers down the middle of my chest._

_He grabbed my face, dragging my mouth towards him, as he walked us back against the brick wall. Chibs reached down and picked my legs up, making me straddle him, as he pinned me against the wall. His hands roamed my torso, as we kissed, my entire body vibrating at his every touch. I clawed at his shirt, wanting to touch more of him, all of him, but he pulled away. Was he regretting this? I was beginning to have a mental breakdown, when he put me back down on my own two feet._

_He opened his mouth to say something when the back door opened. Chibs stepped in front of me, as I pulled my shirt closed. "Chibs," someone shouted. It sounded like Jax. "Yeah?" He said, his back facing them as he blocked his view. "Chapel," he said. Chibs nodded. "Be there in a minute," he threw over his shoulder. I heard the door close as I finished fixing my shirt. He looked down at me and placed a kiss on the top of my head, wrapping his arms around me. "Not here, not now," he whispered, taking a step back from me._

_I nodded, knowing that club business was calling. He turned to walk away but turned back to me, kissing me again on the lips. "We still have to finish this," he whispered, before walking towards the door and disappearing into the clubhouse. I leaned against the wall again, my eyes closed, breathing deeply. I couldn't believe that just happened._

_I honestly thought that was it. I wasn't really sure when the next time I would see him would be. So I went back into the party, determined to forget it all, but that proved impossible. Every time the door opened, every time someone laughed, my ears would perk up. My eyes would be searching for him. I mentally cursed myself as I made my way home, why was I becoming obsessed with him?_

_As I pulled into my driveway, I almost squealed. I found a motorcycle parked there, and since it wasn't Happy's, I could only assume it was his. I found him sitting on the steps, a lit cigarette between his fingers. "What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to keep a shit eating grin off of my face. "I told you, we needed to finish our little chat," he said, coyly._

_I smirked at him, my keys jingling in my hand. "This is me following," I said, walking up the steps and unlocking the door. That was Johnny's house, my first sense of a true home. I held the door open for Chibs, who closed it softly behind him. I could sense him drinking it all in, the boxes that littered the living room and hallways. "It's Johnny's stuff," I said, placing my purse on the entry way table. One drunken night, I had gotten enough courage to pack up all of his stuff, but I still couldn't fathom the idea of actually getting rid of it. So for the last couple of months, the boxes just stood there, keeping me company._

_He walked over to me, his fingers pulling on the jacket I was wearing. "If you're not ready, for this," he said. I responded by pulling at the zippers of his jacket. "You lead, remember?" I challenged. He smirked, leaning forward and kissing me, my face finding it's home in the crook of his neck. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted it- a speck of blood._

_I pulled away, opening his collar and finding more of it on his shirt. I froze, glancing up at him, and then back to the blood. Chibs cleared his throat and looked down at me. "Club business?" I asked, motioning to the blood. He nodded, wiping it away. I knew the drill, it wasn't my first time at the rodeo. I knew the life he was in very well, so I didn't ask any further questions. I reached over and pulled his cut off, throwing it on the couch, unbuttoning his shirt. "You should shower," I said, pulling the shirt off of him._

_I glanced at him, nodding at his pants. "I'm sorry," he began to say, but I held my hand up as he shed his pants too. "I follow," I said. As he hopped into the shower, I placed his clothes in the washing machine, another marker of our relationship. I was sitting at the kitchen table, wiping down his cut when he appeared behind me. I turned around and almost fainted, his body still wet and clad only in a towel. I stood up to face him, dropping the rag I had in my hand._

_"You want a drink?" I asked, because I really needed one to steady my nerves. "I'm okay," he whispered, stepping towards me. He grabbed my hand, pressing it into his chest. I could feel his heart pumping under my hand, the rhythmic beating offering sometime of comfort in that moment. I slid my other hand around his neck, pulling him closer. I still consider that a bold move on my part. The first move I actually made on him, as I drew my mouth to his, and kissed him._

_It seemed like the room was spinning fast around us, as we kissed, his heart beating faster under my hand. The washing machine going off in the laundry room broke the trance. As I pulled away, he grabbed my shirt, popping the buttons off. I held the shirt shut, feeling slightly shy. Chibs reached out and pulled me hands away, cupping my breasts with his hands. I pulled the shirt off of me, and threw it on the ground, kicking my shoes off and facing him. "You lead. Show me what you want," he said, dropping his towel._

_In that moment, I felt empowered, like I was the queen of the world. I didn't know what I wanted then, all I knew was that I wanted him there with me, as I glanced at his naked body. I pulled my jeans off, climbing onto the table and facing him with my legs spread. "I want you," I whimpered, holding my hand out to him. Chibs took my hand, his wet hair sticking to his forehead. "I said show me."_

_I pulled him towards me, grabbing on to his face and kissing him roughly, as he found his home between my legs. He ripped my thong off, grasping at my thighs as I edged myself closer to him. I couldn't help myself, as I guided his hand between my legs and into me. I gripped onto his shoulders, as I moaned loudly into his ear. It was explosive, to feel his fingers inside of me, to feel him touching my very soul._

_As my legs shook, bouncing back from his first act, he entered me. I collapsed on top of him, as he pumped in and out slowly. I held Chibs tight, my eyes closed as I lived in the moment. When the floodgates opened, our bodies sweaty, I dug my nails into his back. I was claiming his as mine. We pulled apart, my body weak. Chibs picked up the towel he dropped, wrapping it around me and carried me into the bedroom. He slid under the sheets with me, his arms wrapped around me as we spooned. "You lead, I'll always follow," I whispered, as he held me tighter._

_I woke up the next morning, his arms still around me. When I managed to unwrap myself from him, I headed to the laundry room, where I put his clothes in the dryer. I climbed up on the washing machine, and smoked that after cigarette sex I missed so much. And that's where he found me, and where he would find me for the next few years. In the laundry room, smoking a cigarette and decompressing._


	29. Realizations

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: **Realizations

**Author's Note**: Flashbacks occur in this chapter. They will be separated from the present day and italicized. There will also be some smut present. Sorry for the delay in updating, I've been distraught over the show ending. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>I caressed his face, trying to memorize every laugh line, every wrinkle. Chibs' hands roamed up and down my back, as his eyes were glued to mine. I brought my mouth down to his, as I kissed him softly, my body vibrating every time I touched his lips. His hands gripped onto my waist, as his tongue explored my mouth. He pulled away breathlessly, smiling up at me. "Say no, and we stop right now," he whispered.<p>

Say no? I would rather die! At this point, we had gone too far, there was no stopping us now. I responded by unzipping my hoodie, letting it fall to my sides. I watched him lower his line of vision, his eyes tracing the bra underneath my shirt. I reached over and unzipped his hoodie, unbuttoning the shirt underneath it. I shook my head, bringing my forehead to his, as his hand slipped underneath my shirt. I gasped, shockwaves running through me as his fingertips touched my nipple.

"Take me right here," I moaned, reaching down and unbuttoning my jeans. He laughed lightly, pushing back the hair that had fallen on my forehead. "This is the table where your son plays," he said, laughing lightly, pulling his hand out from under my shirt. "You don't seem to be having a problem with that," I replied, feeling the hard-on he was sporting. I placed my hand on his crotch and squeezed it lightly. He drew in a deep breath and cleared his throat, pulling my hand away. "Let's go inside," he said, his voice hoarse.

I sighed, before climbing off of him and making my way into the dark house. I stood in the unlit kitchen, Chibs closing the door behind him. I was ready to offer a witty remark, when he walked up and caught my face with his hands. He drew his mouth to mines, kissing me fast and hard. I met his every move, our teeth clashing together as if this moment was slipping through our fingers at that precise moment.

I pulled away from him, ripping my hoodie off and throwing it on the ground. He clawed at my shirt, ripping it open and yanking my bra off. I faced him, naked from the waist up, my chest heaving up and down as I struggled to catch my breath. "I'm going to miss you," he whispered, his eyes dancing up and down my torso. I held back tears; this was the moment that I wanted. For him to want me.

* * *

><p><em>There were many good times between us, and those were usually accompanied by some bad ones. Those bad times were the ones that helped me build character. I was no longer living in the box that Johnny had put me in. Chibs gave me character, or rather I had to build some to make sure I didn't fade into the background. I blinked back tears, my hand balling into fists and swinging hard at the girl, her face disappearing into a blur. I didn't want to do this, what the hell was I fighting for? I didn't realize it then, but I was fighting for my future.<em>

_I felt arms wrap around me, drag me down the hallway, and push me into a dark room. When I calmed down, that's when I noticed him standing behind me. "You didn't have to do that," he said, glaring at me. I scoffed. "Are you fucking kidding me? You cheating bastard!" I yelled, swinging at him. We weren't perfect, I knew that, but my pride was hurting right now. He pushed me off of him, me falling back onto the bed. "You think I'm an idiot? I know what happens on the road, I accept it, but I won't let you make a fool of me in front of everyone. Not in Charming," I said._

_"You need to calm down," he said, restraining me. I pushed him away, standing up and facing. "I'm so tired of your shit, Chibs. I am so tired of wondering where the fuck you are every God damn night. I do so much for you! And this is how you repay me? I should've never gotten into bed with you," I said. I reached over and slapped him, the loud sound echoing off of the walls. Chibs slapped me back, his face a mask of rage as I dropped to the floor, cradling my face. _

_The tears began to flow; he had never hit me before. No one had ever hit me before. Not Johnny, not my father. No one. I was in shock, as I rolled into a ball on the floor and cried. "Fuck you!" I sobbed. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening. I knew the men in the club had a reputation to keep. I knew they didn't believe in killing or hurting women, but it didn't mean they wouldn't straighten them out every once in a while. _

_He fell to his knees before me, trying to see my face. I pushed him away, scratching at his face. Chibs grabbed me by the arm and forced me to sit up, forced me to look at him. I didn't care to look at him, as I swung again at him, this time my fist balled up. I kept swinging until his hands closed around my throat, until the fight left me, until I was staring straight into his eyes. "You put me on this pedestal, because you swear that Johnny was a saint. You didn't know about all of his women. All of the whores he had in Charming, in this very room." _

_He dropped his hand, air flooding my lungs. I stared at him; I couldn't pull my eyes away from the destruction we were. "She told me everything," I whispered, my voice hoarse. I ran my fingertips across my neck, the skin tender from his grasp. I knew about the relationship she thought they had, that he would visit her usually every night. That when he didn't come home, it was because he was at her place. Or maybe they were in this very room? She was in love with him. Chibs sighed, running a hand across his face. "I love you," he said, shaking his head softly. "Apparently not enough," I spat out, standing up from the ground._

_I stood over him, staring down at the man I thought I knew. "I hate you," I whispered. And it was true, in that very moment. He had broken my heart in ways he possibly couldn't comprehend. "I gave you everything that I had left, and there wasn't much, trust me. But today you showed your ass, Chibs," I muttered. He stood up, facing me. He looked indignant, like he had done nothing wrong. As if I had made this entire thing up on my own._

_"I am tired of you measuring me to that dead man. You need to let him go, love. You need to let me be a man, not be your little boy toy," he said, his hand finding it's way to my elbow. I pushed it away, turning my back on him. "I felt so bad, so guilty, when we hooked up. I thought, oh my god, I am cheating on my husband. I felt so horrible, but I pushed that all down for you. I swallowed that guilt for you, because you were worth it. Because you deserved it," I said. They say that hindsight is 20/20, and in retrospect, I should've expected everything that unfolded between Happy and myself. I had already sold myself on the idea of moving on, with Chibs. The descent was smooth and easy the second time around, I had already done it once before._

_"You got to let him go. He is dead; you are not doing anything wrong. You are simply trying to move on with your life," he whispered. Was I? I had simply replaced Johnny with him. I had given up my husband, apparently only to end up with someone very similar to him. I had never moved on, I simply thought I had. I turned back to him, my arms hanging at my sides, completely defeated. "Fine," I said, finding his eyes. "Fine?" He questioned. Yes, it was that easy to give up. I didn't want to go back and forth with the psychology of it all. It was easier to ignore it all, the pain and the guilt, and move on with my life. Once again, I was running away from it all._

* * *

><p>I stepped towards him, pulling off his hoodie and button down, him facing me in his usual white tank top. I pulled my jeans off, now clad only in a black thong. He reached over and ripped it off, pulling my body towards his. There I was naked, my body pressed against his. "I love you," I whispered, throwing my arms around his neck and holding him tight. He ran his hand over the top of my head, brushing my hair back. "I love you more than you know, but I know letting go is for the good of us all," he whispered.<p>

I pulled away from him, walking backwards toward the bedroom. He watched me as I walked away, pulling off his tank top and jeans. I hated turning around for that second, taking my eyes off of him, as I walked into the bedroom and waited for him. He appeared a few moments later in the doorway, the moonlight coming through the window, guiding his way. I laid out on the bed, as he watched me, a small smile on his face.

A few moments later, he made his way towards me, sliding his body under the cool sheets. He climbed on top of me, his body soft and rough in all the right places. This felt just like old times, no rush. Like we had all the time in the world. This felt like love, as he entered me slowly, taking his time. I felt my body melt into him, as I fought back the tears. "Tell me you love me," he whispered, his face lost in my neck, as he pulled in and out. I moaned out my proclamation of love. He didn't need to tell me to do it; I would offer it a hundred times over. I would love him until I died.

* * *

><p><em>I was bitter, angry, and resentful, the whiskey fueling me even more. Above all, I was pitiful. I wish I could say that I was drunk, but I wasn't. I had been thinking about it for a long time. Every time he spoke, my eyes lingered on his straight lips. I could feel the tension between us, the energy his fingers sparked every time they touched me. Even if it was all innocent, the lines were blurred. <em>

_I felt stupid, dirty and ashamed, as the naughty thoughts flooded my mind. How could I cheat on Chibs? How could I sleep with Johnny's best friend? Nothing was black and white anymore; I was surrounded by all of this gray. It was selfish of me to blame it all on Chibs. Yes, he wasn't around anymore. I rarely saw him. He came and went as he pleased, but after that fight in the clubhouse, I had let him. I didn't try to stop him. I didn't fight any harder for him, than he did me. I let him go, I was too afraid to be rejected by him._

_A few months ago, Happy went nomad. He had moved out of his house and stopped coming by so often. I missed him. I had lost both him and Chibs, and I didn't know how to be alone anymore. When Johnny died, Happy became the center of it all, and now that Chibs had mentally checked out of our relationship, I was alone again. I had overheard them talking about Happy one day, while I lingered in the clubhouse hoping to run into Chibs. He was back in Tacoma, helping out with some runs._

_I knew exactly where he was. Johnny and him had partied there back in their day. There were many a times when I had to go bail them out of jail, grab their shit before heading back to Charming. So I didn't hesitate on the long drive. The cigarettes and energy drinks keeping me up. When necessary, I pulled over and napped in gas station parking lots, a 38 in my lap._

_I wasn't stupid; I knew the possible outcomes of all of this. I could show up and he could turn me away. He could refuse to speak to me again, I didn't know it then, but he had left to avoid seeing me with Chibs. To avoid seeing me suffer in silence, as I waited patiently for my life to begin again. I sighed, as I climbed out of the car, and began to trudge up the gravel road that led to the bar._

_I pulled the heavy door open, my face instantly greeted by heavy smoke and loud laughter. It was his usual type of place- strong drinks, good music, and easygoing people. I pushed my way through the crowd, walking over to the bar, and waving over the bartender. "I'm looking for my friend," I said. I reached over and pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear, and I felt his eyes zeroing in on the tattoo I had on my right wrist. He nodded behind me, motioning to the corner booth. "He's over there," he said, before turning and giving someone else his attention._

_I turned around, my eyes zeroing in on the corner booth. There he was, feet kicked up on the table, the booth filled with scantily dressed woman. I scoffed, as I made my way over. This was usual of him, but something was different. He was sitting outside of the booth, separate from all of them. He didn't even look like he was enjoying himself, his mouth set in a straight line. Happy wasn't usually one for smiles and laughter, but he could always manage one whenever pussy and drinks were around. _

_I slid into the booth, facing him, a smile cocked on my face. Happy lifted his head up, his eyes finding mine. I saw a glimmer of a smile, before he locked it away. "What are you doing here?" He asked, his voice low and deep. "I could ask you the same thing," I said, leaning back into the booth. I glanced around, his skank posse eyeing me. He sighed, standing up from the table and heading to the exit._

_I chased after him, not believing he was walking out on me- again. I followed him outside to the back of the bar, grabbing his leather cut and forcing him to turn around and face me. "What are you doing?" I exclaimed, slapping my arms down at my side. "You ran away from Charming. You don't pick up when I call. I have to track you down to find out if you're okay," I said. It just occurred to me now, Happy taught me everything I knew about checking out and running away._

_I could see him struggle to find the right words, or was he struggling to say them right? Happy drew in a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. "What do you want from me?" He asked. I could hear the defeat in his voice. "I want you to come back home. I want you to pick up the phone when I call." He sighed, his hands disappearing into his pockets. "When you call to complain about how unhappy you are? When you call for me to scrape you off of whatever bar floor you're on?"_

_That was the first time I realized he had left because of me. I had dragged him down with my misery. "Did you leave because of me? Something I said or did?" I asked, stepping towards him. He took a step back, his eyes avoiding mine. "I left because I needed to breath. You didn't do anything wrong," he replied. And now I know where I got that excuse. I was still oblivious to it all, so I kept prying._

_"Can you just say what's on your mind, already? I'm not the sharpest knife in the box," I said, frustrated at whatever he was dancing around. Happy was never one to be lost in his emotions. He took a step forward, his hands remerging and reaching out to me. He kissed me. The man kissed me. I'm sure it looked like something out of soap opera, his body pulling me towards him, his hands lost in my hair. I was in shock._

_He pulled away from me, my face frozen, my eyes wide as I stared at him. "That's been on my mind. Every night and day," he said, hands disappearing again. I stood in shock, my eyes following him, as he paced in front of me. "I couldn't take it anymore. There I was, falling in love with you, all these years. Even when you were with Johnny, my heart hung onto every word you spoke. And after everything that happened, Johnny's death and the baby, I knew you were the one for me. You showed me how strong you were, how independent. It only made it harder to get my feelings under control. Seeing you with Chibs, seeing everything he put you through- I couldn't just stand there and let it all happen. I couldn't be in love with you and not reach out and touch you."_

_What? I couldn't breathe, as I listened to him speak and declare his love for me. And as I listened to him speak, I realized he had been there for the majority of my life. He had been there with me through my darkest times, and my happiest ones. He was the constant right now, he had been all along. How could I be so blind? I don't know and I didn't care- I reached out to him._

_I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight, as I inhaled his scent. My, how I missed him. As I held him, I realized the lines had been blurred all along. All the nights we cuddled, even though it seemed platonic, he was home for me. He was the meaning of comfort to me. He had saved me. I leaned back, drawing my face inches away from him. I hesitated briefly, before leaning in and kissing him back. It felt fierce and freeing at the same time, his strong arms wrapping around my waist. I wanted to live in this feeling forever._


	30. New Beginnings

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirty: **New Beginnings

**Author's Note**: Hello all to my readers! I know you guys are reading (and I truly appreciate the follows) but could you review, pretty please? It's the only way I can know if you love it, hate it, or what I need to do better. xo

I woke up in the middle of the night, my heart trying to jump out of my throat. I gripped the blanket and wrapped it around me, as I climbed out of the bed, the cold floor greeting me. I turned around and watched him, Chibs' chest rising and falling slowly as he slept. It was an amazing night, but it was one that I instantly regretted. I should've known better. I should've said no, and walked away.

I slid into my clothes, quickly and quietly, not wanting to wake him as I made my escape. I could feel my heart anchoring itself, starting to think what if. What if didn't leave? What if I fought for him? I knew I couldn't back down now, I was leaving for a reason. So that he could have a real relationship, not one that I constantly standing in the shadow of. Not one where I would be dangling an out for him. I couldn't face him. I knew that if he woke up, if he asked me to stay, I would. I would do it, only to regret it later on down the line, if he didn't regret it before I did. I had enough regrets in my life at that point. I needed this memory of us to be our last. Sweet and simple.

And so I left. The shadows were still out, but the sun was quickly rising. I didn't think twice, as I locked the truck doors and pulled out of the driveway. I didn't even bother to pack what was left. I would send movers for it. I just needed to make a break for it. With my heart in my throat, and my fingers gripping the wheel tightly, I smoked a cigarette and drove. I didn't look back.

* * *

><p>It all felt a little surreal. To be alone in the quiet. It was relaxing at first, but pretty soon realization set in as the weeks went by. I was stuck in the monotony that was suburban life. Wake up, take Andy to daycare, go to work, pickup Andy from day care, go back home, cook, clean, sleep, wake up and do it all over again. There would be a brief break, when I would drive Andy back and forth to Gemma's house. He would spend the weekend with Chibs, while I avoided him at all costs. I knew I couldn't face him anymore, I was embarrassed at the fact that I ran away again. I knew those old feelings I had would come rushing back as soon as I heard his voice. It was better this way. With time, they would become dull and I would eventually be able to go through at least one day without thinking about him. With time, but it was still too soon, I wasn't at that stage yet.<p>

I would spend a few minutes talking with Wendy, but I no longer had a place in her life either. Her entire existence became those boys. She was living, breathing, and doing everything for them. And so I faded into the background, heading back to my empty house where I would spend the nights eating take-out and drinking wine until I fell asleep. Only to get up the next day and do it all over again.

This was karma. This was my punishment.

* * *

><p>I ran faster, my feet stomping on the treadmill, as the heavy bass vibrated through my ears. Running had become my new hobby. I had to somehow tire myself out so that the boredom of being exiled wouldn't drive me insane. I had to wear myself down so that I couldn't focus on the frustration that was building up. And so I ran that afternoon, and every afternoon.<p>

I slowed the treadmill down, my body struggling to breathe. I was wiping the sweat off of my torso, when he appeared before me. "Interesting ink," he said, stopping in front of my treadmill. At that point, I shut the treadmill off, facing him clad in only a sports bra and basketball shorts. I glanced down at the different tattoos that littered my body, before leaning forward on the machine and nodding towards him. "I've seen you around, right?" I asked. With time, I was also become quite the conversationalist.

He nodded, pointing down at the Stockton P.D. t-shirt he was wearing. I momentarily forgot I was still at work, pounding away after my shift. "Yeah, I'm a detective in homicide," he said, inching towards me. I pulled away, I was always skittish around cops, even though I worked with them. I had been working in the Stockton P.D. for a while now, and I could barely remember him. "You're managing the evidence room, right?" He asked, a perfect smile on his face.

It was true, I made the fatal mistake of throwing myself into my job when I moved to Stockton. I didn't have anyone to hang out with or talk to, so I stuck to what I knew, the evidence room. I started picking up extra shifts whenever Andy was in Charming, I had become the job at this point. And so, the higher ups noticed, giving me a promotion I'm sure they thought I wanted. I didn't, but I couldn't back out now. I couldn't lower the bar I had raised. I figured, since I didn't have much of a social life, I could at least have a career.

"Yeah, Jessie Mae," I said, stretching out my hand towards him. He stretched his fingers my way, while my eyes memorized every inch of him. He was a couple of inches taller than me, his body lean and tight, I'm sure from working out. He had dirty blonde hair, faint stubble, and no wedding rings. Oh, his eyes were green. It didn't matter- he was a man and he was talking to me. That's all that I cared about at this point. "Daniel. Friends call me Danny," he said, shaking my hand.

I climbed off of the treadmill, my body shivering as I began to cool down. "Hey, is that from a Lynyrd Skynyrd song? Sounds familiar," he asked, his eyes roaming my body, as he pointed to a tattoo. After my exit from Charming, I had tattooed some lyrics from a song in hopes of easing my mind. Fly high free bird, lay in script under my collarbone. At that point in time, it seemed like a good idea. It made me feel good to have something to remind me of the journey I had placed upon myself. I nodded, sliding into a hoodie. "Yeah, words to live by," I replied.

We stood facing each other awkwardly, as I gathered all of my stuff. "Well, I'll see you at work," I said, trying to breakaway from the stiff interaction. I began to walk away when he stepped in front of me, a slight blush on his face. "I don't usually do this, but can I take you out for a drink?" He asked. I took a step back, my eyes never leaving his face. I had never interacted with this man before, so I was already on edge, plus I wasn't quite sure I remembered how to interact with normal men. And by normal I mean men who haven't been incarcerated, don't carry guns with the serial number filed off, and drive on 4 wheels. "You don't even know me. Why would you want to go out with me?" I asked, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

He laughed and shrugged. "You look good behind your desk upstairs. Your hair up in a messy ball. We have a pool going on when you'll stab yourself with all those pens you keep in there. Your smile, it's nice. You always have a smile on your face when you're talking to people. That's hard to come by around here. Listen, I could go on and on, but your sweaty, half-dressed body on that treadmill sealed the deal for me. I would marry you right now if you asked," he said. I laughed, feeling my face turn red. Wait, is this what it feels like to have a man woo you?

"Let's not get crazy now. Fine, one drink. And if you share the prize with me, I'll stab myself," I replied. He laughed, his laugh deep and strong, as if it came from his very soul. Danny nodded and smirked. "Fine. So how about tomorrow night? 9 o'clock? I'll meet you at the bar in town," he said. I nodded, knowing which bar he was talking about. It was a usual cop bar, where everyone went after work. I felt more comfortable with the idea of meeting him in town, in a public place. "See you there," I threw over my shoulder as I walked out of the gym.

I slid into my car, a small smile on my face, as I drove over to Andy's day care. I started to imagine the different ways the date could go wrong, but I kept reminding myself that it was only drinks. This man was different than anyone else I had gone out with. I had never dared to date a cop before. I was too wrapped up in the club and being associated with them, or Chibs finding me. I usually kept to the poor bastards who had no clue about my past or couldn't even begin to imagine, let alone understand it. The ones that wouldn't question anything about my past or my mannerisms. Danny seemed clean, untouched by the criminal underworld. I sighed, deciding to actually give it a shot.

* * *

><p>I sat in my truck, a cigarette between my lips, as my nerves tightened up on me. I exhaled deeply. Oh my god, when was the last time I actually went on a date? Not just hooked up with someone and never called them the next day. I worked with this guy. I would eventually run into him again. I would need to keep a clean reputation in the police department.<p>

It took me about three hours to get dressed, to find an outfit that didn't remind me of my old life, and yet one that had some of my personality in it. So I chose skinny jeans, and a royal blue tank top. I wanted to make sure that I had some type of sex appeal, so I threw on a push up bra and some heeled boots. I kept my makeup simple, gone was the heavy eyeliner and mascara, replaced with light pink lipgloss. This was as girly as I was gonna get. This was the most I could manage without imploding.

So I shifted into my leather jacket and climbed out of the truck, my hair wavy and flowing behind me. I entered the dark room, spotting him at the bar. I waved, making my way towards him. "Hey," he said, climbing off of his bar stool and giving me a kiss on the cheek. He smelled amazing. I never thought I would enjoy another smell other than cigarettes and oil. "Hey," I threw back, as I pulled my jacket off and slung it on the bar stool he was holding out for me. I climbed onto the bar stool, my elbows on the bar top.

"You came!" He exclaimed, sitting down next to me. "You're surprised?" I asked, glancing over at him. "Ehhh... I like to think you're out of my league. I figured maybe you said yes out of pity or because you didn't want me to follow you home," he replied, waving down the bartender. I scoffed, turning to the bartender. "Johnny, neat," I said, turning back to Danny. "Why would anyone pity a guy like you?" I asked. Here we go, now we're getting to the bread and butter.

He laughed, a drink already in his hand. He leaned back into the bar stool, watching me. "Well, I figured I should be honest with you from the get go, to avoid the awkward glances in the elevator on Monday morning. I work too much. I have a habit of taking the job home with me. I drink way too much when I'm not on the clock and I'm a good fuck. I think that pretty much summarizes my entire life since I joined the force," he said. I nodded, as the bartender handed me my drink.

I ran my fingers across the rim of the glass, thinking about this man in front of me. He seemed transparent enough, but I didn't need to let him in. I didn't want him to get wrapped up in my past drama. I wanted a clean start, he didn't need to know much. "I work hard, but I don't take it home. I find it very easy to detach myself from the job, and even easier to ignore everything else going on around me. I drink way too much for my own good, but it makes the days go by faster. And I have a kid. That is my life," I said. I managed to leave out my slight problem with drugs, the ex-boyfriends that are part of an illegal motorcycle club, and the fact that there was a gun in my purse right at that very moment.

He nodded, seemingly relaxing a bit. He held his glass up, a smile on his face. "To new friends," he said. I held my glass up, lightly tapping mines against his. "If you could sum your personality up in five words or less, what would you say? Honestly," he asked, leaning towards me. I laughed. Oh boy. What wouldn't I say. "Crazy. Emotional. Free. Lost. Melancholic," I answered, leaning forward on my elbows and glancing his way. That was as truthful as I was going to get. If I was being honest with him and myself, I would've said crazy, emotional, depressed, addicted, and alone.

Danny nodded, mimicking my stance on the bar top. "What about you?" I asked. There's was something freeing about talking to a stranger, learning how everyone else's mind works. He cocked his head to the side and sighed. "I would say alone, jaded, angry, silent, dreamer," he replied. I smirked, not believing that was him. He seemed to be charismatic and happy, or maybe it was all an act? "We're a perfect pair, huh?" He said. I threw my head back and laughed.

And so began our night. We sat at that bar, until the wee hours of the morning, until I couldn't see straight anymore. We laughed, asked each other the most stupidest questions, offering the most ridiculous responses. It had been a long time since I could be that carefree, since I could just be myself and not this person everyone else wanted me to be. When the bartender finally kicked us out, after calling us a cab, we stumbled out into the chilly air. Our faces red from laughter and the stuffy bar, the alcohol making our blood pump fiercely.

I leaned against the cab, smiling at him. "Am I gonna see you again?" Danny asked, standing in front of me, his hands grasping onto my jacket lapels. I nodded, not being able control the stupid smile on my face. "Yeah, Monday morning at 9am," I joked. He frowned jokingly and sighed. "Text me," I said, quietly, my eyes glued to his soft lips. I wanted to kiss him, take him back home, but I knew I shouldn't. This wasn't some regular guy. I may have to see him everyday at work. He stepped closer to me, I could feel his warm breath on my cheek.

I thought he was about to kiss me, I was hoping he was about to kiss me, but instead he placed a soft kiss on my cheek. "Good night," he whispered, before pulling away and walking down the street. I stared after him, my body cold where his was once. I sighed softly, before climbing into the taxi cab and muttering my address. Beggars can't be choosers.


	31. Knockin'

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirty-One: **Knockin'

I had seen her before, usually around the bars, but the last couple of times she was with Tig. I recognized the look in his eyes, he had a thing for her. She slid onto the stool next to me, and nodded my way, pointing to the empty shot glasses lined up in front of me. "What are you doing here, darling?" Venus asked. I smirked and shrugged. "There seems to be a shortage of whiskey at my house," I replied, ordering another round.

The bartender served two shots, and I pushed one her way. We threw them back, the slow burn making me all warm and fuzzy inside. "Well, thanks for the drink. I'll see you around," she said, before walking to the exit. I had been in Stockton for a few months now, staying far away from Charming as possible. Danny and I had been going out casually for the past few weeks, having dinner and drinks. Nothing had happened between us yet, but I could feel the energy there, waiting for the right moment. I had reached out to him earlier in the day, letting him know that I would be in town, at the new bar that just opened up, in hopes that he would meet me. It had been nearly an hour and he still hadn't showed.

So when she was stopped by some guy in a cowboy hat, jeans too tight around his crotch, my interest was peaked. When voices were raised, I stood up and began to make my way over to them, catching the end of their conversation. "That is not how you talk to a lady," Venus said, pushing her purse up to her shoulder. "You damn bitch! You look like the ugliest dog that was every shitted out in this world. You're no damn lady!" The man yelled at her.

"Someone needs to show you how to be a man!" That last part caused the entire bar to turn their way. Venus glanced around, her face a little nervous. I could see his boys lining up behind him, egging him on. "Woof, woof," I said, walking over and standing next to her. I turned and looked at Venus, nodding my head at her. "Let me tell you something. This dog right here, is more woman than I'll ever be, and I'm more man than you'll ever even dream of being," I said, my voice flat.

"Hey, lady. Stay out of has nothing to do with you," he said, dismissing me. He turned towards Venus and pointed at her. "You ever come back into this town, I'll make sure to bend you over and show you what it means to be a woman. I am sick to my stomach just looking at you," he said. I stepped in front of Venus, facing the man. "You don't own this town. So I suggest you stop making empty threats," I said.

He took a step towards me, licking his lips slowly. "I warned you," he muttered, motioning to the men behind him. They stepped forward, standing next to him. I scoffed and smiled at them. "I dare you. I may be all bark, but the 38 in my purse is all bite," I said, reaching into my purse and wrapping my fingers around it. The men look at me and began to laugh, as Venus stood next to me. "Take your fucking queer friend and get out of here," he said, stepping closer to me. "Or what?" I spat out. At that point, I knew things were going to get a bit dicey, but I couldn't back down now.

The man reached out and grabbed my arm, twisting it behind me. I could feel the bone straining, I could have sworn it was going to break. Some of the bar's patrons stood up, but his friends stared them down. "I'm calling the cops!" The bartender said, disappearing into the back. "I'll fucking breaking every bone in your body," he whispered into my ear, applying more pressure on my arm. "Just stop, we'll leave!" Venus shouted, one of his friends holding her back.

I smirked, it didn't matter anymore. Someone was going to get hurt either way. I threw my head back, feeling bone crushing behind me. He let go of my arm, as I stumbled forward grabbing onto it. "You bitch," he yelled, blood pouring down his face. His other friend grabbed me by my hair, and smacked me lightly across the face. Enough was enough. I reached into my bag and pulled out my gun, waving it in front of them. "Let her go!" I said, as Venus struggled to get away from the man.

He pulled a knife out, holding it to Venus neck. "Put the gun down, and I won't kill him. I'll cut him, but I won't kill him," he said. Yeah, right. I drew in a deep breath and trained my gun on him, knowing I could get a clean shot if I really wanted to. "Put the knife down and I won't blow your brains out," I shot back. He laughed, gripping onto Venus tighter. "You don't know how to shoot a gun! You're just a girl," he said.

Boy, did he underestimate me, as I pulled the trigger. I shot the space between his legs, an inch away from his crotch. "That's the last warning I give you," I said. He gripped her even tighter, his fingers turning white. But it didn't matter, at that moment sirens drew closer, and minutes later cops busted in. I instinctively dropped my gun, I didn't want to die tonight.

They forced us all to the ground, as we were all handcuffed and loaded into the back of police cars. They separated Venus and me and as I sat in the cold backseat, I knew it was going to be a long night. The gun was clean. The place was full of witnesses. I knew that eventually I would go home. Plus, I worked for the police department. I could always call in some favors. There was no rush on my end, but I could hear the mean screaming and yelling to be let go.

As we drove to the police station, the cop in the passenger seat turned to me. "We spoke to the bartender. It was nice what you did for that lady, standing up for her. Those assholes will get what's coming to them," he said, before turning back towards the front. I smirked at myself, leaning back into my seat. I felt a sense of pride. For once, I did something right.

They walked me into the holding cell, where Venus was already waiting. I sat down on the thin mattress next to her, my head leaning against the wall. "You could've killed that man," she said, following suit, her legs tucked underneath her. She didn't say it in a chastising way, it felt more like she was in awe of me. "I'm a good shot," I replied, glancing over at her.

"How'd you learn to shoot?" I smiled, thinking about my father. "My daddy. He was one of the club's founders. He was a sniper in the army. Taught me everything he knew about guns when I was little." She smiled back at me. "Thank you. You didn't have to help me. You could've just ignored the problem and gone about your night." I loved the southern twang in her voice.

"I couldn't walk away and leave you there. Us ladies gotta stick together. Plus, Tig would kill me if I didn't at least sneeze in your direction," I replied. She smiled, a blush creeping on her face as she played with the necklace around her neck. "You ever love a man, knowing that your entire relationship could change at any moment? Knowing that the deeper you get into it, the harder you'll fall when it all comes tumbling down?"

I laughed. I laughed hard. "Sister, do you know who you're talking to? Everything about me screams complicated. It oozes out of my pores," I said. We sat in silence for a while, watching as the police station moved around us. Eventually they allowed us to make a phone call and we were returned back to our cell. I dialed Danny's cell phone number, but got his voicemail again. It was unusual of him to not pick up when someone called. It was a part of his job.

"You know a lot about them. How is it loving them? Do you think I'll survive it?" I raised and eyebrow and turned towards her. I thought about her question- here she was, knew nothing about the lifestyle and was head over heels with Tig already. She stared at me with big eyes, waiting for an answer that could put her mind at ease. I used to be that girl, before Johnny. I had this vision of what I thought it would be like to be with one of them. The attention I would command whenever I entered a room, the respect I thought was automatically assigned to you when you became an old lady. Boy, was I wrong.

"I won't lie to you. It wasn't easy for me. I grew up in this life, and I still can't wrap my head around it. They ride, they work hard, they fight harder, but they love the hardest. They have to, they need something to bring them back home every night. You'll shed blood and a lot of tears. You may fall in love with him easily, but you'll need to work at learning how to love the club. You have to, if you want to love him. They are one in the same," I said. She sighed. "How did you survive?"

I shrugged, closing my eyes. "I didn't. Love knocked, I let it in and then I kicked it out. Scared it away, but sometimes it's good to be-," I was saying, but was interrupted. The cell door open and the guard walked in. "No charges have been filed," the cop stammered out, before holding the cell door open for us. We walked out, signing for our belongings. I knew that we would get off. I was defending myself, and the entire bar saw what happened. Those men weren't going to press charges- they attacked us, and possibly engaged in a hate crime.

We exited the police station, the cool air slapping me in the face. I almost did a double take, as I saw Tig and Chibs at the curb, leaning against their bikes. Venus stopped walking and turned towards me a small smile on her face. "Thank you for what you did tonight. Not many people would help a person in my predicament," she said, leaning over and hugging me. I smiled. "Sweetheart, I love dick just as much as you do. So I guess we're both in the same predicament," I said, hugging her back.

She pulled away, smiling from ear to ear. "Sometimes love needs to be invited back in," she whispered, before turning around and walking over to Tig. She had called them. Venus had called Chibs. I wasn't ready to see him. I don't think I ever would be. Here he was, he came running, and I didn't even call him. It was like time slowed down, as I hung back awkwardly, not sure what to do or say. How about nothing? I could feel my resolve weakening as the seconds dragged by.


	32. I Lead

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirty-Two: **I Lead

I stood awkwardly, watching Venus and Tig kiss. I sighed, hooking my fingers into my back pocket as Chibs walked over to me. "You okay?" He asked, standing in front of me. "I haven't missed a shot since I was 12. I'm okay," I replied. That came off a bit more bitchy than I intended, but what else could I say? "What were you thinking? I got you that gun so that you could be safe." It's true, when he started doing runs with the club and spending more than two days away from home, he helped me get my first gun license. "The gun was clean. I knew what I was doing," I replied.

Tig and Venus walked over, his arm thrown around her neck. "Thank you, for helping my baby," he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. I felt a pang of jealousy inside of my chest. Here they were, all in love and shit. Here I was, in the biggest dry spell of my life. "Anytime," I managed to reply, swallowing all the hateful, jealousy fueled things I really wanted to say. A few minutes later, they climbed on his bike and drove off, leaving me alone in front of the police station with Chibs. I turned towards him, embarrassed to meet his eyes. "Where's your car?" He asked. I pointed behind me. "Back at home. I took a cab to the bar," I replied. I could feel his eyes skimming my body. "You look good, you've lost some weight," he said, awkwardness lingering between us. I didn't know how to respond to that, so I stayed silent, staring at the ground in front of me. This was one of those moments I had been imagining since I left Charming. That moment when he sees you after months, the moment he realizes he will always want you.

After a while, I managed to pry my eyes off the ground, to look up and find him staring at me intently. I drew in a deep breath, my eyes finding his. How could I leave him? Try to erase him from my life? I'm sure no one could understand the pull that I felt towards him, the ache of longing I felt since I had left. I balled my fists up, and tore my eyes from him, placing them back towards the ground. I would do anything at this point to stop myself from acting on the impulses running through my body.

"Where's Andy?" He asked, the silence between us getting too loud. I sighed, why was he questioning me? "Marie's. She wanted to spend some time with him." He nodded, pacing in front of me. "So you left our son with your crazy step-mother to go shoot up a bar?" He asked. He was unraveling rather quickly. I somewhat expected this conversation to go south at some point, but I didn't figure it would do so this fast. "You see! This is why I left Charming, because you get hung up on every little thing I do."

He faced me, dropping his arms to his side. "No, you didn't just leave Charming, you ran away. Again," he half-whispered. I sighed, the cold air making me shiver. "I needed to, Chibs. If I woke up that morning and saw your face- I would never leave. I would continue to make a fool of myself chasing after you. I would never move on with my life and I would spend the rest of it regretting everything." He watched me, his brows knitted together.

The words were harsh but I needed to make my point. "Have you? Moved on? Built a life for yourself?" And there it was, the million dollar question. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I have, somewhat. I met a guy, got a promotion at work, I'm actually making normal friends for once," I replied. I could sense the shift in the air between us. Gone was the fight, replaced by the realization that time had gone on without each other. We had somehow managed to make it work.

"How is Marie with him? I'm sure she's not happy with the idea of me being his father," he spat, lighting a cigarette. I shrugged, and sighed. "She doesn't know," I said, quietly. He raised an eyebrow at me, leaning towards me. "Come again." I drew in a deep breath and held my hands up. "You have a claim on Charming. Those are now your friends, your family. I don't know if you've noticed, but I am absolutely on my own, Chibs. Marie is the only person I have right now. If I told her you were his father, she wouldn't want to play any part in his life. I would lose her too," I responded.

"I know you got the short end of the stick, but they are your still your friends and family. You know they would do anything for you," he replied. I nodded and cocked my head to the side. "I know, but it's not the same. Nothing is," I said. He nodded, walking over to me and placing a hand on my shoulder. "No one stays the same, not even you. Look at everything that you have accomplished. You are standing on your own two feet, you have a new life, a good job, a loving son." I stifled a scoff and nodded along with him. Those damn accomplishments can't keep me warm at night.

Chibs cleared his throat and pointed at his bike. "Want a ride home? That way I can see Andy's room?" He asked. I didn't harp on the fact that he didn't say where you guys live, or where you live, or your house. He had taken me out of the equation, and was replacing me with Andy. I was okay with that for the moment. I nodded, throwing him a small smile. "That would be nice," I replied.

I saw him climb out of his car, across the street, rushing over to me. Danny. Of all the times that he would pop up. Where the hell was he hours ago, when I needed him? "Hey! Are you okay? The guys called and said you were arrested?" He said, approaching me. "Hey. Yeah, I'm fine," I replied, feeling extremely awkward. He walked over and wrapped his arms around me, giving me a hug. I didn't know what to do, I could feel Chibs' eyes on us, so my arms hung limply at my sides. Danny released me, turning towards Chibs and extending a hand. "Hey, I'm Danny," he replied.

I watched as Chibs looked down at his hand, before pursing his lips, and reaching out and shaking it. I'm sure he had already seen the badge on his belt holster and was sizing him up. "Filip," he said, sourly. Danny glanced between us, a frozen smile on his face. "Am I interrupting something?" He asked. I almost jumped, shaking my head. "No, Filip was just about to give me a ride home," I spat out fast. Chibs raised an eyebrow my way and scoffed quietly. "Okay," Danny said, quietly.

He turned towards me and gave me a small smile. "I'm going to head on upstairs then, and finish some paperwork. Call me later," he said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. We both watched as he disappeared inside of the police station, me mostly afraid to glance back at Chibs. He cleared his throat, forcing me to look at him. "I'm assuming that's the guy. My, oh, my. If it isn't the pot," he said. I threw a fake smile at him. "It's not the same thing as you and Jarry. I'm not paying him," I said.

Chibs scoffed. "Paying him to what? Sleep with you?" This was his way of finding out who he was to me, how much importance he should give to him. I turned towards him, rolling my eyes. "I know it's hard to believe that I can actually have a male friend. That I can actually keep my legs closed when men are around me, but at least I'm not taking money from them." He pointed to the building and laughed. "That's not a friend. That's a cop!"

I laughed and shrugged my shoulders. "What do you care? I'm not a part of your life anymore! I can date whoever I please, including regular Joes that have a real 9 to 5," I spat out. Chibs walked over to me, his breathing deep. He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it right away. I could see the wheels turning in his head, as he faced me. "You're right. I don't care," he said, before turning around and walking to his bike. I watched him walk away, realizing that we were so close to going back to old habits. I was happy he had put a stop to it, before we dragged this entire thing out.

I drew in a deep breath and let it out, clasping my lips shut. Lord knows I wanted to yell at his back, berate him for being jealous. I followed him, climbing onto the back of his bike, feeling a bit melancholic. I had my arms wrapped around him again, the vibration of the motorcycle drowning out the rest of the world, as we rode through town. I directed him towards my house, getting reacquainted with the sounds I had just forgotten. The crushing of gravel underneath heavy boots. The sound of a kickstand being brought out. The quiet that filled the space where the low rumble used to be.

I opened the front door, letting him step inside the house. I flicked the lights on, feeling strange at having a man in my house. Chibs walked through the living room, taking it all on it. I'm sure he had questions to ask, as he walked through the house. "His room is on the left," I said, as he disappeared down the hallway. I threw my jacket on the couch, sitting on the arm, while I waited for his return.

I heard his heavy footsteps echo through the house, the rustling of leather following it. At that point, I had heard him crossover to the other side. He was in my room. I drew in a deep breath, knowing he would see it's current disarray. The rest of the house was immaculate, and clean. It looked like someone lived there, like someone called it home. My room was still in boxes, cold and empty. I heard the footsteps drawer closer, and before long, he appeared before me. Chibs leaned against the wall across from me, staring at me.

"You don't plan on settling in," he said. It was like he was inside of my head, trying to figure it all out with me. "I'm seeing a shrink, trying to work through all of my issues. She said it's because I refuse to let go of the past. Unpacking those boxes would make my move final," I said. It's true, I had been visiting a therapist. The dark, lonely thoughts from before had started reemerging. The drinking had started to become more of a lifeline, instead of a hobby. She had me exploring memories, memories I had never paid much attention to. The first time me and Chibs hooked up. The first time Happy proclaimed his love to me. My mother. I was revisiting all of these events that had shaped my present emotions and actions.

"Any rare moments of clarity?" He asked, a small smile on his face. I chuckled. "Yes, mostly when I'm sober long enough to realize that she actually knows what she's talking about. Apparently, a lot of my issues stem from my mother. Her past, the rumors that were forced down my throat, her abandonment. It has all shaped me somehow.

He nodded, hooking his fingers into his jean pockets. "The house looks nice. Andy's room is nice," he said. I could see he was making small talk, trying to fill the space between us. "It seems like you want to ask me something, Chibs? Might as well get it out now. Who knows when we'll see each other again," I said. I knew he wanted to say more, as he bit his bottom lip, and pursed his lips. "You should settle down. Make a home for yourself here. There's nothing in Charming that you can't have here," he whispered.

I scoffed. I can't have you, can I? I can't have my friends back, because they are yours. They belong to your world. I can't have everything I used to have. I nodded, not sure how to respond to his statement. I wanted to ask him about Jarry. I wanted to know everything I had missed in the last couple of months. I wanted to be back in the inner circle, but at the same time, I didn't want the misery that accompanied it. "I am trying. I will," I replied, deciding to keep it short and simple. Chibs shook his head, walking towards the front door.

He opened it and turned to face me, his lips set in a straight line. "Be careful with him. You can't trust nobody, you know that," he said. This wasn't the first time Chibs had given me this speech. I knew very well the responsibility that came with being associated with SAMCRO. "My dad gave me the same speech with Johnny, and then with you. I already gave it to myself because as much as I want to let him in, I can't. There's a part of me, of my life, that he'll never know. He'll never know the true me. SAMCRO continues to take from me," I replied. He stood still, his eyes never leaving my face. "With this life, there are secrets you take to the grave. Secrets you tell no one, secrets that get buried along with you," he replied.

I nodded, sighing. "You told me your secrets. How did you know you could trust me?" I asked. I knew a lot of secrets. My father, Johnny, Chibs, Happy, Jax. They all trusted me. They all let me in. I was an alibi, a witness, an accomplice, shelter, and an executioner when need be. Chibs shifted in his boots, drawing in a deep breath and exhaling softly. "You were born into this life. You did as many bad deeds as the rest of us. You know the true meaning of loyalty and family. You earned that trust, and we earned yours."

He paused for a moment, his brows drawing closer. "Do you remember what you told me, what happened that first time I came to your house? The first time we slept together?" He asked. I tried to pull those memories back. I remembered the main points of that night. "You found the blood on my shirt. You knew it was club business and you accepted it, didn't ask any questions. You said, I follow, right before you washed the blood out of my clothes. That's when I knew I could trust you."

I thought about his words and nodded. I wasn't a part of the club, but I was knee deep in it whenever anybody needed something. He glanced at me, his eyes dancing on my skin. "If you need anything, you can always call me, Jessie Mae. I know things have ended badly, and we have literally gone separate ways, but you are a part of my life. You are Andy's mother, so I need to protect you, take care of you," he said. I nodded again, looking at him longingly.

He reached into the inside pocket of his cut, pulling out a wad of cash. He tossed it at me, my fingers wrapping around it. It was his usual monthly payment. Chibs may have been an asshole at times, but he had been a good father to Andy. He never lacked anything, Chibs always provided for him. He provided enough for both of us. To say the least, we lived comfortably. "Thanks," I whispered, pocketing the cash.

Chibs nodded at me one last time, before walking out of the house and closing the door behind him. I stared at the door, long after he had gone. I found solace in the fact that he still cared, he still wanted me to be safe. Whether or not it was because of Andy, I felt secure in having his support. I stood up and went about my night, showering and changing to get into bed.

The sun was almost coming up when I heard the doorbell ring. I instantly raised an eyebrow, my mind automatically going to the dark side. Who needed an alibi? Who needed shelter? Who was hurt? I hesitantly walked to the door, grabbing the baseball bat behind it. I glanced in the peep hole, and released a breath I was holding. Danny. I opened the door, my eyes wide at him. This was not the way we usually did things. He had only been to my house once or twice, and he was never allowed inside. He always texted first and never rang the doorbell.

"Hey," I said, standing in the doorway. Danny stood on my front porch, his shirt untucked, his tie loose. "Hey," he replied, leaning against the side of the porch railing. I stepped out onto the porch, bat still in tow. "You expecting someone?" He asked, motioning to bat. I shrugged, placing it on the ground and leaning it against the wall. "Single, white female, living alone with a child. I got to make sure I can defend myself," I said, sitting down on the porch swing.

He crossed his arms over his chest and bit his bottom lip. "I feel like I don't know much about you. I am an open book. You know everything about me. You've been to my house. You won't even let me inside yours. You've been in my car. You've met my friends. And after all this time we've been going out and talking, I know nothing about you. I don't even know your child's name. Is it a boy? A girl?" He ranted. "I don't even know how you got that bullet hole in your stomach."

I leaned back into the porch swing, wrapping my legs underneath me. I knew this conversation would come. I knew we would eventually have to talk. As understanding as Danny was about my secrecy and our open "friendship", I knew he would get curious. "Tonight, you called. I didn't come. I know, it was messed up, but I was on-duty. I was tracking down a suspect on the other side of town. I didn't show up, that is my fault, but I didn't expect you to go and call someone else the moment I didn't show. I know, I don't have a claim to you, but I just want to make sure that I still have a shot. Because the way that he looked at me, he feels like is entitled to you."

I nodded listening to his words. Of course, Chibs managed to somehow encroach on this relationship too. I struggled to string along words, something to alleviate the tension currently between us. "I didn't call him. The friend I got arrested with called her boyfriend. Word travels fast. I would've waited patiently for you, Danny. I'm not the type to just give up on people," I said. I sat in silence for a while, trying to piece together my thoughts.

"My son's name is Andy. The bullet hole? I got shot in a drive-by that had nothing to do with me," I said. "There's not much to me, Dan. I'm a very private person, simple and private." He glanced at me, and I could kind of tell he wasn't buying the story I was telling. "And the man? Filip? It wasn't hard to track down information on him. The leather vest he was wearing was very telling." I shifted in my seat, drawing my eyes to slits. He was playing with fire.

"I know all about them, the Sons of Anarchy. Charming. I had to know everything I could about you and this man. So I looked you up. You're a good girl, only got a few drunk and disorderlies on file. You were married before. You're a widow now." I glared at him. How dare he? I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What gives you the right to punch my name into a computer and dig around my life? What you did goes against the very nature of our relationship. No strings, no stress," I said, quietly. The entire point of coming to Stockton was to leave everything behind.

He shrugged and shook his head. "I don't have the right, I know I don't. I regretted it the moment I hit enter. I shouldn't have looked you up. I should've just come here and asked you about everything. It was me just being a jealous prick," he replied. I shook my head and sighed. At least he was honest. "I grew up in Charming. Small town, you get married young. He died. I met Filip. We hooked up. Andy was born. The end," I said. Part of me didn't want to let go of Danny. He was a bright spot in the darkness that Stockton had become. I wanted to give him another chance, I wanted to let him prove himself to me.

"I know, I fucked up. I took this casual thing we had and managed to strangle the life out of it. I just didn't feel right knowing something about you that you didn't want me to know. I could've not said anything, but I came straight here and told you the truth," he said. I needed to do damage control at this point. I was happy he came to me, with his summary of my life. "My past is not a secret, Danny. It's just my past. Charming and Filip are my past. I rather just move on with my life." He looked at me, his eyes sad. "Have you ever done something you regret? Something that you wish everyone could forgive you for?" Preacher, meet the choir.

Danny sighed, clasping his hands in front of him. "I know, I shouldn't have done that, but I allowed myself to get caught up in the movie playing in my head. That you were shutting me out, because you had someone else. That this was as far as we went. We started off so casually, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to continue like that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like you. Like really like you. In time, I know that I'll love you," he said. My heart skipped a beat as I listened to him speak.

This is what every girl wants. You move someplace else to start over, and then you finally meet someone who is saying all the right things. Someone who understands everything you have been through before. But he never would, he would never find out the true story. He could do and say the right things, but he would never understand it all. SAMCRO and Charming had been there through it all, the ups and the downs they caused, my entire history was back in Charming. But my future was in Stockton.

I was ready to give him the chance I had to fight so hard for, the chance I had to leave Charming for. "I like you too Danny, but I value my privacy a lot. It's not the secrets that I enjoy, it's having a separation between my past and present. I want you to be in my present, and hopefully my future, but you can't start digging around when you get a little jealous, a little unsure." I thought about what to say next, going back and forth with myself over what I should say. "I want you. I want to invite you in, tell you about myself, but you can't ask questions. You can't cross the boundaries I'll lay out for you. Let me lead."


	33. Back in Town

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirty-Three: **Back in Town

My jaw went slack as I played the voicemail over and over again, as I floored it. The truck lurched forward as I drove into Charming. I wasn't sure how they found me, or how she even remembered I was still alive, but my blood was pumping as I drove through town. Let me back track a bit, because I'm sure at this point I seem absurdly insane. I was at work when I received the call. Unfortunately, my tongue was too busy shoving itself down Danny's throat, so I wasn't able to pick up.

The voicemail popped up on my screen a few moments later, but I ignored the foreign number until I clocked out for lunch. There I was, standing in front of the station, my mouth open as I heard the voicemail. My mother. She was in a hospital at Charming. My heart dropped as I heard her name, Delia Mae, as the nurse requested my presence.

I don't know what I was thinking, but next thing I know, I'm climbing into my tuck and driving off towards the highway. Still clad in a pencil skirt and tank top, I barged into the hospital, my sunglasses at the top of my head. My heels clicked against the bright linoleum floor, as I made my way towards the information desk. "Hi, I received a call from a Nurse Vicky," I said to the older lady at the desk. She nodded, before reaching for the phone and paging her.

I waited for a few moments, before a younger nurse approached me. She was red haired, bright green eyes, wore black rimmed glasses. Her purple scrubs made her look almost whimsical, in contrast to the serious toned hospital. "Jessie Mae," she said, walking up to me with her hand stretched out. I reached out and shook it, a look of confusion on my face."Nurse Vicky?" I asked. She nodded, motioning to a chart on her hand. "It seems we admitted your mother, Delia Mae, last night," she said.

I shook my head, confused about it all. "How did you know I was her daughter? How did you know to contact me?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. Nurse Vicky sighed, crossing her arms across her chest, the chart nestled next to her. "When the police found her, she was muttering a lot of different things. We weren't sure if she was lucid or not, we thought it was all nonsense. The sheriff followed up on some of the stuff she was rambling about, and she said you were next of kin." I jetted my hip out, my hand finding it's way to it, channeling Gemma in all sorts of ways. Jarry.

"Do you mind me asking- but are you two estranged?" She said. Estranged, that would be putting it nicely. "Somewhat," I muttered, biting my bottom lip. She motioned towards the hallway next to us, throwing me a soft smile. "I can take you to her, if you would like." I stared down the hallway, almost in a trance. My mind was running a mile a minute, I couldn't even begin to formulate the words to summarize the thoughts filling it. Here was this woman, I never met before. A woman who affected my entire future, a woman who abandoned me.

I nodded softly, following the nurse down the hallway. We stopped in front of a room, Nurse Vicky giving me another smile. "What's wrong with her?" I muttered, looking through the small window on the door. The room was lit by sunlight, but the curtains around the bed was blocking my view. All I saw was the legs of a person in a hospital bed. I turned back to the nurse, trying to find all of the answers I could. She shrugged, another small smile. "We're not sure. We're still trying to get a hold of her medical records and we're waiting for the test results to come back. At this point, we're thinking she is suffering from cirrhosis," she said.

What? I turned back to the window, hoping to find some more answers there. "I'll leave you two alone," she said, before disappearing down the hallway. I pushed open the door, stepping inside the cool and quiet room. I walked to the bed slowly, my breath caught in my throat. There she was, asleep. I knew it was her, I recognized the tattoos and the crooked nose from the few pictures Daddy had. He always said I looked so much like her, acted just like her.

She had aged rather well. Her light brown, wavy hair spread all around her. I sat down on the chair in the corner of the room, crossing my legs at their ankles, and leaning back into the fake leather. I don't know how long I sat there for, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. It was at that moment I realized I was just like her. I had a habit of running away like she did, and I also like the bottle a little too much. I also couldn't keep my pants on. Daddy was right.

I dug my fingers into the arms of the chair I was sitting at. An intense wave of anger flooded me, as I looked at her sleeping. Here was this woman that never looked back, never tried to find her family. How dare she try to come back to Charming after all this time? How dare she pop up in my life when I needed her the least? I couldn't take it anymore, I stormed out of the room and found myself in front of the hospital, chain smoking.

I didn't mean to text him, but I had to. I needed someone to talk me off the ledge at that precise moment. I knew Daniel was off limits in Charming, so I dialed the only man that I knew would understand the whirlwind I was currently in. Happy. I was filled with a rush of power, knowing that if I ever called, he would come, no questions asked. I was always his top priority. He parked across the street from the hospital ten minutes later, his usual straight face on.

Now, don't forget that I hadn't seen Happy since I moved to Stockton. So I kind of expected to feel that urge again when I saw him, you know, the jump on top of him and rip his clothes off urge. I was at a loss for words as he sauntered up to me, my eyes raking over his body. All I kept repeating to myself was, keep your legs closed woman. Daniel and I still hadn't slept together. I was holding out based on this insane idea that maybe sex was the root of all of my problems.

"What?" He spat out. I took a step back, not believing he was addressing me in this manner. I glanced around me, maybe he was talking to someone else. "I haven't seen you in months, and this is what I get?" I replied. Happy drew in a deep breath and drew his eyes to slits. "I haven't seen you in months, and yet you only call when you need something," he replied. Fine, you win. But dear old Happy wasn't done yet, he was ready to unload all of his pent up anger on me. "Why are you calling me after all this time? After, once again, you have managed to rip yourself out of my life. Why are you here?"

I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I could feel my face getting hot as tears threatened to slip out. I was glad I was hidden behind my sunglasses, I didn't want him to get the pleasure of seeing me upset. I took a step towards him, my voice quivering as I choked back tears. "You think I didn't miss you? That it doesn't kill me to have to call you? You think I have any other choice? I moved on with my life, and yet, I still keep coming back here. To you." He watched me, not saying anything. We stood in silence, staring at each other.

The hospital doors opened and a nurse stepped out. "Miss," she said, waving at me, "your mother is awake." She disappeared back inside the hospital, leaving me standing there with a dumbfounded Happy. "Your mother?" He asked. I nodded, wiping the few tears that had creeped out and slid down my face. "Yeah," I said, breathless. I couldn't control myself, as I began to cry quietly. Happy reached out to hug me and I pushed him away. "No! She doesn't deserve my tears!" I shouted.

He took a step back and nodded. "What is she doing here?" He asked. I shrugged. "I don't know what the hell she is in Charming for. Apparently, Jarry helped her find her long lost daughter." I walked towards the nearest bench, collapsing on to it. My fingers shook as I raised the cigarette to my lips. "Everyone was right. I'm just like her," I whispered, crying. Happy sat down next to me, holding my other hand.

He knew the struggle I went through, with all the comparisons. I was a whore, just like her. I couldn't sit still long enough, just like her. No one barely knew her, but they knew just enough to judge me. To label me. "You are nothing like her. I know you, inside and out, Jessie. You have been through so much and you saw everything through. You didn't just abandon your child, you raised Andy right. You took care of yourself," he whispered.

There were many rumors about my mother floating around. Growing up they were more rampant and absurd, but with time Charming managed to forget about her. I knew the basics from my daddy, she was a whore. My dad fell in love with her, but she was already pregnant with another man's child. He didn't mind raising me, if he got to love her too. "Your dad did the best that he could, Jessie. Yes, he raised you in a very unorthodox way, but he loved you. Probably more than you'll ever know. You were his lifeline," he said.

My daddy did the best that he could, considering he was a single father. The club took over the majority of his life, and so I hung out in the shadows. I was quiet and knew how to keep my mouth shut, so no one minded. There were many lonely nights growing up, always wondering if he would ever come back home. Many nights watching the boys drink and pick up women, many nights watching daddy come home drunk. Many nights spent washing the blood out of clothes. Many days doing whatever it was that I pleased. I guess I learned everything I knew from them.

I shrugged, sighing. I wiped the tears from my face and glanced up at Happy. He smiled softly at me, his face hard as stone. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was just mad. I'm glad you called me," he whispered, squeezing my hand gently. I squeezed back, smiling up at him. "What do I do? Go up there and move her in? We can finally be a happy family?" I said, sarcastically. Happy sighed, before shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know, Jessie. Honestly, I would tell you to go to her, hear her side of the story. My mother is always sick, so I don't know when I'll be able to say goodbye. She didn't give you the chance to say goodbye, but at least this time you have a choice. Say goodbye because you don't want her in your life, or say goodbye because you are welcoming her back in another day."

I threw my arms around him, pulling him close to me. I held him tight, his taught body warm against mine. I shivered, as the sun went down, cooling the breeze. Happy wrapped his arms around me, his fingers trailing up and down my arm. "I missed you," he whispered, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. I felt a pang at the bottom of my stomach. "I missed you too," I whispered. Absence did make the heart grow fonder. Gone was all the anger I had towards Happy, in it's place was a melancholic feeling. "Let's go upstairs and talk to her. Afterwards, we can go out and grab something to eat," he said.

I nodded, unwrapping myself from him. I glanced down at my watch, doing a double take at the time. "I'm gonna have to call Chibs. See if he can take Andy," I said. I stood up from the bench and moved a few feet away, as I dialed his number. "Hey," I said, breathlessly, silence filling the conversation. We very rarely spoke on the phone. choosing to communicate through text messages and either Gemma or Wendy. "What's going on?" He asked. "Can you pick up Andy at day care? My car is in the garage, keys are in the kitchen," I said. He had a copy of the house keys, just in case for emergencies. "Where are you?" He asked. "Charming. I'm dealing with... some things," I said, not sure how to explain everything. I heard him sigh, a lighter flicking in the background. "Will you be in town tonight?" He asked. It was stupid of me to nod, as if he could see me. "Yeah. I can pick him up later on if you want me to," I replied. I knew he just wanted to keep tabs on me in Charming, make sure I didn't run into him or Jarry. "Fine. See you later." And with that he was gone.

I turned back to Happy, who was waiting patiently on the bench. I walked over to him, stretching a hand out to him. He stood up, grabbing it, his fingers intertwining with mine. We walked in silence towards the building, but it was a comfortable silence. One of support and understanding. Having him here, it was comforting, made me feel like no matter what happened in that room, I would be okay. The world would continue to spin, and my life would go on. I paused at the hospital room door, Happy's hand finding it's home on my lower back. "It's okay," he whispered, as he opened the door and led me in into the dark room.

She was awake this time, eyeglasses nestled on the bridge of her nose. "Yes?" She asked, putting down the newspaper she was reading. Her eyes flew to Happy, landing on his cut. "You must be one of Emmerson's boys," she said, folding the newspaper and pulling her eyeglasses off of her nose. Emmerson was my dad. I stepped in front of the bed, as Happy turned the lights on in the room. "He died, about a year ago," I said, watching her face closely. She frowned, nodding her head. She showed no real emotion other than that. "Sad to hear that. He was a good man," she said.

Delia cleared her throat and nodded at me and Happy. "What brings you guys by then?" She asked. I scoffed. "You don't remember? You were running your mouth when they brought you in. Sheriff found your next of kin," I said, standing straight and facing her. A look of shock appeared on her face, as she looked me up and down. "Jessie? Is that you baby girl?" She asked. I lunged at her, aiming to wrap my hands around her throat, but Happy was quicker. He stepped in front of me, shaking his head, one hand on my stomach. "Don't do this, Jess," he said, glancing back at her.

I stumbled backwards, falling into the chair. I crossed my legs, and stared at her. "You look so nice. All grown up. Look at you, all dressed up," she said, a hand over her mouth. She looked like she was absolutely amazed with me. If Happy wasn't standing between us, I would've jumped at her again. He turned towards her, his voice low and deep. "What are you doing back in Charming?" He asked. She shifted her line of vision back to him. "What are you? Her husband? Don't tell me you let your daddy rope you into the life," she said, finishing her sentence with her eyes on me.

I rolled my eyes, as Happy reached over and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him. "You're dealing with me now. Don't you talk to her," he said. She pulled her chin away, her face fierce with age. "Somethings never change in this damned town," she muttered. Delia drew in a deep breath and glared up at Happy. "I came back to town to reconnect with old friends and family," she said. I laughed. Oh my god, we were practically the same person. "You don't have any friends or family in this town," Happy spat out, taking a step back from her.

We could see each other clearly now, our eyes meeting and locking. "I'm dying. I need a new liver," she whispered, her face sad. My heart froze. I never thought about it. I never imagined my mother being dead. This entire time she had been out of my life, I just assumed she had gotten married. She had a new life and family somewhere out there in the world. We were just never good enough for her. I never pictured her dead, incarcerated, or lost. Just alive and happy somewhere else. And here she was now, dying. Right before my very eyes. "And? You think I'm going to give you mine?" I said, my voice flat, my face straight.

She had the audacity to nod her head. I stood up, slinging my purse over my shoulder. I walked up to her slowly, my body vibrating with rage. "How dare you! You might as well start making the funeral arrangements, because I would rather stab myself in the eye than give you 5 minutes of my day, let alone a piece of my liver!" I shouted at her. Delia looked up at me, her eyes wide. "You would let me die?" She whispered. "If you weren't already dying, I would kill you myself," I spat out, before turning on my heel and heading towards the door. "Enjoy the hospital grade drugs."

"I'm sorry, for everything. I just couldn't do it, be a wife. Settle down. I had to go. I did what I thought was best. He was willing to give you a home, a life. I couldn't take a baby with me on the road," she said. I stopped in my tracks, listening to her speak. I scoffed, thinking about how I had those same thoughts when I was pregnant with Andy. I was more lost than her, and I still managed to make the right decision. I still managed to raise a child on my own, at least she had a man by her side. I turned to face her, my face burning hot with unshed tears. "Do you know what they did to me? Do you know what my life was like? I was just a child," I said, before leaving the room.

I felt his presence behind me, as I left the room, as I made my way outside. He stood silently behind me, watching guard as I leaned against my truck and cried silently. When I was done, he handed me a napkin, not saying a word. Happy held me, until I calmed down. Until everything in the world began to make sense again and my vision was no longer blurry. I pulled away from him, my face moist with tears. "Thank you," I said, "for being here." He nodded, pushing back strands of hair from my face.

We drove to a diner, each in our separate cars. As we drove, I texted Chibs the address, so that he could drop off Andy. We slid into a booth, my mind still in absolute shock at what just happened. "What's going through your mind?" He asked, after we ordered drinks. I put down my menu and stared at him, shaking my head. "Nothing. Nothing in my head makes sense right now, Hap. I am completely lost," I muttered. He nodded his head, leaning forward and taking my hand.

"We can go back there, sit down and talk to her," he said. I scoffed. "I can't. I don't even know where to begin. What to believe. She could be spewing lies about everything, and I wouldn't even know. Dad is gone, Clay is gone, Piney is gone," I said. Happy nodded and squeezed my hand. "There's only one person who is as old as this town, that might be able to shed some light," he said. I rolled my eyes, pulling my hand away from him. "Gemma?" I asked. He nodded.

I thought about it, she might know a few things about what happened back then. She was as old as time. "Just try to talk to her," he said. Yeah, right. Talk to the devil itself. As I opened my mouth to speak, Chibs pulled up to the diner in my car. I smiled at Happy, as I got up and made my way outside. I approached the car, just as he was unbuckling Andy from his car seat. "Hey," I said.

Chibs wasn't looking at me, his eyes trained on Happy. "What's going on?" He asked, as he passed Andy to me. I kissed him on the cheek, rubbing the top of his head and placing him on my hip. "Nothing, just going through some stuff," I said, glancing up at Chibs. He stared at me solemnly, crossing his arms across his chest, and leaning against the car. "Since when do you keep me out?" He asked. Here was jealousy rearing it's ugly head again.

I shook my head and found his eyes. "Not keeping you out. Just dealing with some stuff. We still need boundaries, Chibs," I said. He nodded towards Happy and spat on the floor. "And he doesn't?" I scoffed. "He doesn't have a girlfriend," I responded. Chibs nodded and pulled away from the car, facing me. "It's getting late. Do you need me to escort you back to Stockton?" He asked. This was his way of finding out how long I would be in town. I shook my head.

"Not sure yet. Might crash in town, if anything," I said. His eyes stared at me, sighing softly. "With him?" He asked. I held Andy tighter to me, and reached out and ran my hand down Chibs' arm. "Thanks for picking him up. I really appreciate it," I said, ignoring his question. I don't know if he took it as a yes or a no, but he pulled away from me. He nodded in my direction, adding a small smile, and climbed back into my car. I watched as he pulled out and sped off, mentally kicking myself. I never intended to give him the impression that Happy and me were back on, but I wasn't going to stand there and justify his inquiry. We had gone separate ways to allow each other to breathe, to move on. It was interactions like this that reminded me why we had done so in the first place.

Because no matter what, we somehow managed to find ourselves back together.

* * *

><p>Andy lay asleep in Happy's bed, he had fallen into a food coma after inhaling two pancakes in the diner. The bedroom door was shut and our voices were hushed, as we rushed to climax. I fell onto his chest, our bodies sweaty and sticky. I didn't think twice about it, as soon as he grabbed me and kissed me, I fell into a trance. It was rather easy you see, to drown my sorrows in this man. I knew him, his every flaw, his ups and downs. He knew mine. There was no pretending between us, there was just action.<p>

He ran a hand down my back, as I straddled him on that kitchen chair, his mere presence soothing away all of my worries. "You should see Gemma tomorrow, before you go back to Stockton. You should see your mother," he whispered. I pulled away from him, finding his eyes. "And do what? Forgive her?" I said, an incredulous look on my face. Happy shrugged, his chest glistening with sweat. "You fought so hard to be forgiven. You are still fighting for that second chance. At least give her 10 minutes of your time. She's dying, Jessie," he said.

I climbed off of him, standing in his kitchen facing him naked. "She's already dead to me, Hap. What does she expect me to do? Forgive her, and then hand over half of my liver?" I scoffed, grabbing Happy's shirt off the floor and slipping into it. He sat in silence, watching me. "You forgave me, right?" He asked moments later. I stared at him, trying to find the right words to describe what I was feeling. I walked to the other side of the table, sliding down onto the empty chair.

I couldn't face him. For the 20th time today, I held back tears. "No. I don't think I forgave you," I said, my voice breaking. "I think with time I learned to live with the pain. I blocked it all out and secluded myself in Stockton. There are times when I want to reach out to you, Happy, but then there are dark and trying times when I regret it all," I whispered. "Can I forgive you? Yes. Will I be able to forget? Will I move on past that pain? No. I carry that with me, every time I'm alone and I want to reach out to you. Every time I see that ring, or I think about actually settling down."

He leaned back in his chair and stared at the floor. He sat silent for a while, and I knew it wasn't because he didn't know what to say. It was because he was sad. After a few moments, he lifted his head up towards me, tears sliding out of his eyes. "I wish I could forgive myself, Jess, but I can't. I've done a lot bad things, I've killed a lot people. And I guess that was the price I paid. Karma," he said, quietly. I stood up and walked over to him, kneeling in front of him. I held his head in my hands as he cried. "I close my eyes at night and I see you lying there, dying. I wake up and I feel this heaviness on my chest," he said.

I kissed the top of his head softly, as he hung his head in shame. I lifted it up, smiling at him. "I'm okay, Happy. You are my emergency contact on everything. If anything ever happened to me, I know you would be there. I know you would pick up the pieces again. Believe it or not, you are still a big part of my life. I carry you with me, wherever I go," I said. He fingered the necklace around my neck, his ring still on it. "You're always with me too," he said, as he wrapped his hand around mine. He dragged it to his rib, where I could feel the raised skin. I looked down at his side, where my name laid tattooed into his skin. I kissed it gently, loving him even more.

We stayed up that night, reminiscing about all of the good times, until the sun came up. Heavy cigarette smoke lingered in the air, as I climbed onto the couch, nestling my body into his. We watched the sun rise through his living room window, wishing that this moment would last forever. But it wouldn't, and we were okay with that. We were okay with just sitting in the silence that was our new relationship.


	34. Ignorance

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirty-Four: **Ignorance

I climbed out of the truck, sliding my sunglasses onto my face. I had managed to dig out a pair of old jeans from the backseat of my car, pairing it with one of Happy's old v-necks. I stood in front of the truck, my hand still holding onto the handle, as I stared into the ground in front of me. I had flashbacks of that day, the day I got shot. The sound of screeching tires filled my ears and I could faintly smell blood. A hand on my shoulder snapped me out of my daze, as I jumped and turned to face the person. Jax.

I threw him a soft smile, before wrapping my arms around him. It was a weird interaction for me. I had spent so much of my time in Charming, second guessing him, but now I felt at home with him. "How are you?" He asked. I shrugged, pulling away from him. "Alive and kicking," I replied, as we walked through the parking area of Teller-Morrow. "What about you?" I said, stopping and facing him. He shrugged in return, throwing me one of his sly smiles. "Living life. How are things in Stockton?" He asked. I nodded, smiling at him. "They are actually pretty good. It's a change of scenery, something different. Did me some good," I replied.

"It's weird, huh? To be back here?" He said, a sad look in his eyes. I nodded, glancing around the lot. "Yeah. I can still smell the blood," I said, running a hand over my face. "I'm sorry, for everything that has happened to you here. I know that this wasn't what you were expecting when you came back home." I looked at him, smiling at him. "I know, I didn't. But I gained a lot of strength from everything that has happened," I replied.

"Wendy said your mom is here," I said, motioning to the garage's office. He nodded, flicking the cigarette he was smoking away. "I heard through the grapevine that your mother has decided to make an appearance in Charming," he said. I sighed, scowling. "Yeah, tell Jarry I said thanks for that," I spat out. He placed a hand on my elbow and gave me a small smile. "Let me know if you need anything. I know how crazy mothers can be," he said, before walking away.

I stared after him, agreeing with him. He had the craziest of them all. I turned back to the garage, making my way to the door and knocking loudly. I pushed open the door and found Gemma head down in a pile of paperwork. She raised her head, pulling off her eyeglasses. "Jessie Mae," she said, tossing her glasses onto the desk. "Hey, Gemma," I said, closing the door behind me and plopping down into the couch.

"You're a sight for sore eyes," she said, turning in her chair towards me. I glassed down at the wrinkled clothes and shrugged. "I need your help, Gemma," I said, getting straight to the point. She raised an eyebrow at me, leaning back into her chair. "Please do tell," she sang. I sighed, leaning back into the couch and staring at her. "I'm sure you heard, Delia Mae is back in town," I said.

Gemma nodded, pursing her lips. "I know. I heard she's not doing so well," she replied. I nodded, trying to compile a list of questions. "I know you, Gemma. If there's anything going on in Charming, you're all over it. You know all the deepest, scariest secrets this town has. So I need you to tell me mine," I said. She glanced around the office, her eyes landing back on me. "I don't think you want me to go there, sister."

I scoffed. "I need to know the truth about this woman, it's not like I can trust her. What mother leaves her child behind? Would you have done the same thing?" I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, reaching into my bag for a cigarette. I lit it and took a slow drag, trying to relax my nerves. "No, I wouldn't have," she said softly. I watched Gemma fidget in her seat, before she opened her mouth again to speak.

"Things were bad back then. Charming and SAMCRO was like the old wild west. It was all about territory and power, right when they were starting grow. When I met your mother, that's what she was looking for too. She only hanged out with whoever had the most power, tried for Clay but he wasn't interested in her. John wouldn't even look her way if he didn't want me to put her and him in a body bag. For a while, there was rumor that you were Clay's kid. When your father stepped up and took her in, they stopped. No one was going to embarrass an honorable man like Emerson. They met, he fell in love, but she was only looking for a title. Since John and Clay weren't interested, she went for the next best thing, sergeant at arms.

We all knew it wasn't going to last. Even after he gave her a home, money, a title, she still didn't stop partying. She never gave up being a sweet butt. There were many times when he would go down to whatever party was going on and have to drag her home. You spent many days at the neighbors, the babysitter's house. It didn't matter, she never gave up the life. She was too caught up in the sex, drugs, and alcohol. So when she left, no one worried. No one bothered to think twice. She had done it before, always came home when the money and alcohol dried up. A week turned into a month, a month into two, and then pretty soon you were turning three."

I listened quietly, trying to memorize every word. When she paused in her story, I looked up at her. "It sounds like you're describing me to a tee," I replied, sadly. Gemma sighed, smiling sadly at me. "Emerson did the best he could. We all knew it was rough on him, we saw him struggle to balance it all. A kid at home, no wife, sergeant at arms for the club. We all tried to help out as much as we could, but when the club calls, you can't ask it to call back later. So I know you were placed in very difficult environment, one that I'm sure screwed you up for life. We all knew it- you were constantly at the clubhouse, the women, the violence. We all knew you were there for all of it, even if you can't remember it. So don't blame yourself for the way you are now. Emerson raised a girl, as a man. No one would've come out of that situation differently, no one honey."

Tears began to slide down my face, as I nodded. "I lived in constant fear, Gemma. That he would never come home, that I would die in the closet I used to hide in. At one point, I dragged my mattress in there, to hide from the yelling and screaming. To get away from the smell of blood," I whispered. I loved my father. I thanked him everyday for keeping me, for not turning me out onto the street like a whore. Gemma stood up, walking over to me and sitting down next to me. "You're street smart kid. You grew up and got yourself out of Charming. You raised a beautiful baby boy. You're not perfect, we all like to drink, smoke, and fuck more than the rest. It's what this town was built on. The right to do as you please. So don't blame yourself for making some mistakes along the way. You didn't know any better."

I scoffed. "I'm one abandoned child away from becoming my mother, Gemma," I cried. Gemma threw an arm around me, rubbing my shoulder gently. "Mothers raise their children. They care for them, they look out for them. Delia is not your mother. Emerson was mother and father to you. She never earned the right to that title, the right to create a path for you to follow. You know that. You're an amazing mother. She had what you didn't. She had the support of the club, the town, and your father. You did it all on your own, sweetheart. You are better than her. You are nothing like her." I nodded, wiping the tears from my face.

She stared into the distance sadly, as if a movie was playing out in front of her eyes. "Your daddy bought you a pair of sapphire studs when you were born. He had your ears pierced and they never took them off of you. Except when she left. She cleaned your daddy's bank account out, stole his secret stash, and those earrings you were wearing. She was never a mother. She drank during her entire pregnancy. You were the smallest thing ever born. They had you in the NICU for about a month after you were born. Emerson stayed by your side the entire time. She on the other hand, couldn't be bothered with it. That is not a mother. You would never put Andy directly in harms way."

That brought even more tears to my eyes. All of these years, I had resented my childhood. I had wished I could've had a better one, but I just realized that I did have the best one. Daddy could've thrown me out on the street, or he could've returned me to her. But he tried at least, while she didn't. "She came back to Charming because she needs a new liver. I'm assuming she wants me to give her some of mine," I whispered. Gemma scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"She ask you to help her?" She asked. I shook my head. "No. I wasn't the most pleasant when I saw her. Happy talked to her. Asked why she was back in Charming. She just said she was dying. Needed a new liver." Gemma nodded her head slowly, standing up and facing me. "So what are you going to do?" She asked me. I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know if I'm comfortable with giving her a piece of myself. If I can save her life after everything she did. She never bothered to worry about mine." She tapped her foot in front of herself, mulling over what I said.

"That's a cross only you will have to carry, sweetheart. Just remember, it's a slippery slope to hell," she said, a scowl on her face. I stood up from my seat, brushing my hands on the back of my jeans. I threw my bag over my shoulder and hugged her. Yes, I hugged her and didn't actually catch on fire. "Thanks, Gemma," I whispered, before parting. She nodded at me, as I exited her office and began to walk back to my truck. I had a lot of thinking to do, my mind a blur as I walked.

* * *

><p>My phone vibrated and I dug around in my purse for it. Danny. I ignored the call, I felt a bit guilty for doing so. It was 4th one since I came back to Charming. I didn't bother to listen to the voicemails or respond to the text messages. I needed to focus on what was going on right now. I squatted down, after pocketing the phone, and stared at my father's headstone. I heard the far away rumble approaching.<p>

I looked back over my shoulder, finding Chibs pulling up to the curb. I sighed, standing up and facing his direction. It took him a few moments to walk over, his sunglasses shielding his eyes. "How did you know where to find me?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. This was my haven. He pulled his gloves off, shoving them into his pocket. "Gemma, but mostly Jax," he said, walking over to the headstone. He stood behind me, his hand touching the headstone. "Good man."

I turned to face him, silent. "Jax told me about your mother. You okay?" He asked. I shrugged. "There's not much to be okay about. I'm just trying to figure it out as I go along," I replied. He turned towards me, a frown on his face. "How come you didn't come to me?" He asked. I rolled my eyes, of course he would make this about himself. I shrugged once again. "I just needed someone who would listen, and not make this out to be about something else. Someone who would just be there to support me no matter what." In other words, you're too self centered.

"And I'm not that person for you anymore?" He asked. Chibs leaned against the headstone, crossing his arms and ankles. I hung my fingers in my pockets, trying to conjure up the right words. "You're not," I said, simply. "With you, I have to watch myself. Watch what I do, what I say, because I don't want it coming back to bite me in the ass. Because I don't want it to lead to something more, something else that I can't have. With Happy, it just is what it is. I call, he comes. He's not making this out to be more than what it is. For example, I needed a friend, and I'm sure that the only thing you can think about right now is that I called him, not you. That I'm fucking him and not you," I said.

He sat silent. "Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong. That the thought didn't cross your mind before you asked why was I back in Charming. What could possibly be so wrong that it brought me back here." I waited in silence, as he said nothing. I scoffed, shaking my head softly. "That's why I didn't call you, Chibs." The more and more I interacted with him, with my clothes on, the more I was starting to think he was an asshole. He continued to stare at me in silence. "Go ahead, you know you want to ask," I whispered, giving up.

"Where did you spend the night?" He asked, quietly. "In his house. On his lap. In the kitchen. On the couch." I replied, my head held high and my voice firm. I wanted to hurt him, I admit it. I was mad at the fact that he didn't even care about me. He only cared about who I was banging, making sure it wasn't anyone but him. He couldn't have his damn cake and eat it too. I wouldn't let him. "Where was Andy?" I responded, I wasn't afraid of him. "In the bedroom. Asleep."

Chibs moved quickly, walking up to me and getting in my face. His chest rose and fell fast, as his breathing quickened. I didn't back down, I faced him. "You were fucking him while he slept in the next room?" He asked, spittle flying out of his mouth, as he jabbed his finger into my chest. "Where does he sleep when your fucking her? Huh? Does he magically transport home for the 5 minutes you can get it up?" I said, cocking my head to the side. I jabbed him back in his chest for dramatic effect. "You don't have a claim on me, Filip. I left because I was tired of playing second fiddle to Jarry. So unless you're going to put a ring on my finger, and move me back to Charming, back off. Build a mountain and get the fuck over me!"

He reached out and grabbed me by my throat, staring intently into my eyes. I clawed at his hand, as he drew me closer, and tried to kiss me. I slapped the sunglasses off of his face, as he let me go. "You're a fucking coward!" I said, rubbing my neck. "You can't admit it to yourself, that you dug yourself a hole you can't get out of. You want me- just say it. You want me but you need Jarry. Say it!" I yelled. I got into his face, yelling at him. "Fine! I want you!" He yelled back. I shoved him away from me and laughed. "You can't have me!" I yelled, a smile on my face, as I taunted him. "You can't have me because you have to earn me! You can't have me because there are other men out there in the world, that are more man than you'll ever be, that aren't afraid to love me!"

"Is that what you want? A god damn ring? Little good that did you and Happy. Did Danny give you one too?" He yelled. I slapped him. I slapped him so hard that my hand vibrated. "You see," I said, my voice small. "All you do is hurt me. All you do is bring up the past and dig at me." Chibs grabbed at his cheek, facing me. "Why can't you just let me be happy? Why can't you just wish me well?" He scowled, dropping his hand and shaking his head. "Because I don't want you to. I want you to be as miserable as I am!" He shouted back.

I took a step back and laughed at him."It's moments like this I'm happy I moved out of Charming, because I know that if I had stayed, you would've made me as miserable as you are. Enjoy your pitiful life, Chibs," I said, turning on my heel and walking towards my truck. I heard the crunching of leaves behind me, as he followed. I climbed into the truck, Chibs standing there looking at me. I didn't even bother to look back as I drove off.


	35. Settling

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirty-Five: **Settling

I sat in the hospital's cafe for a while, summoning the courage to walk upstairs. Almost half a pack of cigarettes later, the elevator doors opened and I walked onto the floor. I began to make my way towards her room, when her door opened and Jarry stepped out. I stopped in mid-stride, rolling my eyes and drawing in a deep breath. She stood before me, slapping her notebook shut and shoving it into her pocket. "Well, hello there," she said, throwing me a fake smile.

I pursed my lips, nodding at her. "Hey," I spat out, against my will. It was almost like she cornered me against the hospital wall, her hands at her belt, while I crossed my arms over my chest. "I see the hospital managed to get a hold of you," she said. I scoffed and rolled my eyes again. "Yeah, thanks for helping them out with that," I said, staring her down. Jarry shifted in her manly shoes and smirked. "I hope you guys can patch things up."

I nodded, trying to get away from her as soon as possible. "We'll see," I muttered. She stood in front of me and sighed. "What happened? That night he went to Stockton. I know it was to see you," she said, stepping closer to me. My eyes flicked towards her, an eyebrow raised. "What are you talking about? Listen, I'm doing my time and staying away from him, as promised," I replied. She looked at me, as if she knew something I didn't know. "What is it, Jarry? What is that you think I did?"

She leaned towards me, her face straight. "You think I don't know that the two of you are still carrying on? Behind my back and the club. You said you were going to back off!" She said, jabbing me in the chest. I pushed her back, looking around to see if anybody was watching us. She pulled on her vest, rearranging it. "Jesus, woman! I am not fucking him. I have a boyfriend!" I exclaimed. Jarry took a step back and nodded slowly, a look of clarity on her face.

"So that's what happened? He found out you have a boyfriend," she said, scoffing. I stared at her, wondering what the hell she was going on and on about. "Ever since he went to Stockton that night, he barely comes home anymore. Spends the nights God knows where. And when he is home, he doesn't even look like he's enjoying it," she said. I hid a small smile from her, leaning against the wall. She deserved it and so much more. Part of me was happy that he was distracted with me. The man was really jealous. First Daniel, now Happy. I was on fire on the inside.

"Well, prepare yourself, because it's only going to get worse. He knows I spent the night in Charming, at Happy's," I said, all giggly on the inside. Jarry practically growled at me, as she shoved me against the wall. She took a step back, breathing in and out deeply. I smirked at her, my purse sliding down my shoulder and hitting the floor. She ran a hand over her face as I watched her. "There's not much I can do for you, sister. I left town. I have a new man. If Chibs is hung up on me, it must be because that pussy isn't working as hard as it used to. Maybe you should offer him a discount on next month's payment."

She lunged for me, and I shoved her back. Hospital staff began to stare at us, stopping in the hallway to watch. She fixed her hair, waving off the staff. When they walked away, she turned towards me, her finger in my face. "You think I don't know that everyone thinks I'm doing it just for the money? I love him! And he loves me! It's just that shit is complicated," she said. I laughed in her face, shrugging. "So then why aren't you telling him that? Telling me ain't going to do jack shit for you."

Jarry took a step back, her chin quivering. She held her hand up, trying to gather herself. She was unraveling rather quickly. "You see, that feeling you're experiencing? Those emotions that are ripping you apart? I went through that when he chose you. When he told me that you were talking about kids and a future. I died on the inside, and then I got my shit and left Charming. I gave you everything you wanted, sweetheart. Now it's up to you to make him want it too." I grabbed my purse off the floor and sauntered away, heading towards Delia's room.

I slammed the room door shut behind me, not caring if she was sleeping or not. I walked over to the bed, throwing my bag at her feet. She peeled her eyes off of the television, reaching over for the remote control and turning it off. "I didn't think I would see you ever again," she said, sitting up in bed. I rolled my eyes, walking over and plopping down onto the chair. My heart was still pumping from my run in with Jarry. I sat in silence watching her.

"If you're here to tell me to get out of town, don't bother. Your little friend, Happy, came by to see me already. He read me the riot act," she said. I raised an eyebrow at her, surprised Happy came to see her. "He loves you, you know? He didn't say it, but I could tell. For a man in the club to threaten to kill someone, without it being club business- it must be true love." I nodded, leaning back into the chair and glaring at her. I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not. "I want to hear it. Whatever speech it is that you have drawn up to get me to save your life," I said.

I held my head up high, waiting for her to beg. Delia shrugged her shoulders, pulling up the hospital blanket up to her waist. "I don't have one. Mostly figured I would get by on my good looks and grace," she joked. I stared back at her, straight faced. "I'm kidding, but I really don't have one, sweetheart. I didn't even think you were still in town. I heard about how you left Charming a while back, disappeared off the face of the planet," she said. I raised an eyebrow at her, not believing her. "Lies!"

She shrugged and looked at me. "Yes, I left town long before you did, but I still called your father every so often. He would curse me out, yell and scream, and then he would grunt a few words about how you were still alive, no thanks to me," she said. I scoffed, nodding. " You're right about that," I said. Delia turned towards me and looked longingly. "I suppose you have your ideas of what it is that I did. I'm sure you've heard the stories," she whispered. I drew in a deep breath, wanting to kick myself for what I was about to say. "I have. I've lived them. I want to hear it from you," I replied, quietly.

Delia Mae shifted in her seat, rearranging the bed sheets nervously. She stared off into the far distance, gathering her thoughts I could only assume. "I was young, probably around 16 or 17 when my parents kicked me out on to the streets. Charming was all that I knew. I didn't have any real job skills at that point, only thing I knew how to do was party. So I did just that, I think you guys call them crow eaters or sweet butts. SAMCRO was the only thing alive and kicking in this town back then. You either sided with them or you spent your days aging slowly. So I chose to live my life. Back then, I was young and stupid, I lived one moment at a time. Never had any real sense of direction. Just went where the day took me.

So I started hanging out at the clubhouse, hooking up with different guys, partying every night, sleeping all day. And then I met Emerson. He was a gentleman, a real man. Didn't beat his women, came home every night. Everyone said I was a whore, for trying to find someone to take care of me, but I just didn't want to go back out on the street. I didn't have anywhere to go. So I let Emerson take me in. We dated for a while, I knew he had fallen in love with me, but I wasn't in love with him. I loved him, but it was a different type of love. So when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared shitless. I knew it wasn't his, we never had sex. He was a gentleman through and through. Didn't care I was carrying another man's child, he was excited at the idea of having a family.

But I wasn't. I was scared. I lived in eternal fear, the idea of him never coming home from one of his rides. The idea of a newer, younger girl coming along and sweeping him off of his feet. So I acted out, trying to secure the next, better thing in my life. I knew I was wrong, I don't deny it. I knew I couldn't hold on to everything, I couldn't wait for him to leave me, kick me out like my parents did. I didn't know how to be a mother, a wife. My mother wasn't much of one, she was always holed up in her church, did no such thing called parenting. So I left, before Emerson regretted it all. And I left you too, because I couldn't raise you. I couldn't take you on the road and give you a life of misery, like mine. You deserved a home, the one Emerson could provide you."

I sat in silence, listening to her speak. The story some what matched up with what Gemma had said. What the rumors said. Her story resembled mine in so many ways. "Who is my father?" I asked, wringing my hands together. Delia sighed softly, her chin quivering. "Back then, I was loose. I would throw myself at any warm body that would have me. That would give me a roof over my head and drinks for the night. So when he took me in, I guess he didn't know about me, about Emerson. He almost ripped me in half that night, and then by the morning he was gone. I never thought about him again, until I saw him in town. He denied it up and down, wanted nothing to do with me. But he didn't say anything to Emerson. He kept his mouth shut about it." I leaned forward on my elbows, staring intently at her. "Who was he, Delia?"

She sighed again, nodding slowly. "Clay. Your father's name was Clay," she whispered. I nodded, leaning back into my seat. Clay Morrow. I barely remembered him, but what little I knew about him was that he was a mean bastard. Delia began to cry quietly, and all I could do was sit there and watch her. "I'm so sorry, Jessie," she cried. I sighed, rolling my eyes. The waterworks wasn't doing much for me. "Do you know what I went through? You should've just smothered me in my sleep if you knew you were going to leave. If you knew you were going to leave me to be raised by men," I spat out at her. She cried harder, her face contorting. "I know, I know. I am so sorry." I stood up from my seat, walking over to her, slowly. Delia looked up at me, her eyes wide.

I reached out and grabbed her by the throat, squeezing tightly. She didn't fight me, she just watched me, her eyes wet and wild. It was then I realized she was willing to die. I dropped my hands, leaning forward, inches away from her face. "Do you know what they did to me? All the nights I cried as they touched me? All the days I spent washing blood out of my underwear?" I spat in her face, and walked away, my body shaking. That was the first time I had ever acknowledged it so openly.

I sat back down in the chair, my hands shaking. She kept muttering her apologies, over and over again. I watched her, as she cried. "I fell in love, got married young. Daddy walked me down the aisle. He was a club member, died a while a back. I got in bed with another club member, and then his brother. I ended up getting knocked up and had to leave town. My son's name is Andy. We came back to town so he could meet his father. I live in Stockton now, where I work for the police department. I live a very normal life, mother. Something you never gave me, I gave it to myself. So I don't need your apologies now, it's too late for them. They won't comfort me, they won't tuck me in at night and they won't help me be a better mother, a wife."

I stood up, grabbing my purse from the foot of her bed and throwing it over my shoulder. "And no, I won't give you my liver. You can sit here and die in this bed for all I care, just how my childhood died. Don't call me, don't try to find me. I won't come and if you try to reach out to me, I'll have Happy come by and speed up the process for you," I said, quietly. Delia's eyes never left my face, as I talked. I turned on my heel and left the room, letting the door swing shut behind me. I almost collapsed as I walked onto the elevator.

* * *

><p>I knew Happy would come home eventually, he was a creature of habit. I sat in the dark corner of his room, on the floor, crying. Seeing her, talking to her, brought out all of these emotions. He dropped down next to me, his arms holding me tight as I cried loudly. I felt like I was crying out my soul. He rocked me back and forth, as I clawed at his shirt. Happy sat silently with me, watching over me as I cried. He rubbed my lower back until my voice was hoarse, the tears stopping all together.<p>

We sat in the darkness and the silence for a while, neither saying anything. The silence only broken by my cell phone ringing. I sat up, pulling myself away from him, wiping the tears off of my face. I looked up at him, I'm sure my face looked a splotchy mess. Happy reached over and smiled at me, brushing back the strands of hair that were stuck to my forehead. "You went to see her?" He whispered. I nodded slowly, standing up from the floor. "So did you. She told me." Happy nodded, looking up at me, his face soft.

"There's some takeout in the kitchen. Why don't you get cleaned up while I heat it up?" He said, standing up and disappearing down the hall. I jumped into the shower, running the water hot enough to turn my skin red. I appeared in the kitchen later on, my wet hair dripping. "I told her, about everything," I said, stuffing my mouth with lo mein. He nodded, opening a beer and placing on the table. "She told me about everything." He sat in front of me, worry on his face, listening tenderly. It was moments like this I truly appreciated Happy's quiet nature. He was the best listener. "I can't help her, Happy. I blame her for so much," I said. He reached across the table and held my hand. "It's okay, you know. To be mad, to not want to get involved with her," he said. I nodded, squeezing his hand. "But is it okay to play a part in killing her? Even if it's indirectly?"

Happy leaned back into his chair, tapping his fingers on the table. "I've killed many men, and it doesn't get any easier. I close my eyes at night and I feel every kill. Just because I do it for the club, doesn't make it any better. I don't sleep at night, not like I used to. So I drink and fuck until I'm exhausted. Until I pass out," he said. I nodded, understanding him completely. "I started doing drugs to block it all out. The pain, the memories. I needed to forget all the times they came into my room. All the times they held me down," I said, lowering my eyes.

He leaned forward, his body deadly still. "Jessie Mae," he said, squeezing my hand. I pulled it away from him, sighing softly. I held back tears, afraid that if I started I wouldn't be able to stop. "No one knew, I'm sure no one thought they would be capable of anything like that. Hell, even I thought I could trust them," I responded. "Jess," he whispered, his voice sad. I shook my head, shaking away the tears. "It went on for a while, until I learned to shoot. Until I got my first gun. Once I started sleeping with it, they stopped coming to my room at night. They stopped cornering me in dark corners."

"I'm so sorry," he said, standing up and walking over to me. He tried to hug me, but I pushed him away. I stood up to face him and sighed. "I can't forget or forgive that she left me alone, left me to that fate," I said, walking out of the kitchen. He followed me, my cellphone once again ringing and breaking the silence around us. I walked to the coffee table, picking it up and sighing. Danny. I ignored the call again, throwing it back on the coffee table. "Who is he?" Happy asked.

I turned to face him, sighing once again. I held a hand to my forehead, glancing at him. "He's a friend," I said, quietly. Happy leaned against the living room doorway, crossing his arms across his chest. "You happy?" He asked. I almost melted at his question, as I sat down on the edge of the coffee table. Unlike Chibs, I hoped, Happy was actually looking for me to be satisfied in my life outside of Charming. "He's an okay guy, I guess. We are just starting out," I replied. He sighed. "He seems worried. Maybe you should call him. He clearly cares about you. The phone hasn't stopped ringing," he said.

I nodded, glancing over to my phone. "He does care, but he's not you. He's not Chibs," I said, sadly. Happy walked towards me, kneeling down in front of me. "You're right. He's not. And he's also not a criminal, he also probably keeps normal hours, can give you a normal life, comes home every night. He also probably doesn't have to call you to bail him out, or wash the blood out of his clothes," he said. I sat in silence, listening to him. He was right, Danny would be able to give me stability. Happy reached up and caressed my face. "I want you to be happy, Jess. If it's with me, then I'll be the happiest man on earth. With Chibs, then so be it. But I would rather you be safe, happy, and have a future with another man, then be stuck in Charming waiting for me to come home."

I placed my hand on his cheek, rubbing my fingers on him gently. "I'll always be here, Jessie. I'm not going anywhere, time has shown you that. I want you to have the future I can't give you. I want you to have a family, raise Andy in a good home. I want you to never have to cry again. I am man enough to admit that I can't give you that, not right now. So be with him, be happy, be a good mother," he whispered. I shook my head, but he grabbed my chin, forcing him to look at him. "I'm going to kiss you now, and then you're going to go home. You'll go home, because you know you can always come back another day, another month, another year," he said, his eyes staring into mine. I nodded slowly, as he dragged me down to him.

I fell on top of him, pulling my shirt off and facing him. He reached up, his hands grasping onto my breasts, as I leaned down and kissed him. I kissed him as if my life depended on it, as if this was the last time I would see him again. We spent the night like that, staring into each other's eyes as I rode him. I grinded my hips against his, his fingers digging into me, the necklace with the ring on it glistening in the light. I could feel his eyes on it, as it bounced up and down. And when I collapsed on top of him, his fingers rubbed the ring gently, as his other hand wrapped itself around me. Happy placed a kiss on the top of my head, as I inhaled his scent.

* * *

><p>I played with the necklace around my neck, as I waited for Chibs to pull into the diner's parking lot. We hadn't spoken since we saw each other in the cemetery, but I knew he had Andy when I went to Gemma's and didn't find him there. Wendy arranged the pick up, I refused to reach out to him. I waited patiently, smoking a cigarette, until my car pulled into the parking lot. He parked next to me, climbing out of the car, Andy asleep in his car seat.<p>

He closed the door behind him softly, leaning against it. I did the same, leaning against the truck's door. "We can switch cars. I'm heading back to Stockton tonight," I said, holding out the truck's keys. "My bikes in your garage," he said, as he took the keys from fingers. I nodded, avoiding his eyes. "I'm sorry for what happened at the cemetery," he said, quietly. I nodded again, my hands disappearing inside my jacket. "I saw Jarry, at the hospital," I whispered. He drew in a deep breath, crossing his arms across his chest. "She told you?"

"No, she screamed it at me. What's going on?" I asked, genuinely concerned. He shrugged. "I was hung up on it, seeing you in Stockton with this new life. No room for me," he said. "There's always room for you in my life, Chibs. Just not in the way you expect to be. Not in the way we both want you to be," I said. I thought about it. Even if I wasn't in Stockton, if Jarry wasn't in the picture, I would still be lost. To this day, I am still going back and forth between Happy and Chibs. But I was beginning to be disillusioned with Chibs, he was no longer perfect in my eyes. Happy was now starting to shine through, but he was right- I needed to move on with my life. I needed to offer Andy something better than what I had.

"I was okay with how things ended before I knew about him. I was okay with the idea of you being alone, because I somehow thought me and you would get back together. That we would be a family again. But I can't come between you and a new love, Jessie Mae. I can't take that from you. And then you came back to Charming, back to Happy. As if he had more of a chance than me," he replied. I nodded along as he spoke. "You're right, he does have more of a chance than you. I won't lie to you, Chibs. You've showed me how self centered you can be. You think the entire world revolves around you, but it doesn't. I let myself get dragged back under because you know me. You know my faults, you know my history, but I realized that, that won't keep us together. I didn't keep me and Happy together."

I thought about my next words carefully, not wanting to drag him under instead. "Here's a truth that's hard to swallow, you are a crutch to me, Filip. I carry a lot of demons with me, Chibs. You know that, you know them. I have a problem with sex, alcohol and drugs, and it's taken me a long time to accept that. I need help. Every time something goes wrong, I end up drowning in the emotions that come with you. I love you, Filip, and I'm sure that means the world to you right now. And trust me, it means the same to me, but I am in love with Happy," I said. Chibs stared at me intently. "What are you trying to say, Jessie Mae?"

I drew in a deep breath, fighting back tears, more out of fear than sadness. "I'm ready, Chibs. I am ready to let you go, and this time it's for real. This weekend back in Charming, showed me that we are different people now compared to before. I don't see myself with you anymore. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be with Happy," I whispered. I felt a release as I said it, as I admitted to Chibs that his time had passed. "I want you to be happy with Jarry, have that life we can't give each other. We are toxic when we are together."

I saw him blink back tears, as he struggled to look for words. Chibs cleared his throat and nodded. "I want the same for you," he said, after a while. We stared at each other, letting it al sink in. "I'm going back to Stockton and I'm going to give Danny an actual shot. Seeing my mother like that, alone, no friends and family- it woke me up. Neither one of us should end up like that," I said. He stepped towards me, hugging me tightly. I hugged him back, relishing that moment.

We pulled away, sad smiles on our faces. "I know I'm not on the best terms with her, but can you check in on her? I hate her and all, but I'd want to know what's going on with her. I can't be here with her, but she shouldn't die alone," I said. Chibs nodded, holding my hand to his chest. "You're a good girl, Jessie Mae," he said. Chibs placed a kiss on my forehead, squeezing my hand softly. We parted with no more words, us exchanging vehicles. It was almost bittersweet, as we parted ways. Some part of me was at peace, finally feeling like I had made a decision.

* * *

><p>I pulled into my garage, my headlight bouncing off of Chibs' motorcycle. I sighed softly, carrying a sleeping Andy into the house. I placed him on his bed, closing the bedroom door behind me. I had texted Danny when I entered the city limits, knowing he would be eager to see me. I wasn't surprised when I heard the doorbell ring, but I was when I found him drunk on my doorstep. Danny sauntered into my house, falling onto the couch. He sat there, his hands on his thighs, looking up at me.<p>

"I called. More than once," he said. I could hear him pacing his words, struggling to appear calm. I drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, as I sat down across from him. I nodded, glancing over at him. "I know and I'm sorry. I just needed to get away for a while," I replied. "From me?" He said. He sounded hurt. I pursed my lips, and shook my head. "My mom came back into town. That stirred up a lot of shit for me. I needed to take care of it," I replied.

He leaned back into the couch, his eyes never leaving me. "You okay?" He asked. Even in his drunken despair, he was still thinking about me. "Not really, but I will be," I replied, sadly. Danny nodded, reaching down and untucking his shirt. "I was worried shitless. I thought something had happened to you," he said. I stood up and walked over to him, sitting down next to him. "I missed you," he whispered, his hands finding their way to my thighs. "I missed you too," I said, as he leaned over and kissed me. It was true, I did miss him, but it wasn't that all-consuming type of being missed. It would've been nice to have him there, but I could go on without him.

Danny kissed me, dragging me onto his body. I could taste the liquor on his breath, he reeked of it. He grasped roughly at me, pulling at my shirt, until the buttons popped off. I pulled away from him, holding my shirt together. I shook my head, wiping my mouth. He looked at me longingly, a frown on his face. "I need you," he whispered, reaching out to me. I pulled away from him, his hands reaching out to me. "I'm not ready," I said, buttoning up my shirt.

He sighed loudly, his hand on his crotch. "I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I've followed all of your rules. I am the perfect boyfriend. I don't want to push, but I need some type of release here," he said. I cocked my head to the side, understanding his need. It's not that I didn't have the same needs, it's that I was pulling away from him in that sense. "I have a history, of sleeping with all of the men in my life, and that complicates things. We have a good thing going here, Danny," I said.

I faced him, putting my hand on his leg. He turned towards me, his face serious. "Answer me this, what happens another 6 months from now? A year? When do you plan on sleeping with me? Is this going anywhere? Because I pictured us together, like an actual couple. Maybe down the line we get married, have our own kids, move in together. Do you see that too? Or am I just keeping the bed warm for the guy that gave you that ring around your neck?" He asked.

I sighed, shaking my head. I don't know. I never thought about it. I was taking it one day at a day this entire time. Like my mother. I kept waiting for him to fuck up, I didn't want to get too excited and have him let me down like Happy. But there was a bigger issue in all of this, I didn't want to get married, I didn't want anymore children. I've already lost two kids and a husband, I couldn't lose anything else in my life. I didn't know if I could take it. "I've done a lot of bad things in my life, Danny. Things that would make you run the other way. I'm not wife material. I struggle with being a mother every day," I said, sadly.

I leaned back into the couch, kicking my feet up. "I've had two miscarriages so far. One because I was shot, the other- who knows why. I've already buried a husband, don't want to bury another one. So no, I don't see the same things you see down the line, because I don't want them. I wear this ring around my neck to remind me of the happiness I once had, the happiness I don't right now." I wear this ring to remind me of the man I love. Danny sat silent, staring at the floor in front of him. "Do we even have a future?" He whispered.

I reached out to him, taking his hand in mine. "Yes, we do. I honestly think we do, but it's not going to be full of children and wedding bells. I don't know if I can give you what you want, Danny. I can give you good times, home cooked meals, and good sex. But I can't give you forever," I replied. Because when Happy calls, I'll come running. He squeezed my hand back, his eyes finding mine. "What was his name? The guy that broke your heart? That guy that didn't make you believe in forever?" I shrugged, honestly thinking about it. "There was no one guy, Dan. Just people who came in and out of my life, people who damaged me."

Danny pulled my hand towards him, dragging the rest of me along with it. He placed two fingers under my chin, forcing me to look at him. "I won't damage you, Jessie. And if I ever do, tell me. Scream at me, but don't stop wanting me. Don't leave me out in the cold. I'm playing by your rules. I am jumping through all the hoops. I know I can't be the guy who has your heart, but I'll settle for just a piece of it," he whispered, drawing his mouth to mine. It that way he reminded me of my father, settling to just be a part of my life. He kissed me, my heart melting at his words. How did I always manage to find these guys, the ones that were always willing to love me unconditionally? The ones that didn't care if there were others, they just wanted to love me. So I let him.


	36. Strength

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirty-Six: **Strength

I froze in the parking lot, glancing down at the ground below me. I didn't know what came over me, but there I was in the middle the parking lot of Teller-Morrow, frozen. I could hear Danny talking to me, but it didn't matter, it was all a blur. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw fingers snapping in front of me, bringing me out of my daze. "You okay, sweetheart?" Gemma asked, placing a hand on my elbow. I nodded, absentmindedly, my eyes falling back to the ground. "Let's get you inside," she said, walking me to the entrance to the clubhouse. I held Andy tighter in my arms. I felt a small pang in my stomach, memories wrapping their arms around me just as tight.

I don't know why I thought coming to this Thanksgiving party was a good idea. I let the invitation sit on the coffee table for week, eyeing the pretentious card stock that Gemma chose, wondering if this was a good idea. I only decided to go after thinking about Andy. He should be with his father and his extended family during the holidays. I didn't want him to grow up without the same memories I did. I felt guilty at the thought of leaving Danny home alone during the holiday, so I sucked it up and invited him. Eventually he would get sucked into Charming also, at least it was on my own terms this time. My nerves were on edge as I imagined all the things that could possibly go wrong.

The get together was in full swing, as we stepped inside the clubhouse. Loud music pumped through the air, children were running everywhere as the adults milled around. Danny smiled at me, as I placed Andy on the ground, my stomach in knots. I watched as he ran off, disappearing into the crowd of children. Gemma appeared before me, pulling at my jacket. "Are you okay?" She asked, sounding genuinely concerned. I nodded slowly, but I wasn't really sure at this point. She handed me my clutch, my fingers gripping it tightly. I was somewhat numb to everything going on around me.

Gemma patted me on the shoulder before disappearing herself. Danny smiled at me softly, his face confused. "Are you okay? What's going on?" He asked. This was this entire side of me he didn't know, memories he would never be able to take part in. I shook my head, throwing him a soft smile. "Nothing, just bad memories," I said, shaking my head clear. I gave him a firm smile, trying to reassure him. He led me to the bar, where I ordered the biggest drink I could find. Actually, I ordered two. I downed them both, as soon as I saw Jarry and Chibs making their way towards me, the liquor burning a hole in my stomach. Perfect.

We turned to face them, the biggest smiles on our face. Mine was fake, but I'm sure that Danny's was real. That man genuinely liked people. While I avoided people in any way possible, he would go out of his way to say hell to you and engage you in a conversation. "Happy thanksgiving!" He said, reaching out and shaking Chibs' hand. I almost kicked him when he reached out and hugged Jarry. God, why did he have to be so nice to everyone? I nodded at them, after spitting out the same greeting. I saw Chibs' eyes roll back into his head. "You look nice," Jarry said, between gritted teeth. I'm sure Chibs made her promise to be nice. I could feel her eyes burning a hole in me. I did actually manage to look nice today. My hair was straight, my make up simple, as I sausaged myself into a black strappy dress. "You too," I spat out, now wanting to kick myself. I was under strict orders not to start any shit. Gemma made sure to call me to confirm that I would be complying with all orders.

"Jarry, Danny. Danny, Jarry," Chibs said, introducing themselves. I gave her the once over, deciding she looked somewhat decent. I could honestly see what Chibs saw in her, she cleaned up nice. She stood before me clad in a pair of dark jeans and a white button up, her hair loose and around her shoulders. Chibs on the other hand, left me speechless. He had slicked his hair back, was dressed in all black, and smelled marvelous. This version of him oddly reminded me of when we first started going out.

We stood awkwardly, facing each other, trying to come up with small talk to entertain ourselves. That pretty much went out the door soon enough, as Chibs and I turned to the bar and began to order drinks. Danny and Jarry began to talk with each other, I can only assume they were sharing cop stories. "I hate the fact that they are getting along," I muttered to Chibs, as I stared down in to the glass in my hand. I swirled the whiskey around the glass before downing it.

"Someone has to get along, keep the peace," he replied, downing his also. We drank in silence for a while, watching them get along so swimmingly. I nodded and said hello to party goers that I knew, but in reality, I was trying to avoid them all. As that very thought entered my mind, she appeared next to me, a small smile on her face. I did a double take as Delia appeared out of nowhere, her body slim and lost in a dress that was two sizes too big for her. I rolled my eyes, turning my body towards Chibs, my back towards her. "Hi, sweetheart. Happy thanksgiving!" She said, over my shoulder. I ignored her, staring intently at Chibs. "Just calm down," he said, as I drew in deep breaths.

Chips took the drink from my hand, placing it on the counter. He held my eyes, I'm sure trying to get me to reel myself in. I didn't want to see her. I didn't want her to be in my life, to pop up in any pictures, in any memories. I liked having her gone. "I met Andy. He's such a beautiful boy," she said, climbing onto a stool behind me. I jumped off of my stool, turning towards her, ready to lash out. Chibs was faster, as he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me away from her. "Babe, just go outside, cool off," he whispered in my ear, as he got between us, a hand held up towards Delia.

I could feel my blood boiling as I rushed out of the building, the cool air instantly making me feel better. I walked towards the same spot everything had changed, staring down at the ground below me. This was the very spot that my entire future had changed in. There I was, some what engaged with a future ahead of me, and then there was nothing. I was alone both on the inside and outside. To make things worse, Happy pulled into the garage lot then, arms wrapped around him. I pulled my eyes away from him and back down to the ground, not wanting to meet his. Happy always road alone. I could count the number of times I had been on his bike on one hand.

I pulled a cigarette out and lit it, trying to find a place to hide. I walked over to my car, leaning against the side of it, hoping the shadows hid me. I heard footsteps approaching, and I looked up to find Happy and Nurse Vicky in front of me. "Nurse Vicky?" I asked, as she reached out and intertwined her hand with Happy's. "Hey, Jessie! How are you?" She asked, a shit eating grin on her face. "I'm good," I replied, my eyes traveling to Happy's face. No, I wasn't. He looked at me stone-faced, his eyes seeking mine. "I didn't know you two knew each other," I said, hoping he was able to read between the lines. Vicky nodded, placing a hand on his arm. "Yeah, we met when he was visiting your mother in the hospital," she replied.

Oh, did you? I nodded, plastering a smile on my face, I'm sure my eyebrows were now on the back of my head. Happy turned towards her, smiling at her. "Can we get a minute?" He asked, his voice low. Vicky nodded at him, pulling herself away from him and walking towards the clubhouse. She waved at me as she walked away, a little too much pep in her damn step. Happy waited until she was inside before turning towards me, his eyes on the ground. "I wanted to tell you," he began to say. I shook my head, not wanting to hear it. I had finally decided on Happy, I had finally decided to give him my heart. I knew I didn't have a claim to him, hell it was my idea to keep things like this, but I felt betrayed in that instance. "It's okay," I whispered, blinking back tears. My voice was sad, I felt like I had given up.

This was officially the worst Thanksgiving ever. He stood before me, silent and still, as if waiting for something to happen. "I'm lonely, Jessie. You showed me what it was like to have a family, to have someone to come home to every night. I didn't know I needed that in my life, to feel whole. I'm tired of the different women, the cold nights, the empty house. I needed a change," he said. I nodded, listening to him speak. I understood his need to have that and so much more, I too had found those things in Danny. I couldn't fault him for that, I could only wish him well. "It's okay," I repeated again, flicking my cigarette to the ground and beginning to walk towards the building.

"No, it's not," he said, stepping in my way, his hand on my stomach. I reached up and pulled the necklace off of my neck, dropping it into his hand. "Yes it is, Happy. Do you remember the last time we stood in this very spot? That's when everything changed for us. That's when we woke up from the dream we were in. We can't get back to that. It's okay, to want that again. I found those same things in Danny. It's now your turn with Vicky," I said, pushing past him.

"Did you? Are you 100% in love with him?" He stood with his back towards me, his head hung low, as I walked inside the building. I couldn't stop and answer his question, because if I did, I wouldn't lie to him. I would tell him, no. He was a warm body, someone to come home to at night, but I didn't love him. If I opened that door, there would be no coming back from it. I would tell him to leave Vicky, to run away with me. I would change the course of our lives, so I kept walking.

This had to be my personal hell. I walked up to the bar, ordering myself another drink. I needed this night to be over. I found the nearest table in the corner and sat down at it, trying to keep a smile on my face. I watched them all, they were so happy enjoying their holidays. I was so miserable, stuck in what was. In one corner was Chibs, Andy on his lap, sitting and talking to Jarry. In another, Happy and Vicky, talking and laughing. I stared at the drink in my hand, lost in my own thoughts.

Danny slid into the chair next to me, a hand on my thigh. "This wasn't what you thought it would be like, huh? Coming home?" He whispered, leaning forward. I nodded slowly. "I don't know what I thought it would be like, actually. I just thought it would feel like home again, but it doesn't. I feel like a stranger here, again," I replied. Danny nodded, listening to my story. "You're not wearing your ring anymore," he said, reaching over and running a finger tip across my neck. I was about to respond, when glasses began to clink. Gemma was summoning everyone to dinner. Everyone stood up and began to make their way towards the large tables, lined up throughout the room.

"It's not home anymore," I threw over my shoulder, a sad smile on my face. It truly wasn't anymore. We had all officially moved on with our lives. I felt like we were attending a funeral, my funeral, as we all sat down at the table staring at each other. Gemma went on and on, giving thanks about this and that, but all I could do was look around me in awe. I had such a torrid history with all of them, each one affecting me in different ways. But they were all a big part of my life, a big part of me. They made me who I was today.

I spent the majority of the night in silence, laughing and smiling whenever the occasion called for it. At the end of the night, I slid into my jacket again, sighing at the idea of finally being done with this night. As I zipped it up, I realized I wanted to cut ties with Charming, with everything that had happened in this town. I needed to really move on with my life, but there was one thing holding back. I sighed, walking over to Delia, Andy on her lap as she tickled him. I sat down next to her, my mouth pursed as I found her eyes.

"Fine, I'll do it," I said. Delia turned to me, her face in shock. "You'll do it?" She asked, her face turning red with emotion. "I'll do it," I repeated. She almost shrieked, pulling Andy closer to her and kissing him on the top of his head. Delia began to cry, her eyes never leaving me. "Thank you," she said, putting Andy down on the ground. I stood up, as she met me, her arms wrapping around me. I stood stiff, my hands never leaving my sides. I didn't know how to hug her, how to show emotion towards her, so I didn't. I just stood still and let her hold me.

She pulled away from me, tears streaming down her face. "I know you don't have to do this for me, but I am happy you are," she whispered, giving me a kiss on my cheek. I reached down and grabbed Andy's hand, nodding at her. "I'll contact the hospital and set everything up," I replied, before walking away. As we headed outside, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Part of me was proud to be saving her life, the other part felt like I was betraying myself. It didn't matter anymore, all that was important to me was in Stockton.

* * *

><p>I shoved the pamphlets in my purse, glancing around my bedroom to see if I left anything out. It was the day before my surgery, and I was trying to hold everything together. Danny was running around like a mad man, packing bags for Andy and me, loading the car. I was headed to Charming, spending the night at Gemma's with Wendy. One week in the hospital after the surgery, and another 6 to 8 weeks of healing. I had started upon a long, winding road.<p>

Danny stood in the doorway, watching me. I knew he was worried, he wouldn't be by my side during this time. He was currently in the middle of a big case, so he wasn't able to get any time off. "I'll come see you, whenever I can get away," he said, crossing his arms across his chest. It was moments like this that I was happy he was in my life. Someone to worry about me, someone who would coming looking for me if anything every happened. I walked over to him, dropping my bag on the floor, wrapping my arms around him.

"Don't worry too much. I spoke to the transplant coordinator, apparently they do this all the time. It's a normal procedure," I whispered, hugging him tight. Danny wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to him. "You'll have to stop drinking," he whispered back. I nodded, sighing and pulling away from him. "I know, but maybe that's a good thing," I replied. "The car is ready. Snacks are packed. Andy has showered and is in his pajamas."

God this man was perfect. I never had to worry about anything with him. I nodded, picking my bag off of the floor. "I'm going to drop him off at Chibs' tonight. Then I'm going to head over to Wendy's and have some quality girl time," I said as we walked to the living room. "You need to be at the hospital by 9am tomorrow, for prep," he said. I nodded, as he picked Andy up off of the couch and walked with him to the car.

I watched as he strapped him into his car seat, giving him a quick kiss on the top of his forehead. I opened the door and threw my purse onto the seat, turning to face him. Danny walked around the car, grabbing my face with his hands and pulling me towards him. "You're going to do great tomorrow, Jessie Mae. I love you," he whispered. I smiled, as he kissed me, not returning the term of endearment. "I'll miss you, and I'll call you," I replied, before climbing into my car. I pulled out of the driveway, watching him in the rearview mirror. He stood watching me, as I had watched all of the men in my life leave. I sighed softly, turning down the street and heading towards Charming.

* * *

><p>I used my foot to kick the car door shut, a sleeping Andy in one arm, and two duffle bags on the other, not including his backpack full of toys on my back. I parked in front of my truck, which had taken permanent residence at Chibs' house. I huffed and puffed all the way to Chibs' front door, kicking lightly on the bottom of it. A few moments later, I heard footsteps approaching the door. The door opened and he stood before me, clad in only jeans and a tank top. He smiled at me, before reaching out and taking Andy from me.<p>

I stepped inside his apartment, warm and comfy, closing the door behind me. It smelled like he had recently made himself a home cooked meal. I followed him through the apartment and down the hallway, entering Chibs' bedroom. I looked around, I had never been inside his bedroom. My eyes drew over every inch, as I dropped the bags heavily on the floor. There was no trace of Jarry here. I felt slightly relieved, thinking about all of the times I worried about her being another mother figure in Andy's life. I knew I didn't have a right to complain, Danny spent so much time in my house, but I couldn't help but be jealous.

Chibs placed Andy in the bed, pulling the covers up around him. He took a step back, looking down at him, a smile on his face. I stepped towards Andy, placing a kiss on his cheek. I knew I had nothing to worry about with the surgery, but I couldn't help but panic a little on the inside. "We've never had that conversation around the topic of death," I whispered, running a hand through his hair. I heard him sigh behind me, a hand finding it's way to my shoulder. "I mean, in general, what if one day you never come home, what if this surgery goes wrong," I said. He squeezed my shoulder.

"You will be fine," he said. I turned to face him, a sad smile on my face. "If anything happens…" I began to say. Chibs shook his head, interrupting me. "Nothing is going to happen to you, or to me," he said. I laughed sadly, running a hand on my face. "You forget who you're talking to," I replied. Chibs took a step back, nodding. I was already a widow, barely had any family left. I knew what this life entailed. "I know I can't ask you to leave the club, if anything happened to me, but I don't want him getting involved in the family business. He should get an education, live his life without having to look over his shoulder," I said. "If I wasn't around, I would want the same. I would expect you to take him far away from here, give him a good life. I have a safety deposit box, key is in the top drawer. You're an authorized access person on it. Cash, life insurance paperwork, deeds to the motorcycles. Everything you'll need to start over," he said.

I nodded, hooking my fingers in my jean pockets. "Nothing is going to happen to you. You will come home, and Andy will be waiting for you," he whispered. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, nodding again. I exited the bedroom, him trailing behind me. I stood in front of his front door, shivering. "Do you have a sweater I can borrow?" I asked, motioning to my t-shirt and jeans. It was a tad chillier outside than I had expected. Chibs nodded, before walking back to his room. "Do you need any help switching vehicles?" He shouted back.

"No, it should be easy enough," I said, reaching into my pocket for the car's keys. When he approached me, I held them out to him as he handed me the hoodie. I took the hoodie from him, running my fingers across the soft and worn fabric. I held it up to my nose, inhaling it's scent- cigarettes and the faint aroma of his cologne. "Does it stink?" He asked, handing me the truck's keys. I snapped out of my daze and shook my head. "No, it smells just fine," I stammered, sliding into it. I zipped it up, SOA stamped across the front and took the keys from his hand, my hands disappearing inside the pockets.

"Thanks," I said, as we stood awkwardly facing each other. "I'll see you tomorrow, I'll bring Andy by the hospital when you wake up," he said, breaking the silence between us. I nodded, before turning and reaching for the door handle. When I went to open it, he reached out and placed his palm on the door, standing behind me. He was taller than me, his body arching over mine. "I broke up with Jarry," he whispered. I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck.

It felt like the entire world had paused around me, as he spoke. "I'm not telling you because I expect anything, or because I want anything. I am telling you because you deserve to know. I know you're with Danny now, and that you have a lot of things going on with your new life now." I turned around to face him, a sarcastic smile on my face. "So then why are you telling me? Why bring it up to make things more complicated between the two of us? Because we all know that things can never be good between the two of us. We are barely getting by as it is." Chibs watched me, my eyes avoiding his, falling to his chest as it rose and fell slowly.

"I know things are complicated between the two of us, and that's putting it nicely. I treated you like dirt when you came back to Charming. I used you, just because I wanted to make you hurt as bad as I did," he said, quietly. I listened to him, my eyes watering as I thought back to it all. "I didn't care if you loved me, I didn't care if you ever wanted to be with me. All I wanted was to hurt you, but when I found out about Andy it all changed. I started seeing you differently, but by then Jarry was in the picture." I scoffed, wiping a rouge tear from the corner of my eye. "You can't do this," I pleaded, my voice breaking. Things were just starting to feel normal again. I was starting to feel normal again.

I drew in a deep breath to calm myself down. Chibs leaned in closer to me, my eyes never leaving his chest. "I fell in and out of love with you, over and over again, this entire time. I couldn't breathe anymore. Trying to balance it all out. You, Jarry, Andy, the club. I ran you out of Charming, again. I couldn't forgive myself for that. I would stay up every night hoping you were okay." I shook my head and flicked my eyes up to his. "I just want you to know, that I love you, Jessie Mae. Nothing is going to change that, not you cheating on me, not me with another woman, not you with Danny."

These were the words I always wanted to hear from him. This is what I came back to Charming for. Forgiveness, love, the longing, the pleading- but it was the wrong time. I cleared my throat, stepping out from underneath him. I turned to face him, my head held high. "I am a mess, Chibs. I am with Danny. I love Happy. You? I don't know anymore. You have built me up and broken me down in so many different ways. I can't do this right now. I am about to go into surgery tomorrow, to spend the next 2 months recovering. I can't be laying in a bed thinking about you, laying on a hospital bed worrying about you!" I drew a hand to my forehead, gripping it and inhaling hard. He leaned against the door, watching me as I paced in front of him.

"I know. I am not asking you to leave him. I am not asking you to love me. I just wanted you to know how I felt. That I still think about you. That I am right here, waiting for you," he said. I took a few quick steps and slapped him, hard. The sound echoed off of the walls around us, his face fierce and staring at me. He didn't move, he just stared at me, taking whatever I was willing to dish out. "You treated me like I was your little whore!" I yelled in his face. "I let you come in and out of me whenever you wanted, Chibs. But I've changed. I'm stronger now! I don't take shit from anyone, anymore!"

He brought a hand to his face, rubbing the red spot on his cheek softly. I am not going to cry, I kept repeating over and over in my head. I was not going to break. He would break first. "I don't need you, Filip. Your son needs you. Your club needs you, I don't. To be honest, if it went any further between me and you, it would only be to hurt you. But I've already hurt you in so many ways. We've done so much damage to ourselves, that I don't think we know how to be close with each other. We barely just learned how to co-parent, I think we should focus on furthering that relationship."

He nodded, stepping aside and away from the door. I walked towards it, stopping in front of him. I turned slightly towards him, throwing him a soft smile. "I love you, Chibs, but I am not in love with you. Maybe it's my lack of maturity, or my indecisiveness, but right now I can't see myself with you," I said, before heading out of the door. I walked to the car, grabbing my bags and throwing them in the truck. I could see him watching me from the doorway, his arms still crossed over his chest. I waved before driving off, proud of myself for staying strong.


	37. Beginning Again

**Title**: Half Empty, Half Full

**Rating**: MA

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

**Summary**: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: **Beginning Again

I laid out on the sofa bed, my feet crossed at my ankles as I stared up at the ceiling. "You okay?" Wendy asked, walking into the living room. She sat down on the edge of my makeshift bed, frowning at the lumpy mattress. "Yeah, just reflecting," I said. She patted the mattress and nodded towards me. "You know it's not too late to go back over there and take him back. I'm sure his bed is way more comfier than this one," she said.

I scoffed, glancing towards her. "How did you do it? Jax was the love of your life once. How did you move on and let him go?" Wendy shrugged and looked off into the distance in front of her. "Girl, I never did. I still love him to this day. Even after everything we did to each other, everything I did, I love him. That's the father of my child. I'm just doing my time. I deserve what I got, so I'm just going to go with the flow until my luck changes." She spoke sadly, almost as if she was just handed a life sentence. I knew what she was going through, seeing him every day and not being able to be with him. Be a part of him.

I heard footsteps walking toward us, Gemma appearing in the living room entrance. She smiled at me, a hand on her hip. "There's someone here to see you, he's in the backyard," she said, pointing at me, her glasses hanging on the bridge of her nose. I raised an eyebrow at her, pursing my lips. "A certain bald and tattooed biker outlaw," she said, before turning on her heel and disappearing. Happy. Wendy turned to me, a slick smile on her face. "Don't stay up too late. We got an early morning," she whispered, before standing up. I climbed out of the bed, both of us walking through the house. She giggled as she walked towards the boys' room, where she was currently sleeping.

I walked out onto the back porch, closing the kitchen door softly behind me. There he was, sitting on the porch steps, his back facing me. I sat down next to him, pulling Chibs' hoodie tighter around me, the wind cool and starting to pick up. "Hey," I said, quietly, as he passed me his lit cigarette. Happy nodded at me, then returned his stare back to in front of him. "I just wanted to check in on you, make sure you didn't need anything. Tomorrow's the big day," he said, quietly. I'm sure he just wanted to see me. We hadn't spoken since Thanksgiving, which was almost a month ago.

"Are you happy? Like right now, in this very moment, are you happy?" I asked. It was ironic, to think that a man named Happy, wasn't happy. That was a very complicated question. Things could change around here any second. We were pretty much living on whims. Happy looked like he was thinking about the question, trying to formulate an answer. "To be honest, yes. Things with the club are going good. Vicky and me, we're good. So I guess yes, I am happy," he said. I nodded, leaning my shoulder against him. That was all that I ever wanted to for him. For everyone around me.

"Are you?" I drew in a deep breath, thinking about his question. Was I, honestly? Could things be better, different? Yes, they could, but in this very moment I was happy. "I think so. Yeah. It's not like I have much experience with being happy, but I think I am," I replied. He reached over and held his hand out, in which I placed mine. He squeezed it softly, patting it gently with his other hand. "I'm proud of you, for choosing to help Delia. I know it took a lot for you to do that."

I sighed, squeezing his hand back. "Thanks for checking in on me, Hap. It means a lot to me," I said, pulling away from him. I didn't want to sit there, so close to him, him touching me. I wanted distance between the two of us. I didn't want to chance me falling off of the wagon. He needed a fair chance at his relationship with Vicky. I stood up from the porch, placing a kiss on the top of his head.

Happy nodded, inhaling slowly, as I walked away from him. It felt kind of final, the sound of the kitchen door closing behind me as I leaned against it. I drew in a deep breath and pushed away from the door, heading back into the living room and my bed. That night, I went to bed feeling somewhat satisfied. Everything was good right now, with everybody. Tomorrow would be my final act in Charming. I just needed to keep the peace for a little while longer.

* * *

><p>I won't say I was freaking out, but technically I was. I began to pace the small hospital room, feeling all sorts of weird. Maybe it was the fact that I was on an empty stomach, or that I hadn't smoked a cigarette in God's knows how long, or maybe it was the lack of caffeine or liquor in my body. I couldn't sit still, my mind running a mile of minute. Up until I slipped into that hospital gown, I was calm, cool, and collected. Wendy had kissed me on the cheek and hugged me tightly, before walking away towards the waiting room. Did everyone know something I didn't know?<p>

The hospital room door opened, and Vicky stepped inside the room. She gave me a small smile, closing the door behind her. "Good morning, Jessie Mae. I'll be the nurse on call today. If this is awkward for you, please feel free to tell me," she said, as she walked over to the dry erase board in the room and began to write on it. What the hell did that mean? I shrugged, not understanding that she would be the nurse taking care of me.

I made my way towards the bed, sitting on the edge of it. I watched her silence, her cursive handwriting filling the board. Vicky stood before dressed me, this time looking like a damn Christmas tree. Her red hair bright against her green scrubs. She turned towards me, a smile on her face. She pulled her stethoscope off of her neck, motioning to my chest. I sat up tall, letting her place the cold metal underneath my gown and listen to my chest.

"Me and Happy, we talk a lot. He told me everything about you two. I can tell he loves you a lot," she said, quietly, pulling the stethoscope out from under the gown. I watched her take a few steps back, her hands disappearing inside her scrub pockets. I waited, trying to see where this was going. "I just wanted to tell you, that I have really strong feelings for him. I won't hurt him, I'll look after him," she said. I crossed my arms over my chest, cocking my head at her. "Why are you telling me this?"

She sighed softly, shrugging. "I don't know. When he told me your story, I could tell he was still in love with you. I could tell her was trying to move on. I guess I'm kind of scared you'll try to come back into his life, that I won't be able to replace you. I wanted you to know that I'm willing to fight for him." Vicky stood tall, her head lifted high as she looked me in the eyes. I couldn't help but smile at her. She was willing to fight for him, how he was always willing to fight for me. I nodded at her, I guess I was somehow giving her my approval.

Vicky turned a light shade of red, releasing a deep breath. "Some nurses will be in shortly to prep you for surgery. Let me know if you need something," she said. I watched her leave the room, the door closing behind her. I laid out on the bed, waiting in silence. My mind was blank at the moment, I knew I should be thinking about something or someone, not used to actually just being at peace.

At some point, the door open and nurses walked in. They begin to prep me for surgery, my hair disappearing under a hospital cap, new IVs finding their way into my arms. I sat back and let it all happen, somewhat in a daze. I drew in deep breaths, trying to keep the panic at bay. I kept telling myself, everything would be okay. Everything would be okay.

* * *

><p>Except it wasn't. I could tell something was wrong. I kept opening my eyes, my vision blurred, my body numb. I could hear the beeping going on around me, the hushed, worried voices. I tried to move, but nothing happened. I felt pressure on my body, as people moved around me. What was going on? My mind began to think about them all- Andy, Happy, Chibs, Wendy. These were the only people who would save me right now. I could feel the panic rising, as I tried to open my mouth to yell for help. I didn't hear no sound, I didn't even feel my mouth moving. It didn't matter, I fell back under the anesthesia, my panic disappearing completely.<p>

* * *

><p>I struggled to open my eyes, the hospital lights above me momentarily blinding me. When I tried to move, pain ripped through me. I guess the surgery did happen. I blinked until my vision came back to me, my body still groggy and slow to respond to the commands I was giving it. I couldn't focus, my head falling back onto the pillow as I went weak.<p>

* * *

><p><em>There was a time when I didn't know how long I would live. Would I die young? Would I just not wake up one morning? I figured I would give Chibs a good 10 years, get married, have some kids, become the new Gemma. I was hoping eventually she would die and the throne would be mine. I figured dad would watch his grandkids grow up in Charming, just how we did. They would break into the quarry late at night and have crazy parties, until the sheriff came and arrested them all. Then just how daddy picked Johnny and me up from the police station, Chibs and I would be doing the same.<em>

_I would get a "mother" hair cut. Start bleaching my hair and go to bed at a decent time. Invest in a good pair of sweatpants, the ones with the solid waistband. Chibs would grow more handsome with time, his hair become completely white. Eventually I would put him on a diet, that beer gut creeping me out. I had all these ideas of what my life would be like, but I never thought about Happy. How did he fit into all of this? What would happen when I married, when the kids came? What would happen if anyone ever found out about us?_

_All of these things were flashing before my eyes, as my dad grabbed the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply. I came home that night, ran directly to his house, tears barreling down my face. My body shook as I told him everything. Every lie, every touch, every time. I stood in silence before him, as if awaiting my sentence. He sat at the kitchen table, silent, pouring himself a glass of scotch. He poured one for me, pushing it my way._

_I nervously took it, downing it hard and fast. This was his good whiskey. The bottle he had been saving for his first grandkid. The bottle I had gifted him over 5 years ago. He stood up, his face worn and sad, making his way towards me. I already knew what was coming, I wasn't even going to try to avoid it. He lifted his rough and scarred hand, slapping me across the face. I stood still, taking it because I deserved it. I didn't run away, I stood tall in front of him, just how he had taught me._

_Emerson turned quietly, and resumed his position at the table. "Do you know what's going to happen now? If anyone finds out about this?" He said, quietly. I nodded because I knew. The club would be up in shambles at this. Everything would change amongst them. "Who knows about you two?" He asked. I drew in a deep breath, my chin quivering. "Jax," I said, that word making everything final. _

_He stared at me, his eyes glassy with unspoken thoughts. I waited a few moments before speaking. "He wants me to leave town. Never tell anyone about this." Daddy nodded, running a a hand over his face. "This right now with the club are a bit unsettled," he said, pausing and staring off into the distance. "He's doing this because you have given him no choice. He can't sacrifice his men for a piece of pussy." I knew the reasoning behind it, I wasn't really sure why I was here. I knew if Jax said anything, if the truth got out, the trust that Happy and Chibs had built all of these would be gone. If Jax or the club did anything to me, my father would suffer also._

"_How could you? I raised you right, I think. I gave you everything you needed, everything and anything so that you didn't turn out like her. And here you are…" More tears began to fall as I realized he was right. I ruined a good thing. "I have a friend in Nevada, he can help you relocate. Get started over again," he said. And with that, I knew my fate was sealed. I knew what I had to do. "Pack a bag, get in your car and drive, baby girl. There's nothing left in Charming for you."_

* * *

><p>From the corner of my eye, I spotted Andy and Chibs in a hospital chair, Andy asleep in Chibs' lap as he too slept. I was losing the fight, as my eyes fell shut and I began to doze off. I was hazy, my body felt like a ton of bricks as I tried to lift my hand up but failed. All I could do was lay there and fall in and out of whatever dreams came my way.<p>

* * *

><p><em>I gasped, a wave of nausea hitting me as I sat down on the edge of the tub. There I was, in some rundown apartment, the paper thin walls doing nothing to hide the loud yelling from next door. The bathroom was yellowed with age, the water stain on the ceiling mocking me. This was where I had ended up, after my exile from Charming.<em>

_I had no connection to my past life, I was basically starting over from scratch. Gone were the nice cars and clothes, heavy makeup and some what happy personality. In it's wake, was the minimum wage job Emerson's friend had managed to get me down at the station house, a ratty car, and discount clothing. I had hit the big time._

_I ran my thumb across the pregnancy test in my hand, sighing, a hand on my forehead. It was true, what I had been suspecting for weeks now, I was pregnant. I stood up, walking out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, placing my hand on the phone in the wall. I slowly picked it up, dialing those unforgettable numbers. _

_When the ringing on the other end stopped, I almost lost my nerve and hung up. "Yeah?" The voice on the other end said. Chibs, the accent making my heart skip a beat. "Hello?" I opened my mouth to speak but let it hang open, my body leaning against the wall. I heard him take a deep breath and let it out slowly, the noise behind him quieting down. I slid down the wall, cradling the phone in my hands, my skin cold. _

"_Jessie Mae, love," he whispered. I shook my head, clasping a hand over my mouth, as I stifled a cry. I wanted to speak, I wanted to yell, but I couldn't muster the energy. "Come home, I beg ya," he said. I wasn't sure how he knew it was me, and it didn't matter. The noise in the background came back, laughter filling the silence and the miles between us. "Come on, Chibby baby," I heard a woman say in the background. I could only imagine what was happening, what was being said, but it didn't matter. I stood up slowly, putting the phone back on the hook. I rushed to the bathroom, throwing up._


End file.
